Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

@NonPlayerCharacter I agree with them! My comment was a response to the OP…

Why? If he wasn’t up to it why should he be forced to do it?

He sounds a bit wet.

The problem comes (and where 'effort' comes into the situation) if these dry spells are repeatedly occurring, back to back, for long periods of time. There comes a point when both people should sit down together and acknowledge it isn't good for their relationship and something active has to be done about it. If both people are always tired and generally off sex but want it to get better, then that's where the effort happens. I think it's unrealistic to expect a spark of strong enough libido to suddenly arise in both of them at the opportune time. If that were happening then they wouldn't have the issue in the first place.

The above is not the OP's situation, but this is really just a response to the notion that 'sex being an effort' is somehow bad and horrifying.

Though reading all of OP's replies here, I think it's making the fuller picture that it's not really about this one instance of the 'birthday shag'. It's that he generally prefers sex at one time of day (though it sounds like that's a time of day that can't be accommodated by their working schedules) and that OP prefers it (or can only be there) for sex at another time of day. She also says she has the higher sex drive so it can be 'a problem'. So sounds like the sex issue in general is beginning to weigh on her and the birthday may be a significant incident where the bad feeling has really bubbled up.

LadyGabriella · Today 13:42

He sounds a bit wet

Oh for Christ’s sake. So if a woman doesn’t want sex at a prescribed time, she must be frigid, yes?

Can't believe I'm reading this to be honest. You should leave him, so he can find someone who won't try to coerce him into having sex. I also can't believe you would have sex with someone who was only doing it because they felt obliged to. Where are your morals?

Why?

Because he was tired and didn't want sex? OK.

YABU, obviously.

Also it’s easy to think it’s a priority always to “make the effort”, as you put it, one year into a relationship.

Please report back after 10+ years and 2+ kids.

It's not his job to make you feel desirable.

If you are ruminating over things like this (harking back to him declining sex two months ago!) maybe you aren't in the right frame of mind to have a healthy relationship.

@BettyBardMacDonald I'm a bit surprised by this.

Surely we all want to feel desired by our partners?

@Kendra43 being desired by your partner doesn’t mean he will want sex with you whenever you decide though?

My husband is hot, great in bed & I’m very attracted to him. But I don’t always want to have sex with him…

Wanting to feel desired by your partner does not entitle you to sex when they don’t want it. It doesn’t matter if it’s your birthday/anniversary/Armageddon. You are not entitled to sex with him.

He gets to not fancy it and he’s done nothing wrong.

It is bizarre that this is so hard for you to understand. As is the fact that you are bringing up him not fancying it TWO MONTHS AGO. This would indicate both that it’s not something that happens often and that your feelings of entitlement are such that being turned down once every two months is unacceptable to you.

I can’t work out if this is a joke? If sex is like going to the dentist, you’re doing it wrong.

Well either way you're getting your cavity filled.

OP, give this some honest thought.
Are you really aligned?
It sounds not.
You are a year in, no point in wasting time if you're not.
It will definitely not get better after marriage and children.

These aren’t typical examples of ‘effort’ in most relationships where both partners put attention into a suffering sex life. I’ve got a full time job, a 3hr round commute and small twins. I’m probably enthusiastic for sex once a month when things are very busy and stressful, but it’s important to our relationship so I make the mental effort to prioritise it in all kinds of small ways so it doesn’t fall by the wayside. My husband feels the same and does the same for me.

I think there's a big difference between putting in a general effort to keep your sex life good if you drift into a dry spell, and expecting your partner to put in the specific effort to have sex at 11pm after a big meal.

OP and her partner are going to have to actually talk about it and find times when they're both likely to be up for it. As unromantic as it sounds, an element of scheduling, or at least expectation that sex is likely to best happen at certain times of day/week, is really important. Or an idea of timing. DP and I have never actually had a specific conversation but if we go longer than a week without sex due to general life stress, we know we're both actively looking to make time for it.

Thank you, the voice of reason!

After a romantic meal on someone's birthday is about as scheduley as you can get! It's an obvious one!

no-one is ever unreasonable for saying no to sex.

If a woman posted here that her DP complained that she hadn’t put out on his birthday after implying that sex was on the cards, and that he’d then gone online to complain about it people would be advising her to LTB.

there’s no bigger turn-off than being expected to “make an effort.” Stuff that. If there’s a general lack of sex then it might be a consideration to sit down and talk things through. But saying no once and once a few months ago hardly constitutes an issue does it.

Um it kind of is! If you don't make your partner feel desirable then don't complain if someone else does...

I'm 49 and if I knew sex was possibly on the cards later with DH I'd not eat too much so I felt too full and tired.

Men's testosterone levels peak at about 18 and are in decline after that. So many have a low sex drive or are not bothered at all by their late 20s or 30s. This is fine - but it is a problem in a relationship if expectations and sex drive are mismatched.

Before! Always before!

Bloated and tired after a three-course meal might be the least sexy I ever feel, and that includes covid.