Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

I think it's a bit much to assume some massive mismatch in the bedroom based on the poor bloke not wanting sex every couple of months.

Have to say, I'd far rather someone was honest than have an obligation shag.

You're a shitty person to expect him to have sex when he's not in the mood. If this was a man posting about his wife there would be hell on.

I would make sure I wasn't tired if it was DH's birthday!

How does that work, given that tiredness is a natural thing and not something that can/cannot be planned?

Or do you mean you'd have sex when you really didn't want to, just because it's is birthday?

’Birthday shags’ aren’t a thing in my house, but that’s probably due to the fact that DH and I have sex pretty much daily, so making a fuss over special occasion sex is something I can’t relate to.

How frequently do you and your partner have sex usually? If it’s multiple times per week, I see no issue with him not being in the mood/feeling tired and declining on two occasions in the last few months, just a shame one of those coincided with your birthday celebration. It would be a possible indication of a deeper issue and sexual incompatibility if you only have sex infrequently and he’s seemingly not too keen.

All that said, he’s entitled to not be up for it for whatever reason without getting guilted/shamed for it. I agree with PPs that the moment to have sex was when you mentioned the new underwear - far more spontaneous and sexy rather than waiting until the end of the night.

@Feelinadequate23 I agree.

Would never expect it from him or myself while unwell but on a birthday? I think a bit of an effort should be made.

Seems a minority opinion though.

Perfunctory sex on demand is not appealing.

@gillefc82 when I appeared with the underwear on, I was taking a quick coffee break during a busy work from home day.

So I was working. I suppose we could've tried at lunch! It was just a crazy day up until the point I could actually relax that evening.

I don’t think it’s a reflection on you, and I don’t think it’s a major issue unless it’s constantly happening but twice in a year seems normal? My DP and I never expect it from each other if it happens it happens. Some of the best ones are the unexpected unplanned ones

Part of the issue is he'll say things like 'i prefer morning or afternoon sex' when rejecting but how often does he initiate this?

Not much. The onus is on him just as much to initiate earlier in the day, than not at all. He has initiated morning and an afternoon on a recent holiday but saying no sex after X time when we are busy people doing 9-5ish work jobs is not realistic.

I find this a bit unfair! I mean if you’re not up for it, it’s hard to make yourself!! Sometimes I’m at work and game for it, then get home have dinner and the mood has gone! Sometimes I do it anyway or other times I just say sorry I’m not in the mood! Or I’ll satisfy him and then go to sleep.
I think you’re being unfair to him. You say he rejected you once two months ago!! Hardly every day is it!

your post has given me the Ick.
you can't forse someone to have sex with you because it's your birthday.

Birthday shags are not a thing, birthday presents are. And shags when you are both in the mood is a thing. But birthday shags??

I just find that attitude a bit grim, really.

Yeah, I couldn’t get past that either. It would feel depressingly as if sex was some kind of annual treat, or like those grim cave-mannish memes about the male equivalent of Valentine’s Day being Steak and Blowjob Day.

Love this response. Same here! 🤣

I find this a bit depressing.

We're early 30s, not dead! I'm not ready for the pipe and slippers just yet.

See I love a good, unplanned quickie so I’d have forgone the coffee and got my rush from another source 😂

Try not to overthink it. A full stomach after a few drinks and a busy day can get the better of us all. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to jump your bones, he just wasn’t game that time. And maybe he was worried that he wouldn’t have the energy in him to give you the fun time you normally get and didn’t want to short change you, so better to wait for the next day and knock your socks off!!

It doesn't bode well for the future I'm afraid. You need to find someone more sexually compatible. You're far too young to not have sex after 11pm!

I think as we get older, we need pre-dinner shagging rather than post-dinner.

I admit that it lacks the ceremony of the dinner and sex thing, but it's also better not to be bloated and farting and half-asleep, which sadly is a function of our ageing bodies, even in your tender years.

So next time, whip out the undies revelation as an amuse bouche.

Think you've replied to wrong person. I agree that he shouldn't have to be forced or up for it on predetermined special occasions!

It's not pipe and slippers, it's just sex before you eat a big meal and go out and get tired!

Is this a serious relationship? Kids?

if not, bin him. He’s not the one for you

Who goes out gets full eating food and then comes back after 11 and whats to shag? sounds miserable. Even if you did surely it would be uncomfortable (bloated, full, tired) and lackluster.

People don't go out for a celebratory dinner BEFORE running a triathlon etc...

You sound so creepy. If a man was speaking like this I would find him repulsive so I apply the same standards to you. The pressure and tone of coercion and "it's not faaair" are so grim.

If a man complained that he didnt get a birthday shag, and she had the audacity to turn down sex 2 months prior on top of that, he'd be told to sod off and leave her alone!