Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

You imagine 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I thought birthday shags were a thing. Seems obvious to me. People make an extra effort for their OH on their birthday, so why wouldn't they make an effort for sex too, if the birthday girl/boy was interested.

Obviously no-one is ever obligated to have sex, but people do lots of things they aren't in the mood for that they're not obligated to do, and if someone doesn't do things for you, doesn't make an effort out of choice, then it does send a signal that they aren't particularly motivated by your happiness.

For me, the action would definitely have to be before we went out. After a couple of drinks, I'm just not bothered (totally different from most people!) so after drinks AND food, it's game over in this house!

I think if your sex drives aren't aligned this early on and at your young ages, there will be more significant problems later on as you age & life gets more demanding.

Not suggesting that OP has done anything wrong, she was disappointed and concerned about the way her birthday ended and wants to discuss it. But on a related theme is this wonderful video about the meaning of consent:

Someone can desire you without wanting to have sex with you all the time.

Exactly this.

Time to move on. What's he going to be like in his 50s when his testosterone is dropping.
Find someone more aligned to you.

Just wait for if you have kids, after 11pm tends to be the only time me and DH can schedule in these days, by the time kids bathed/in bed and teenager has gone to sleep it’s at least 10.30. We would never have sex otherwise.

Maybe you need to find someone who is more matched in drive to yourself 😅

Sorry I think if you want a night of passion then the aim should be champagne and canapes/tapas relatively swiftly and home by 9pm. A full meal and getting home at 11pm means too knackered for passion.

Yes it's about compromise. What if you hate it in the mornings and he doesn't want to after 11pm then it's not going to work long term.
Sometimes it can take a few minutes to get in the mood.
If you read 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski , she talks about people having brakes/ accelerators regarding sex. More women have stronger brake tendencies and men more often have higher accelerators. Reading it can help couples understand each other better and hopefully improve compatibility and reduce dissatisfaction between them. I wish I had been able to read it when I was younger.

No big deal. I couldn't be arsed after alcohol and a meal and past 11pm either

Yeah I got this impression too. In fact, I've been given this impression by an ex. Not in a pressure way but light hearted.

I thought birthdays were a time where action generally happens. This thread has been an eye opener!

If you watch the cup of tea video on u tube it will explain how people change their minds...
I don't think it's an issue for one night. It would be an issue (for me personally) if it had been a month or so with no specific reason eg health related.

What if this was a man trying to force sex onto a woman? Or to still expect it and be upset when the woman said no and the man became arsey?

on birthdays, we usually have a really nice day out, followed by a delicious meal.
usually end the day FAR too full to be up for anything vigorous.

What you really need to do is grow up

Men can't pretend to have an erection, you know. You might get a halfhearted effort or a mid-game slump. Would that satisfy you?

Would you say the same if a man took this line with woman? I think not>

If my husband demanded a birthday shag I'd get the ick and clamp shut

Doubt it’s you but like others have said not aligned.

Yeah that cup of tea video should help op

It sounds too much like Steak and Blowjob day

He seemed up for it, but then shit happened, it's life.
He explained he was too tired now it was late, why can't you take that at face value as being legitimate?

I'm 35, partner is 33, and sometimes you can be really up for having a fun night all day, then just not feel it when the time comes. I've been both sides of the coin, the one who suddenly feels a bit sick/headachey or too tired, or the one raring to go but he's achey or cold or got indigestion from dinner. We only see eachother one overnight a week so for us it means a weeks wait til next time.

perhaps you telling him you’ve had birthday shags previously with other blokes have been a turnoff for him?