Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

At least you've now realised that compromise is needed instead of him having to only do what you want.

Yeah forced fun is never fun

This in MN, where 100% sexual enthusiasm is necessary in 100% of scenarios (which yes, I take that point), so you will be told, overwhelmingly, that you are being unreasonable. Along with being told, as somewhere above, that you should examine why being turned down for sex makes you feel undesirable.

But I get your point, OP. It's a special occasion – you'd had an intimate meal out, lots of quality time and I'm sure lots of flirting and laughter. I completely understand why you would have been looking forward to some great sex when you got home to top off the great evening, and I can completely understand why having your partner turn you down because he was tired on your birthday, after a lovely date night, would be very disappointing.

If he got unwell from the food or he was having an especially rough day or night for some reason, then yes, you do have to take these things on the chin and not make your partner feel bad about it.

But the way you describe it does indeed sound as though he just didn't want to put in the effort. When you have a lot of demands on your time and energy, then sex can sometimes feel like an effort when it shouldn't, which is a shame, but putting in an active effort to keep that part of your relationship alive and thriving is important – especially on a special night where all kinds of other efforts had been made together.

He wanted a cup of tea earlier but didn't get one, later he no longer wanted a cup of tea.

Still miffed?

It's disappointing. Most blokes would try and perk up a bit if you stripped down to sexy undies. Especially on your birthday.
But you can't force someone to be in the mood. Does your sex drive and his usually seem to match up? I hope he would want to shag you the next day or something? Unless he really does just have a lower sex drive. Which might prove to mean you're not that suited.

@Didimum thank you, yes, this is how I felt. And this is what I do for him at other times when I am tired and secretly can't be bothered. I feel it's important to put effort into this side of things.

We don't have kids yet and I imagine the demands will be more then.

How often do you feel like going to the gym at midnight, after a long day, after a big rich meal and too many beers?

Men are often (not always) the more energetic partners during sex, and if your stomachs a bit too full or the rooms spinning a bit or your just plain knackered, it's not the most enjoyable thing in the world.

I find that big nights out are actually when me and DP are least likely to have sex, and that when we do it's generally not as good as the rest of the time.

BobbyBiscuits · Today 12:44
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It's disappointing. Most blokes would try and perk up a bit if you stripped down to sexy undies. Especially on your birthday.”

What a load of sexist, stereotypical nonsense. If someone is tired and not in the mood, respect that. Full stop. Again, he’s a human being with feelings, not a sex toy for use on demand.

If a partner had said to me but it’s my birthday and so I want sex after I had made it clear that I didn’t, that would seriously compromise my feelings for them.

Me and DP rarely have sex at bedtime. Both tired and want to sleep. But we do have sex in the mornings or an afternoon delight!

birthday shag not a thing here. Normally my period arrives so kind of blocked

@Kendra43 this happened with me, was thinking we'd have a long romantic night (after a big dinner/back late) but partner was more up for a quick one or bed (had to be up 5 hours later) so we ended up sleeping. I think the best approach is try this earlier which may suit you both. People get tired. I was a bit miffed but I don't think I read the room well at the time.

There are very few men who find women attractive who want sex on demand.

It's totally okay to be up for sex now, and then actually not be later. Even if you say now 'I want to have sex later' you can change your mind. As can a man.

Were you even actually horny? It sounds like you just wanted to have sex because it was your birthday and you for some reason think that a 'birthday shag' is a thing you should get by default, like a card or a cake.

You can't demand he be in the mood just because your wearing new knickers!!

@Loopylooni thanks! Glad it's not just me.

I mean unless your sex life is regularly an issue I don’t see any reason to worry over this one time. My husband & I are in our 20’s and are both guilty of this sometimes😂 My 5pm desire for sex really doesn’t match my 11pm after drinking and a big meal desire for sex. 5pm me is all fancy undies and “lets have crazy sex later”, 11pm me after food and drinking is more like “where are my stretchy pj’s and is it bed time yet”. We have a good and healthy sex life, but later after a night of food and alcohol is never my sexiest time!

I know after I’ve eaten, especially a restaurant type meal, I have a massive energy slump. Couple that with champagne and I’d have been snoring before I even got home.

Well, he could say the same, couldn't he? "No sex before 11pm for the rest of my life?" No sex on Sunday morning? No lunchtime quicky? No to spending a whole Saturday in bed? No grabbing someone by the towel the minute they stepped out of post-workout shower?
No, it's after 11pm or nothing + compulsory birthday sex. Hmm, I know what kind of life I'd rather have.

This talk of “making an effort” is freaking me out. Do you really want to have sex if it’s an effort for one of you? Literally the only time we’ve ever talked like that is when we were TTC and to be honest it was a total mood killer.

Honestly yes.

Both of our jobs have been so intense and tiring lately. If we never made this effort regardless we would almost never have sex. So yes I think it's important - sounds like others disagree and that's fine.

I can’t think of anything less I’d rather do on a full stomach at 11pm than have sex - it’s as much as I can do to waddle into bed and fall asleep.

Maybe the sex should have before the night out not after. And him not fancying it twice on a few months isn’t rejecting b you - it’s just not being in mood that particular day

If you plan to have kids, get ready for snatching the time when you can...just saying!

Totally disagree; I may not be able to oblige, but I'm not insecure enough to be offended by the request. I'd take it as a compliment.

I don't think it's unusual that you will go through periods of time in your relationship where something that is beneficial to it sometimes seems like an effort to do.

Exercising, eating well, going to the dentist and performing thoughtful gestures for your partner can all feel like effort sometimes, but they are ultimately beneficial and worth putting effort into.

Gotta laugh at some of you telling OP you understand why she would be upset and he could have 'put some effort in'. Not one of you would be saying that to a man complaining his girlfriend didn't shag him on his birthday.

You're all gross.

Also, what even is this 'making an effort' shit? Nobody should feel like they have to have sex when they don't want to or feel like it FFS. If you think that makes for a happy or normal relationship then you have bigger issues than being told no twice in the last few months.