Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

Totally agree. Can you imagine people berating a woman for not making the effort.

TriesNotToBeCynical · Today 13:02

Fingeronthebutton · Today 12:51
There are very few men who find women attractive who want sex on demand.

Totally disagree; I may not be able to oblige, but I'm not insecure enough to be offended by the request. I'd take it as a compliment.

Would you still be happy about it if your no resulted in him sulking and posting about you?

Anyone can not be in the mood anytime. Totally unfair to pressure your boyfriend.

you also reach a certain age and realize that if you want to have sex, you should do it before you go out. It massively increases the odds of both people feeling in the mood and the sex is generally much better.

I’d have shagged him before we went out! I can see why he wasn’t up for it after a full meal and some alcohol. Lesson learned, op.

If you're one year in and sex is already something you're having to make an effort for...that's not a great sign

Who wants to have sex when you know it’s an effort, just to please you. I’d be cringing at that knowing they just want it over and done with so they can go to sleep.

I often hear people saying they hate scheduled sex, but in my experience people schedule sex all the time. Date nights, or actual dates when you're at that stage of a relationship, going out on the pull, arranging a home cooker meal at someone's house, dirty weekends, book BDSM dungeons etc. You buy lingerie, shave your legs and all that, because you know when you're going to be doing it. The anticipation is often part of the pleasure.

Obviously that doesn't oblige the other person and they've every right to refuse, no question. I just don't think the concept of working out in advance when it's going to happen is at all unusual or alien.

Yep. Imagine telling a woman ‘it’s his birthday you selfish cow just get your knickers off, lie back and think of England. Being bloated after a 3 course meal is no excuse for saying no to your man’

There would be deletions galore with the language posters would use to describe the bloke

The poster you quoted didn't mention 'offence'?

They were talking about attraction.

I'd be interested to know what all these people against 'making an effort for sex' would do in a relationship where intimate time together is falling off a cliff and not being prioritised due to life stressors. Struggling parts of relationships do not fix themselves spontaneously without attention or notice.

Or maybe in wouldn't be that interesting – as this is MN where an awful lot of posters are single, in sexless relationships or always think the very worst of men's motivations.

This has to be a wind-up

Maybe he was feeling full/bloated, what had you had for dinner? Were you drunk? Did he have work the following day?
I bet the man haters on here will be telling you to dump him over this but one night not feeling it doesn't mean it's over!

No sex after 11pm. That sounds a bit depressing, really. So it's sex only on his terms then? I don't think I could live like that, especially if only early 30's.

YABU for saying “birthday shag” and using wink emoji.

So it's sex only on his terms then?

No, it's sex on terms that suit both of them. As it should be, you know.

Making an effort in this scenario might include making time to spend together, planning an evening out to talk and engage in shared interest, going away for a weekend and make an effort to connect all with understanding that penetrative sex is not an obligation or an expectation. It can naturally follow all and any of these activities but it is not a goal. The goal is to rebuild emotional connection. Physical touch doesn't need to be sexual, sexual touch does not need to lead to penetration. And, certainly, nobody should feel entitled to sex because it's their birthday or because it's "traditional" to do it on Valentine's day.

When I initiated he mentioned he'd said before he'd rather have sex earlier in the day or evening.

Which is fine but I don't think expect us to just do it his way all the time.

What if all that is being attended to, but still sex itself (or other sexual activity) is still suffering? All you have mentioned is making an effort (especially when time and energy is lacking). What's the difference with putting an effort into one's sex life?

Generally speaking we talk about this kind of thing when we are not being intimate. We have both been very busy for 2 weeks and have barely had sex. I spoke to DP last night and said ‘let’s have a lazy weekend with lie ins to spend time together’ and he knows what this means - we have a window of time from this evening till Monday to fit some sex in we have only 1 thing to do that will take a few hours tomorrow evening before the DC are back. Both been at work all day, get home late, and if we have a big meal later, it’s most likely to be in the morning when we wake up. If I am not in the mood for sex at 11pm tonight I won’t make myself do it and he would not want me to.

Earlier in the day or evening covers most of the hours you're awake so you're not exactly being constrained to a small window of time.

Not up for sex after 11pm is pretty normal. I don't like late-night sex. Either I'm sleepy and can't get into it as much as I want, or I do get into it and it wakes me up and then I can't sleep. Luckily DP has actually respected my preferences and never sulked about "no late night sex ever again". Also I had the same preferences in my 20s so it's nothing to do with age.

Best advice I ever received was from a wise friend who said that if one or either of you wanted sex on a night you were going out to a restaurant - always, always have the sex beforehand on an empty stomach. The idea of sex after a full restaurant meal is a little nauseating.

What do you think it should look like in practice? Force-feeding your partner viagra? Manually stimulating him until he is hard whether he wants it or not? Him somehow magically willing the mechanics to work on demand? You allowing penetration when you are not ready, and therefore, not likely to enjoy it?
None of it sounds like a foundation for a great sex life or a relationship to me.

Imagine if this was reversed!!

I think it’s really common for people to prefer sex when they feel more awake I think he is just telling you his body clock preferences. Also I did ask, are you guys having a lot of energetic sex or are you talking about a sleepy kind of low effort sex experience? Does he get up early? Does he feel under pressure to have energetic sex at night? Ending a long day with more exercise isn’t really very appealing to a lot of people. I don’t mind a cuddle that gets carried away but I am usually so tired by 11pm I know I can’t give it my all for a performance

What? Almost everyone is telling her she's being unreasonable and he's allowed to say no.

@gannett but Gannett, we both work full time, so it is in fact quite constraining to say no later evening sex bar weekends.

Maybe it is normal and I need to temper my expectations a bit.