Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

[Kendra43]

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

But this is MN and that hypocritical response is only to be expected!

I knew of someone whose dh said, early on the morning of her 40th birthday, ‘Can I have a fuck, please? Because I’ve never fucked anyone as old as you!’ (She did 🤣🤣, in case anyone’s wondering.)

You are so disrespectful!! Not dead?? So just because literally everyone is telling you people need to be in the mood it means we are dead? I am 10 years older than you and shag plenty thanks, just when we are both in the mood and it works for us rather than on a schedule.

I’d find someone more aligned with you on that front, it’s only going to get worse as he gets older.

I’ve just finished with someone because he was selfish in bed. Different reason to you but still, sex is v important and I’m not prepared to have a shit sex life.

At 11pm after a good meal and quite a lot of alcohol my bed always looked very appealing, for going to sleep quickly!

😂 Nice to see that romance isn't dead!

@Godoit my point is that the birthday aside, he's said he doesn't really like shagging after 11.

No late nights shags for the rest of my life? He's 31. He's not an old man.

But then the OP will still feel 'undesirable' in her next relationship when he says he's too tired.

This is the problem imo.

It’s tricky as I imagine a year in that sex is still a big event with big expectations? So it would be more of a performance rather than one of those lazy shags where you spoon and still have your PJ bottoms round your ankles 🫣😂

This is the tricky stage I think, depends what you expect. I assume my DP would expect I wanted a lot of his attention and energy if I put on sexy underwear specifically and if it was vice versa I would have to think hmm do I have the energy to have a big session or a small one 😂 so for me, he would know I have more energy in the morning and I won’t be bloated

Have you ever ‘rejected ‘ him? And 2 months ago sounds like it doesn’t happen very often and you’re making a mental note to keep score - him being not up for it - it’s not every time you try to initiate sex is it. It sounds more like an ego thing for you.

I think pp’s have said it OP, but towards this stage of life you’re better off showing him the set BEFORE you go out, shag then, go for a nice dinner then straight to sleep!

Maybe he didnt want to do it that late that particular time, and isnt saying you will never do it late ever again. Or maybe it was an excuse because he didnt want to and knew he was letting you down as you are so highly sexed

Always before dinner. Always.

This would've been a better problem to start a thread about, rather than moaning he didn't want sex on your birthday, surely?

If you two aren't compatible in the bedroom, why not end the relationship?

Whatever you do, don't become like my ex husband who used to go into full on 'sulk mode', whenever I turned down sex.

One of the most unsexy things a person can do.

AgathaLioness
**
If a man complained that he didnt get a birthday shag, and she had the audacity to turn down sex 2 months prior on top of that, he'd be told to sod off and leave her alone!

Yes and rightly so. He’s a person with feelings, not a bloody performing monkey. I can’t believe that a couple of posters have suggested OP should leave him.

That's not what you said though, you said he was tired that night and it happened to be after 11. That's not the same as saying I don't want to shag after 11. I know you've said he prefers morning or afternoon, that doesn't mean he won't do it at night. So 2 rejections in 2 months, we are all entitled to say we are not feeling up to it here and there.

I find the idea of shagging unsexy full stop. It just conjures up a 5 minute coupling in some alley way or dark car park.🙁

Agree. I had the most amazing sex on a birthday and then he winked ‘happy birthday!’ at me and it totally ruined everything 😆

that sounds as though you think he should just put out when OP wants him to?

Reverse the sexes and see if you still think that.

(btw if you do: you need to revise "Consent 101")

He must be picking up on her 'feeling rejected/undesirable' whenever he turns down sex.

This is likely to wear him down in the end, until he forces himself to have sex when he's tired to avoid the fallout.

If this happens, I think he should be the one doing the leaving.

I think we both could improve things.

I could be more spontaneous at times of day he prefers and he could initiate at those times more often. Likewise a late night shag is what I like and I think we should compromise.

The sex itself is good!

What do you find sexy, if not sex itself?

The fact that he got excited about the birthday underwear means that he does find you desirable. And the fact that he can communicate not wanting sex and feels comfortable to do that is a good thing. The fact you expect sex regardless of how he feels, and are keeping record of him turning down sex is repulsive.

you have some stuff to learn about consent, tbh. Your libidos don't allign. That's fine but NOBODY should be forcing themselves to have sex when they don't want to.

Why are you so fixated on having so much sex?

Yes