refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

Reverse?

I was a member of a gym for a while. My personal trainer had my number and would check up on me the day after training to make sure I wasn't dying and also to re-arrange sessions if necessary.

I see this guy isn't your pt but is a gym class lead? Would you consider him a friend?

It does seem relatively normal for gym pts to go out together but I think they don't normally invite clients.

Has he added the entire class or just you?

Is it a proper gym like a council one or a Bootcamp type thing where he might ask you to coordinate or take over a segment for him?

in scenario 2 I can see why he’d have your number.
Scenario 2 seems a bit odd on his part.

Your DH is definitely being insecure - also the comment about "dressing up for the gym" is such a red flag.

Sorry, scenario 1 seems weird.

I don’t think you should ignore your husbands concerns altogether in that I feel couples should be allowed open communication when they have concerns but equally I don’t think you should let him dictate what you do/wear etc. He is being controlling and unreasonable, he doesn’t get to tell you what you can and can’t do.

I think I would feel insecure if roles were reversed. Even if you don't have any feelings for him yet... Maybe he does or maybe they could develop.

I wouldn't stop going to the gym but I think I would forego the meal for your husband. It's really no biggie and who wants to spend money just before Christmas.

Going out for a meal with 5/6 people from the gym is weird. That's more than just gym associates.

I think the meal thing is a bit weird tbh

Surely you can get friendly with the others that attend?

It's boot camp style in the sense that you get full access so it's not just the gym, but nutrition advice, personalised workouts, 1 on 1s if you want it and so on.

I stick with classes but due to the size of the gym I'd say on average there are only about 3 people in a class typically so we are all pretty friendly as we see each other regularly.

My first thought too

No I think this is the most normal part of it. Esp if it’s not a council gym. Private groups and classes do this all the time.

How does the gym make a profit with such a small client base?

It's very expensive. But I feel worth it due to the accountability/ check ins/ nutrition side etc...

And no not a reverse

I wouldn't ignore my husband's insecurities about another man. I would feel bad that I'd put him in a position where he had to communicate that he was insecure tbh (unless your DH is generally insecure and frequently has issues like this therefore it's unavoidable - it would be extremely out of character for my DH to feel this way.)

If you felt insecure about another woman, even if your husband thought you were mental, wouldn't you want him to listen to you?

It doesn't sound like he's saying he doesn't want you to go, just that he isn't comfortable with you communicating outside of the gym. Could a compromise be reached?

Ok with update, it’s normal to get friendly at those smaller classes. I don’t think this is at all strange. There are WhatsApp groups and people follow on Instagram and so on.

It’s only the same as a Pilates group meeting up for coffee or something. YANBU

I really hope this isn’t a reverse. They are utterly pointless and really bloody annoying.

Has he got form for being jealous unnecessarily? Is he controlling in any other way? Have you ever given him any reason not to trust you completely?

Have other members of classes been added onto his FB too? If not that is suspect

At least your DH have voiced concerns and isn't simmering in resentment in silence or following you like a stalker. He's asking for reassurance. You are allowed to do things and shouldn't give up things just because it worries DH but it's not unreasonable to discuss the matter and talk about acceptable bondaries on both sides.

Could your husband not come along to the meal? I think id be really upset my husband just ignored my insecurities. To me that's just shutting down his feelings. Can he not come to the gym as well? I find it weird the Facebook add. Also inviting you on a night out by message isn't about the gym.

Yeah, seems a normal thing to do when you're single but just seems a bit odd to me when married. I wouldnt do it, but I wouldnt feel like that's the type of friendship I have with people at the gym. The gym is just the gym to me.

Tell DH if he's worried then he's welcome to come along to the gym too.

This. Why can't your husband come along if it's all completely innocent?

Is he generally insecure/jealous? I think accepting him on FB & the meal is a bit odd. I would briefly reassure him but not overdo it. Nothing to hide so no need to over talk it.

if it was the other way round & you were feeling insecure about a situation he was in, how would you want him to respond?

My gym is a private group with classes, we have never done this.