refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

Hi :)

yeap, I am pretty sure I would always advise to hear out your partner. If you heard “obey blindly” then it is really on you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good evening 🌺

hmmm…

you have been in controlling relationships…Please don’t copy paste your experience onto what I say. You massively overreact because you have been hurt/ are afraid of being hurt again. That is no reason to cry Woolf because her dh has insecurities.

And yes. Not inviting your long term partner/husband at an event is rude. After work, no. After work out, no. Special event/party, yeap, it massively is. Of course I only post how I feel so it doesn’t have to be the same than you.

Good evening 🌺

After work “Drinks”. Missed a word!

Be totally honest - do you fancy him? DH will have picked up on this.

In the way that women have a gut feeling about other women around their partners/husband, men have the same. And the majority of men you meet will tell you that they know far too many untrustworthy men so he probably has a reason to be wary.
Plus im sure I read somewhere that PTs are one of the professions most likely to have an affair so 🤷‍♀️

This is all perfectly normal in a lot of gyms. My ex used to work in a gym and as it was a small one everyone knew everyone, had them on Facebook, contacted them outside of gym time and quite often had drinks, Christmas parties etc. and no everyone wasn’t at it with everyone else.
sounds very jealous to me. If he trusts you there shouldn’t be an issue. Is he maybe seeing you looking better and is worried someone is going to hit on you?

Has he been cheated on in the past? If not I'd be starting to wonder if he's the one with a guilty conscience and is assuming because he's cheating that you also are.

I'm with your DH.

I wouldn't ignore them as I can see many women having issues if it was the other way round. Him at a small gym,with a lady instructor, adding her on FB, texting her, going out for a meal with her and 3 others from the gym and then after mentioning her issues to him was told to grow up and ignored. I know many who would tell them to take a hike. In a relationship you need to take issues seriously. Address them properly. Don't allow him to dictate how you dress, where you go or what you do but this meal thing see if everyone can take their other halves. Tell him his jealousy is unfounded and reassure him. If the shoe was on the other foot people would be telling you to leave for him not reassuring you and going for a meal at Christmas without you and with a gym instructor at a time meant for family

OP if you’re 100% certain you don’t fancy the gym instructor and never will, then I would just keep reassuring your husband of that fact, but continue to go to the gym wearing whatever you want, and going on the night out etc.
However, be completely honest with yourself and ask if there’s any part of you that might fancy him. If he expressed interest in you, would you respond ? If there’s a danger of starting an affair then I’d quit the gym.

Wow, amazed at some of these responses. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Relationships are built on trust and if you can’t trust your partner then there’s no point being in a relationship.

I've never done it, but I can't see why not. Why would it ever be a problem to socialise with people from the gym?

'Would be controlling'! I've come to the conclusion that most people on this site just do not have any time for men.

He's allowed to express his concerns if he thinks it's all a bit weird. There is probably more to it than is written here. What is the husband supposed to do? Say nothing and hope he's wrong, or say nothing and it turns out he was right?

Mumsnet is a tad bit funny with opinions on these matters . If this situation was reversed and the OP was the one in DH’s position , the comments would be to burn him at the stake pretty much . It’s a little reckless to advise OP to disregard DH’s concerns because if roles reversed , this would be point number 1 “HE SHOULDNT BE IGNORING YOUR CONCERNS”

Take your other half with you to meal. He gets to know him and it will prove you have nothing to hide.

You can't just pull trust from your arse in the beginning and expect it to remain the same throughout the relationship.

People change and grow or stagnate, they stop sharing the same ideas or interests. Trust needs taking out of the box once in a while and having the dust blown off and some work done on it.

When a partner of any sex says they are feeling unsettled its not enough to say you should trust me every single time without putting any effort into it and at least hearing them out and adding your own views. It warrents a discussion about what feels different. Relationships need constant work and trust is a massive portion of that work, it's not something you are just entitled to without some effort on both partners parts.

The OP disappeared on day one of this thread but it's got some interesting opinions on it.

Is it CrossFit? Random gym goers going for a meal would be unusual, but CrossFit is a lot different. My primary friend group is all other gym goers. Not CrossFit, but similar mindset.

I think there's a scenario where you go 'hey, I want you to communicate your insecurities and I will listen and reassure you' but you don't change what you're doing since you aren't doing anything wrong.

However, I would probably check his phone tbh. In a depressingly high number of situations, people project their fears about cheating onto their partner because it's what they're already doing/attempting to do.

What/who is DH? I don't understand the abbreviation? 🙂

DH = Dear Husband

If she gave his number to a woman, then she invited him out for meals, that would be ok

I don't think your husband is being insecure every man would have the same thoughts, only those who are under the thumb wouldnt due to being told what to think by the sfs .Your husband's boundaries are clearly being crossed and he's verbalising this to you but your dismissing them. Think women need to remember men know men and their intentions the same way women can be more intuitive and understanding of female intentions. There's no need for him to be adding you on fb, to be contacting you via the phone or inviting you to dinner, mental how you can't see that as disrespectful to your partner it's only the gym it should remain that . I'm pretty sure if it where him with a female then for him to ignore you you'd be feeling crappy , or maybe I'm missing the point being from different country I'm assuming .

Yep my cousins wife has just done this very thing! Small cosy gym, all socialising together, constant photos on SM of the gym, outfits, working out.
I can see why he might be a bit concerned. Why did the instructor invite you why not the other class goers.
I would just reassure him that you are not interested and if you get a hint of anything untoward from your instructor you will be putting him straight!

Has your PT added everyone on FB? txts everyone? if not I'd say he's edging in for more than friendship.

I attend classes and if any of the group arrange a night out it's discussed between us at the gym and also in a What's App group set up to include everyone. It certainly seems that your instructor is singling you out and you may, unconsciously or otherwise, be enjoying the attention and feeling a bit flattered. Be honest, would you like it if a female instructor did the same with your DH?

My partner would be Insecure too if I gave my number to a female gym instructor. I would perhaps invite my partner to the meal though. That would be a good compromise.