refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

Yes could he come on the meal too. Or if others aren’t bringing partners he could join you for a drink after? Take the mystery out of it and he might be reassured.

There is not a chance in hell my DH would come to the gym with me but a drink, he absolutely would!

It’s really not weird to have a night out or go for a meal with people from your gym. Especially if it’s a small non-chain type gym.

I also don’t think it’s weird to swap phone numbers or be Facebook friends with your instructor (how else are you going to let them know you will or won’t be at class?).

Your husband sounds like he’s really insecure, but that doesn’t give him the right to dictate what you do.

Would it reassure him if he joined the gym with you? If you want him to, that is.

Not at my gym. We regularly socialise outside the gym.

It sounds like a Crossfit-type gym where things do get very personal.

It's also common for the gym-goer to get fitter and happier and dump the current husband/wife.

He might not like the new, improved you.

You can address his concerns but you can't stop him being insecure.

If you’re new, or they are a bit snooty and unwelcoming, maybe they have done this 👀

This is one of those posts that, if it was the other way around, the OP would be told her DH defo has a thing for the female gym instructor, it's weird she added him on FB and texts him and he's a dick for not understanding why she doesn't like it. Maybe even a few LTB's thrown in for good measure lol.

Why can't your husband go to the meal too?
Has the gym instructor added the rest of the class to his FB?
Does he text them all also?

I do ‘small group personal training’ and the coaches contact us and we’re having a night out. I’m pushing 67 and the coaches are in their 30s. I would say it would be totally normal at the small gym that I go to. My DH hasn’t taken exception. 😀
Yours sounds rather insecure and would-be controlling.

I go to a gym like this but the owner runs all the classes. There are about 40 members and people mix up which classes they go to so you inevitably meet everyone. The owner messaged us all individually and organises monthly socials.

If childcare or such isn’t an issue, I would invite DH to the gym to take a class with you and sign up.

I know many people think if a gym as a bigger set up but these smaller ones really are a such a great community vibe!

Yeah definitely if this was the other way round everyone would be saying he's cheating on you and raise your bar and all the other stuff people spout when it's men doing something.

@only90 is it a Cross-Fit gym? My gym is, and this is all perfectly normal, including the social side, as I guess it helps with commitment, etc.

Your DH sounds very insecure, but that's his problem and he shouldn't be making comments to you, especially not about what you wear. IME when you get more into keeping fit and active you do sometimes want to invest in more gym clothing to wear - why not?!

i would find the familiarity from your instructor weird and a bit inappropriate if I were in your shoes, so I guess I see where your DH is coming from. That doesn’t mean he gets to dictate your relationships at the gym. If you love him it might be a good idea to find a way to put his mind at ease by showing him how your relationship with your instructor is normal for your gym, but you also need to watch out for pandering to controlling behaviour, which his comment about clothing may indicate if you are literally wearing the same clothes you always have.

Why would being married mean making friends at the gym is odd?

This is a tricky one b/c as PPs mention, if a man wrote those things about his DW, there would be load of 'red flag' posts.

And contact with classmates in a fitness group can go either way. I have a good GF who goes to a boot-camp group and they are all on a whatsapp together, relishing the banter but nothing more.

If you care about your OH and your marriage, it's not 'pandering' but respecting. Your wording suggests that you find him tedious. If I wanted my marriage to stay strong, I'd be listening to my DH and trying to reassure him.
Defo invite him to the group meal. Also, encourage him to join on FB so he can see what's happening.

I think only 5/6 people going from gym is a bit odd, is there only 5/6 members? Or are only some invited?

I'm entitled to my opinion. I would have no desire whatsoever to go and make friends with men at the gym, and have them texting me, adding me to Facebook and going for meals with them. It just wouldn't even enter my head.

I have been part of more than one gym where this is absolutely normal.

Does the instructor interact the same with the rest of the class, do you interact with other class members?

I would try to involve your DH, can he join the gym with you or come to the meal?

I can see why he’s a bit insecure but you aren’t doing anything untoward.

This

Yeah I agree with those saying if it was a woman posting that their husband had joined a gym and was now texting an instructor about their daily steps and arranging nights out they’d be getting “LTB” “red flag” so same applies here I think.

I just happen to have met people at classes who happen to be female but I think if it was a man and he wanted to come along, why not. I can see why if you’re going to the gym, doing your workout and going home, you’d not make friends. But classes… a lot of it is the social aspect, the challenge, the gains and checking in. There’s definitely an element to it that isn’t anything to do with “meeting men at the gym”

It’s insecurities he’s trying to control you

To be honest I find that all odd? He is a class instructor not your personal PT?

I've been a member of a small gym before and I see this as totally normal. The gym is like a little community. Small gyms struggle to compete with big gyms in terms of numbers and memberships, but because of that, instructors work harder to retain the ones they do have, and go that extra mile for their members. It really does become a friendship.

Adding you on fb seems completely inappropriate. I'm with your husband, it's blurring the professional lines. How would you feel if a female gym bunny added him on fb and had his personal number?

Its not weird to go on an xmas meal with gym mates!

Youre husband is weird!

I have a PT and she checks in with me regularly. She is a she, but it’s very much part of the service. The male PTs do the same.

In terms of the meal, groups of the gym friends do arrange Christmas get togethers - there’s a huge one and then also little pocket ones as this sounds. Often an instructor will go too because they’re particularly friendly with that ‘pocket’.

What you have written could, or could not, be a problem. Your husband isn’t crazy to at least consider whether this could become something more - affairs are pretty frequent that start in a gym from my experience. He may be noticing something subtle that you haven’t even noticed yet. Or, this may be the latest in a long line of subtle controlling things that he’s historically done. I think you need to consider both against the background of who your husband is.

If my husband brought up something along these lines I would immediately stop contact but that’s because my husband has never shown any interest in who I talk to, where I go, what I wear etc, not in any way controlling or overbearing. So if his spider senses were set off by something, I would give it credibility and think he’s picked up something I haven’t. But that is only because it would be so insanely out of character for him.