refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

Yes I clearly think it's odd if I wouldn't do it, which is a valid opinion, which is what I am giving because that's what we do on MN.

I specifically think going for a meal with 5/6 people at the gym is odd as a married woman, because a) I wouldnt feel the need to go for meals with men I've met at the gym because I wouldn't make that kind of friendship at the gym, and b) as a single woman it would feel totally normal if I was interested in one of the men so would happily tag along to something like this in the hopes it would lead to more.

No amount of your questioning or putting things in bold will make me change my mind on something I'd find odd. I'd find the exact same scenario with a married man doing the same with woman at the gym odd.

Again, I haven’t said your opinion is invalid. I asked why. You haven’t answered, you’ve just repeated yourself.

And I put some text in bold because I was quoting you. I’ll do it again. Yes I clearly think it's odd if I wouldn't do it.

That’s a very strange attitude. I wouldn’t skydive/learn Japanese/watch reality television - that doesn’t make those things odd. It just means they don’t appeal to me, personally.

If you think anything that you wouldn’t personally do is ‘weird’, then I think you have a very odd and blinkered approach to life. That’s my opinion, as we’re sharing them.

i go to a large gym. The aqua aerobics classes go for a meal every Christmas with the instructors. I’m really unsociable so I’ve never gone but I don’t think it’s odd. Other small groups of gym users definitely meet up separately too.

God you're so awkward 💤 I honestly couldn't care less what you think, but cheers for the input.

Because she’s entitled to a night out with her own friends. It’s not a date it’s a small group why share an interest.
If her dh was insecure about a work Christmas night out should he go to that too?

So she should be expected to be chaperoned everywhere she goes by her husband? Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

DH is being a control freak. He’s probably worried about you getting slimmer, having a group of new friends and leaving him behind in someway. You need to find some way of reassuring him. Can you invite him to the dinner? Because I don’t think the answer here is to tell him he’s just being silly.

It’s entirely reasonable for the instructor to have your number and connecting that way. Most of them do these days.

The irony. 🤣 But that’s about the level of rational response I was expecting.

I think the gym set up and social stuff is normal. I have a PT and she regularly messages me and we do socials. But she’s female.

On the flip side I have a colleague who had a PT, her husband at the time had his suspicions. He’s now an ex husband and she lives and is engaged to the PT 😂 so I am on the fence.

If my DH felt so uncomfortable I would respect him a bit more - but my DH is literally never jealous and has never pulled a stunt like this.

People.are always being told joining a gym or exercise group is a good way to meet people. It's not weird at all that there's a social aspect. Also not.weord instructor is following up, Facebook etc - it's all part of building relationships, keeping clients and getting recommendations for new clients.

I think a new mixed group of friends when you are married CAN be something that makes a partner feel insecure but that's on him, not you. I am not wild about the gang dh does a particular hobby with and it makes me insecure sometimes, but its my problem, not his. And it's all totally transparent and I absolutely could attend any and all social events if I wanted.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, really.

Socialising and becoming friends with people you were a hobby with is perfectly normal and people do it all the time - however I also think if this was a bloke texting his PT, socialising with her and adding her on social media, everyone would be saying to watch out and that it's the perfect set up for an affair.

Many moons ago I had a job in a gym and I have to say that some of the PT type sessions came across as being quite intimate at times and while it may not feel that way for the people involved, I can certainly see why people on the outside would be quite uncomfortable with the whole thing.

YANBU. He needs to get a grip and so does anyone else who thinks you can't have friends just because you're married etc etc. Talk about ownership!

OP's situation is completely normal to the point of commonplace. Gym buddies have each other's numbers and go for a meal together, stop the press. Do people who find something "odd" in that not know how friendships work? Or are they the same people who think making any new opposite-sex friends once you're in a relationship is inherently odd?

I wouldn't pander to insecurity and jealousy. Men who showed any sign of this got dropped instantly. DP is DP precisely because he's never shown a hint of this and simply would not react in this way to anything similar.

Socialising and becoming friends with people you were a hobby with is perfectly normal and people do it all the time - however I also think if this was a bloke texting his PT, socialising with her and adding her on social media, everyone would be saying to watch out and that it's the perfect set up for an affair.

Everyone one here says "watch out, it's a perfect set up for an affair" about literally every innocuous interaction with other women though.

Given than the OP hasn't in any way suggested she is attracted to her gym instructor, I don't think posters following up with "I know a woman who left her husband for her PT" stories are being helpful - it's just stirring. And it's this old trope that her DH is probably falling for - maybe his mates are teasing him about it?

There are a lot of small boutique gyms where I live and it's pretty common for people to meet and form friendships and socialise outside the gym. As you would in work, or any other hobby.

I always feel like I have to go to work events to show a bit of willing.
I'd rather be doing something with my husband.
I find it weird to keep your "friends" and "spouse" separated, as though your husband is not your friend.

If she doesn't want him there, fair enough, but why? If she doesn't enjoy his company, he's right to feel insecure.

If she doesn't want him there, fair enough, but why? If she doesn't enjoy his company, he's right to feel insecure.

Anyone who is insecure because their partner socialises without them needs to get a bloody grip of themselves, quite frankly.

I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy his company but I'm also my own person with my own friendships and interests and DH doesn't need to be a part of that, just as I don't need to be involved with his hobbies or his mates.

I go to a small independent gym, not PT, classes and my instructor regularly messages me to see how I'm getting on, if I need anything.

Also invites me to any events, Christmas nights out, brunches in the summer.

With a small gym often comes a community feeling so no I don't think its weird.

My instructor is a woman but wouldn't make a difference if it was a man.

Would your DH have the same opinion if he was a woman?

I bet he wouldn't.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread.

Is there a chance you might have mentionitis OP?

When a woman posts here about her partner having mentionitis about another woman, and it's coupled with them texting and then going out socialising in the evening with the mentionee, it's firmly in the - you are not being unreasonable to be worried camp.

Have you wandered into being unreasonable by accident? I would want to reassure my DH. Invite him along to the meal and make an effort to show him everything is innocent.

For whatever reason, your dh is feeling insecure about this other man. Surely it’s reasonable to talk to your dh, get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does and offer some reassurance. I don’t think that would be pandering to him, it would be showing that you value your relationship and want your dh to feel secure. I think we all want that for our relationships.

I had this exact same relationship with my gym instructor. Friends on Facebook, they had my telephone number and organised a Christmas night out. I don't see anything strange about it.
My instructor was a female, but I don't see why that should matter when to me it's a normal instructor/client relationship 🤷‍♀️

I believe you when you say nothing is happening but it’s the sort of scenario where affairs start. If that man starts to msg anything more than about the gym be aware. In my experience some men who become friends have other plans. Who here has had a male friend hit on them at some point? I have a lot of male friends as worked in an environment that was male dominated. Have had three male mates then declare feelings, including one when I was married. Reciprocated once by me, both single at the time, married to him for 25 years now.

To look at it in a different way rather rhan focusing on your DH, ask yourself why this instructor is adding you on SM and inviting you out. If he's not treating all his class members the same he's doing it because it's you

It's right there in the OP that they're going out as a group of 5/6 people:

Your DH is being weird. You're socialising with the people you met at your hobby, it's not really relevant that one of them is a man. I have a hobby I do twice a month with a mixed group - one of them has the same music taste as me so we've been to a few gigs together and if DH was insecure enough to be upset about that he would get told to mind his own business.