refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

OP only you really know deep down if this is inappropriate or not - I have attended gyms with no community feel, and gyms with a community like this - those who get it get it and those who don't don't. Some people hate the idea of being in a gym community, I myself have at times in my life wanted a gym with a community and other times just wanted to dip in and out and be left alone. Does the trainer know you are married?

Seeing as most affairs happen with people of the opposite sex who come into contact for the first time once married, I would not want my husband to be privately messaging someone from the gym. You're not friends, it's an overstepping of boundaries to be added on Facebook. I wouldn't like this at all. Old friends from before the marriage are fine. This is a potential love interest.

Honestly, as a really longstanding gym member, I have about 60/70 current and former other members on there, they all added me. It’s really not abnormal.

I barely use Facebook so I just accept as there’s nothing of note anyway - I think some people are just more ‘add friend’ happy than others!

Maybe your DH senses something you don’t - especially if this is out of character for him.

• he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day
• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook
• some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor.

You may not know the answer to all of this but:
Does he text the other members of your class/other classes about steps etc including the men? Ditto for adding class/gym members on FB, including other men. And has he specifically invited you personally or has he also invited the other people from your class to this meal?

I would not be happy if my DH had this much contact with a gym random. I think you’re taking the piss quite frankly. No one needs to text to keep tabs on somebody else’s step count…

I went on a weekend away with gym friends including a couple of instructors. I have gym friends in the same way I have work friends.

My husband would be welcome to do the same.

I’d be jealous 😂

Have lost weight and or/look better physically and have gained confidence/feel better mentally?

Bloody congratulations if you have as hard work deserves to pay.

However if this is the case many men have an issue with this and become bizarrely jealous;they can't accept that us women do stuff like it for ourselves and no one else.

Could you husband be jealous because he's threatened by this other man's physical appearance?

I bet he wouldn't have an issue if the PT was a woman and she was friendly with the attendees from the class.

It's not uncommon for groups from the gym to socialise;my gym is a large one with a bar and function room;they run a monthly social night plus Christmas and new year parties there for members as well as a children's Halloween/Christmas parties for members children.

My husband and I I are both members of a small gym. Our PT has both our numbers which are mainly used to rearrange/ cancel sessions or send links to suggested exercises or what not. Occasionally maybe a joke or a meme. We occasionally go out for a social including a Christmas meal with the instructors and some of the regulars. Any member welcome.

All of what you describe therefore seems within the realm of normal to me and is exactly what I do in full view of my DH. (I am under no illusions that my 20years younger super fit gym instructor has any interest in a middle aged menopausal woman in any case)

Are you planning on shagging him?

Because that is obvious what your DH thinks.

I don't see the point in relationships without trust. I wouldn't have a problem with what you describe neither would my DH.

Is it linked further to you trying to better yourself (via the gym) insecure men often see this as a desire to grow away from them. Ime the man normally forces the division.

X posted with @Duckingella but yes, that.

Don't go for the meal that's a bit much.

DH should join the the aerobics class and get the number of the 21 year old aerobics instructor that runs it and then organise to go out for a meal with her.

Shoe, foot.. no not that one, the other one..

I haven’t said you’re not entitled to your opinion. I’ve asked why.

Do you think the fact that you, personally, have no desire to do something means said thing is odd?

And, to be clear, I’m specifically questioning why you feel that Going out for a meal with 5/6 people from the gym is weird for married people, but not for single people. Not ‘going and making friends with men’ (which is an interesting interpretation of OP’s post).

Honestly, all the people saying "if it were a man saying this..." . Who cares? Why are you all obsessed with men? It's not a man saying it, it's a woman. So what do you think? What do you think about this particular situation, the one the OP has described? We don't need to translate things into making a man the main character for a situation to make sense to us, women are people too and their situations are perfectly intelligible and apt for evaluation as they stand.

I think you are being a bit of an arse tbh. I cant imagine anyone being best pleased at their spouse striking up a new friendship with a gum instructor and going out for a meal together.

Do you value your marriage?

But in answer to the original question I would say that the constant comments would irritate me and I'd tell DH that he either trusts me or doesn't. But if you value the marriage, I'd just make up an excuse about the meal and I wouldn't have my instructor on Facebook.

I'm in a small private gym group. The PT asked to add me on social media when I joined. He likes us to post our workouts etc and tag him for publicity. I don't post photos because I never have my phone out in gym, but I do like and share his posts. We also have regular nights out, summer and Christmas for example but we have gone out for PT's significant birthday. Most communication takes place in group chat, but if it's about progress eg weight loss, or how my myriad injuries affect my training, the PT messages me privately. I don't think your interactions are odd, or a red flag.

OP, rather a lot of posters on MN have what I’d consider a fairly immature approach to relationships - romantic or otherwise. There’s a level of jealousy that’s more heightened than anything I’ve ever encountered in real life and an attitude towards mixed gender friendships that’s extremely juvenile. Their relationships sound exhausting.

I don’t see how you’ve done or are doing anything wrong. Everything you’ve described sounds perfectly normal.

Also, even if your husband is right and this guy does fancy you…so what? Unless he thinks you’re going to shag the first chap that asks, what is the issue?

This is totally normal to me. I'm FB friends with most of the instructors at my gym. It's whole vibe is a friendly sociable place for everyone to feel comfortable in. I get regular messages from a female PT, female spin instructor and a male who provides sports massage and occasional ones from others. My husband belongs to the same gym and gets similar so no issues there but if he didn't belong, I wouldn't change anything as I love it there, value their support and feel 100% healthier and fitter. I hated the gym and exercise generally and finding this network has genuinely changed my life. I wouldn't give it up because my husband doesn't trust me.

Would you really just invite your partner along to meal that doesn't include other partners? Would you sign up to an intense workout programme just to be comfortable your partner isn't engaging in an inappropriate friendship?

I see it as normal because I attend a small gym with group PT and small classes where instructors are expected to engage with the clients as part of the business model. I would not pay the higher fees that I do if I didn't value the personal touch and community. I could just go down Pure gym or the council if I didn't feel there was a valuable benefit

However a lot of people who haven't experienced this kind of set up do think it's weird and likely that includes OP's DH which explains his suspicions

I think the obvious solution is for him to join. It works for DH and I!

I used to be a very regular gym goer, a few of us became pals doing the same classes each week and the instructor was friendly too. We went out for a drink or meal together at Christmas and also went to a few gigs etc There were men and women and it was all perfectly innocent. I’m still friends with most of them now years later. We were friends on Facebook and had each others numbers including the instructors.

your husband appears jealous. Invite him to join you at the meal. He can’t complain if he’s included

I get where you're coming from but her husband joining isn't really the answer, she should be allowed her own hobby and friends related to that hobby without her husband there to keep an eye on her...me and my partner have different gyms and diff groups of gym friends, we used to train together but then I started preferring going by myself and it's both of our down time, if he started coming to my gym and out with my gym friends thus making it a 'couples activity' I'd be a bit suffocated tbh