refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

Your reaction to your husband voicing his feelings would lead me to believe it's not 100% innocent or at least heading that way.

If reversed you would be called controlling and unreasonable. The problem is allow this one and the next one you say no to with hubby will be ten times worse. You stand your ground.

I am friends with two personal trainers. Both around the 40ish mark, one single and, the other with many short relationships, both living their best lives.

I'm not saying all personal trainers are like that but, these two have always lived life in the fast lane and done what pleases them - both happy with their lifestyle choices. It's a profession that attracts guys who care about appearance and what others think about them which generally coincides with big ego's. They are used to flirting and socialising.

The big question I would be asking is whether your instructor is single. If he is then this is a red flag, if he does have a partner then this should be the reassurance your husband is looking for.

Only you can know the situation and what your thoughts and feelings are around it.

I would not just dismiss your husband's feelings. Talk to him and try to understand why he feels insecure about it. How is your relationship at the moment? Is anything missing? Could your relationship have room for improvement?
He may just need reassurance. I wouldn't stop going, but talk to him and reassure him that you're not interested in gym guy because you love HIM and nobody else. Invite him to train with you or involve him - he might not want to but with the invitation he might feel better.

I had a similar issue with my DH recently, I felt very insecure about a female friendship. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be that person, stopping him from seeing a friend, or be controlling in any way. But he did notice my resentment towards the woman eventually and asked me about it.
I told him how I felt, and he didn't laugh at me or get pissed off, he just tried to understand my worries and the reasons behind them. He saw my perspective and reassured me there was nothing between them, explained away some of the things I was worried about, and basically assured me I'm his one and only.

I felt huge relief and it's never been an issue since then. Don't get me wrong, I still don't particularly like the friend - but I'm not worried any more!

Or maybe we’ve been around the block enough to not be so naive about why a young fit bloke is so invested in a young fit woman and her ‘step count’. I wonder if she was overweight Menopausal Mandy or Beerbelly Bob he’d be so keen to be Facebook friends and go out socialising?

If roles were reversed and my DH went to the gym and it was a woman that these scenarios were with..I think I'd lose my mind. Although I'm sure some mumsnetters would say I'm insecure..maybe I am🤣 but I don't think it's wild he has these concerns given the scenarios.

Case in point.

I feel like the majority of the time men accuse their wives of cheating it's because they are guilty of their own behaviour. I would take a look into his activity, not saying he's cheated but I bet there are behaviours he wouldn't want you to see.

People who cheat generally will use the “don’t be so silly “ line, which is a big reason not to do that. It’s understandable to be a bit insecure when you appear to be developing a close friendship with another man. Why wouldn’t you just reassure your husband? Also, you might not have any interest in the gym instructor, but don’t be oblivious to the possibility that he may be interested in you.

Come off it FFS. You KNOW you wouldn't tolerate this if it was the other way around. YABVVVU. Your DH deserves better,

I socialise with gym buddies and instructors a lot and have done for decades. gyms have always been a big part of my social life.

That being said - I think it's odd that a married instructor has personally invited a married client to such a small social event. IME any event like that is generally a general group invitation or if it's a smaller event it will be organised by a class member who might invite then invite the instructor along with other members.

I think you might be being naive OP. Just because you are both married it doesn't mean he isn't hitting on you.

Why can't your husband come to the meal too? If it's mixed company then surely partners can join in.

The view of what marriage means when it comes to having friends or hobbies on here makes me glad every single day that I’m not married.

I am part of a gym and my trainers text me about my step count, and sleep, and how much protein I’ve eaten. Some days after I’ve finished I’ll stop by the office and have a chat with whoever is there or with other people I’ve gotten to know. There’s talks about some Xmas drinks, and I’ll be there if there are.

Because it’s a group of people who share a hobby and encourage each other to keep going and improve themselves. Not once have I ever thought that any of them are texting me or talking to me because they are interesting in shagging me or vice versa.
The insecurity and binary view of what a relationship between a man and a woman can be is extremely childish. And I don’t even bloody like men a lot of the time!

@only90 keep going to the gym. Keep your social groups. If your husband doesn’t believe you despite repeated assurances, that’s now his problem to solve. The comments on how you dress are concerning and reek of control that will carry on if you give him an inch more now.

He will message you and FB add you because you are where his money comes from, just as with all the other members, he would do the same to me as a very fat 53yr old. He wants you to keep coming to the gym and paying your money.

Your DH is a bit dim if he doesn't realise this !

@only90 does DP understand he has irrational insecurities that stem from previous experiences in relationships or growing up and accept that he needs to work on himself rather than asking you to continuously change how you dress, act and whom you interact with to appease him for another 50+ years?

My gym instructor (female) added me on socials and WhatsApp and she eventually built up a rapport where I booked her as a PT for one to one work.

A group of us that were regularly at the gym together (men and women) occasionally met up outside the gym for walks, meals etc.

if you would be perfectly happy with the way this person has behaved towards you and if they were male or female you wouldn’t act any differently- then you are not the issue.

Yes it’s a pity that’s how he feels but these are all his unbased insecurities that he’s pushing on you.

I have insecurities. I know what they are. And when they are triggered I will take a moment (sometimes after the event) and work through them and generally apologise to my partner as I know my reaction and behaviour was based on my feelings and his words or behaviour past and present didn’t warrant whatever my reaction was.

And the suggestion that if you dare insist on socialising with new people, your partner should come along to supervise and confirm you are not up to something, would be called coercive control under any other circumstances.

Yabu. You wouldn’t like it the other way round.

I was going to do with YABU until I realised I had my PTs number, used text messages to arrange and also followed each other on SM 😂. I'll u clutch my own pearls, thank you very much.

This is pretty much the relationship I have with my female PT!

Am I right in assuming that you and your DP have quite different approaches towards health and fitness?

I didn't say that. I'm married because my husband is my best friend. He doesn't come with me to all my hobbies because he doesn't share all the same hobbies and vice versa. He's playing pool tonight, I have no interest whatsoever in pool. I'm going to a pottery painting class on Saturday with my bestie, he has no interest in pottery painting. However, if either of us was meeting up with a mixed group of friends from a hobby the other one didn't take part in, we'd bring the other too because whilst I don't like pool and he doesn't like pottery, we both like dinner.

I don't think its weird that a group with a shared interest go out for a christmas meal. It happens at my gym. I also don't think its weird that he added you on FB. Friendships develop when you train together regularly. I see my PT more regularly than I do most of my friends / extended family!

I have his number but we only talk on text about arranging sessions or occasionally he'll ask me how my eatings going etc, but that was more so in the beginning. We don't talk over text but we do have a good old chat in person every session and I count him as a friend by this point (I see him twice a week for nearly 2 years - of course you will develop a friendship of sorts when seeing people regularly). I am also in the best shape of my life!

You live your life. DH needs to trust you.

Maybe you can double date? All four of you, you and your husband, and the gym instructor and his spouse. You can all get to know each other more. It will be fun!

It seems perfectly fine and normal to me. I think this is your husband’s problem, not yours.
Even if the gym guy did fancy you, it doesn’t mean you’re going to reciprocate. Unless he has very good a reason not to, your husband should trust you and respect your right to have your own interests and social life independent of him.

All these PPs saying DH should go to the Xmas meal Great idea if you want the rest of the class to make a project of helping OP to get away from her controlling husband!

If you'd welcome help to get away from your controlling husband, OP, take their advice. Otherwise, don't. If he's that anxious about What You Get Up To with these people, he can join the gym and see for himself.

The only thing which could be 'wrong' here is that he has your number, but if you've originally booked him for PT then of course he will have your number.

Gym classes and regulars often go out with the instructors as a group at Xmas time. It's a form of socialising outside of the gym. No problem

Adding on social media is often encouraged by someone who is in that industry, a way of advertising and business. Of course it's normal for friendships to develop

Dressing up for the gym - absolutely in DHs head as you've already addressed

Im guessing DH is not into fitness himself so is feeling a little insecure? It's really frustrating when you find something you love but DH gets jealous. I'd just reiterate he is being ridiculous to him and try to get him to address his own insecurities