refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

This sounds similar to my gym in many ways. My PT have become really close friends with- we are friends on fb and will often message outside of sessions- some training related some not. Does it make a difference that my PT is also female? I don’t think it should…

sounds like husband has insecurities- is he also into fitness etc? I wouldn’t tolerate a partner dictating what I do! But maybe that’s why am single…

I don't really understand the problem he's having.

I pay for a running coach (female) and there is a lot of back and forth between us about running related stuff. She checks in on me every now and again to make sure I'm feeling ok, I message her if I need to know something or we can message through the app where my runs get uploaded to. It would be exactly the same if she were male.

She also coaches other people and we are all part of a group (although it is very big) A lot of them get together once or twice a week for runs and I'm sure that as a result other people in the group have swapped numbers with each other and text to see how they are getting on. I have a (female) friend who is also a runner with the same coach and we are always messaging each other to ask how the other is getting on with everything.

There is also a group Christmas run and meal which I'm not going to because I don't know anybody else but if it were a smaller group and I met these people quite regularly I would definitely go but I wouldn't be taking my husband if nobody else was taking theirs. It's like a works event, a lot of mine have just been work people and no other halves so even if I wanted to take my husband I wouldn't be allowed to.

Re the Christmas outing: are "people from the gym" clients or staff or both? Did the instructor invite OP only or several of the class regulars? Is his wife going to be there? If OP is thinking of going to a staff Christmas event as the instructor's +1 then I'm not surprised DH smells a rat. If it's just the gym class undoing some of the good work then no problem...

I think your being unreasonable and should think about how it all makes your husband feel some people are insecure he's your husband

I'm not married and don't go to the gym so I'm probably under qualified to answer but I'll give my tuppence worth anyway.

Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for the pt to add yous all to a group chat rather than messaging you specifically? Any concerns could be posted there for others to give advice, u could suggest this, a WhatsApp gym chat.
Could you suggested to the group about inviting partners to the night out?

A partner doesn't dictate who u are friends with but I can see his concerns as it's rather a lot of contact (in his eyes)

AND

Has your gym outfits changed lately, are u "dressing up"? Just asking!

I used to go to Curves gym (women only) and we had a Christmas dinner out in 2008 in a hotel restaurant. Doesnt sound strange to me. We all managed not to make it more than a Christmas night out

I think my hubby might feel the same until he got to know the person. I think I might feel as though my nose is out of joint also.
Can you ask your hubby to meet you after the dinner?
I don't think it would be right to ignore his feelings, maybe help him understand there's nothing going on, he's Kinley to know this anyway and it's his mind playing tricks. I don't think it will take much to put this right.
I do think Facebook contacts and mobile contact is normal tbf.

I wouldn't like my hubby to be dismissive of my feelings regarding a friendship with someone of the opposite sex xx

Whole scenario sounds entirely normal and exactly the situation I’ve been in. Boot camp, group friendships made, Facebook/insta add and messaging. He was a nutritionist as so helpful. So much so my husband ended up working with him as a client too!

is your husband feeling insecure about his own appearance? Maybe he sees you making improvements and is jealous?

I used to go to a small gym that had a Christmas meal. Can’t see any problem with that. Was friends with the gym on Facebook but not the actual guy, and was on a small WhatsApp group with him other members (about 7). Defo didn’t message directly, I would find that an invasion of my personal life. Boundaries!

Idk I've been going to the same gym for years and I don't have anyone's number, FB or socials. I go to the class, do the things, go home. I thought that's how gym works.

I understand that to you it's ridiculous but this is a closer relationship than what seems "usual". I'd try a double dissolution technique: ask your partner to join you at the gym or the dinner? And, cool it down with texting. Even if you think you don't do it that much, then where's the harm if you don't always reply?

Could you find a hobby with your hubby perhaps, like jogging/walking, climbing, something that you could share?

People might flame me for this but small insecurities can't be cured through ignoring or blaming the insecure party - they need to be addressed one way or another. Small assurances could work. Therapy would be the best but would be go?

I don’t see anything wrong with this. It would be very weird for your DH to tag along on the Christmas dinner. Really odd.

You are allowed a life and friends without your DH. Either he trust you aloe he doesn’t. It’s not hp to you to make your life small so he is comfortable.

I've finally come to the conclusion why there are so many divorced couples and single parents.

Everyone is so self centred. It's not pandering to him, he's your husband. Has he always been like this or have you suddenly started dressing up for the gym?

Some people invited him and then he invited OP, or OP was part of the invited group, makes a huge difference here. If it's the first scenario then yeah it's weird and you're being wilfully blind.