refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

If the leotard were on the other body the mums would already be advising you to drop your OH as is was clear he was planing to leave you and start a family as soon as he had met his gym targets. There is simply no way you can pretend it does not look weird and totally unacceptable if you apply the same logic your female compadres do towards men. My wife and I both have lives outside our own relationship with only a few close, shared friends. Do what you want, reassure him it is him you care for but remind him that none of your vows included anything about not ever having anything to do with the opposite sex. I find women make loyal, true and lasting friends if they can just avoid a jealous partner. Good luck OP.

Is he you personal trainer? i.e spending fortunes a week for him!! then of course he needs your number! Or a class group of females that are doing the same programme? If not then I would be annoyed as a DH … in the meantime sounds like you’re happy and having a great time x

My gym friends and I go for a Christmas drink and meal together and invite the PTs, nothing wrong with this at all! We don’t socialise the rest if the year, just chat at the gym.

TKe your husband with you to the dinner.

don’t ignore his insecurities. I was paranoid about a woman my husband worked with from day one. He told me not to be silly. Three years on and they were cheating together.

if you value your marriage don’t get in situations that could weaken it.

I don’t think it’s weird if there’s no sort of flirty atmosphere between you and you both have your own partners. If it’s such an issue can your husband attend with you?

As others have said if this was reversed it would be all he's a cheat and what not.

However imo he's insecure and you need to talk to him about it, reasure him as best yiu can but draw the line. Now this could possibly open up something else and cause an argument/resement/guilt so be prepared for that. Some people can't see the forest for the trees and when you highlight it they get very defensive and lash out.

You can be friends with whomever you wnat and your entitled to a life. I wouldn't take my husband with me for the dinner, it would feel like I was being watched/chaperoned and that's not for me.

I have the exact same set up at my gym - small gym, personal trainer, friends on facebook, but my PT is a woman so my husband does not have any issue etc..

She messages me asking how my training is going and is very invested in my fitness journey. I consider her a friend and talk about family etc.

I think your situation it is exactly the same as mine, unless you knowingly know it isn't. My husband is not a bit jealous of this relationship I have with my PT

Hi op,

I think the real question is why do you carry on these small things if it upsets your dh? It would have helped greatly to secure him feeling that you care for him above the “small things” you mentioned as such.
Obviously you can’t change number but you can not respond? Maybe tone down a bit how you dress for sport? Just generally speaking…listen to how he feels? If the changes asked are not unreasonable then why not?

I get it is your social bit but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him. You would probably not appreciate a female colleague invite him but skip you under the cover of a job dinner. Or if it wouldn’t bother you…again…why?

Good luck 🌺

Gosh I must be in the weird minority. Maybe I’m naive. I just see folk as human beings. Some have a dick, some have tits, some are in between, some are gay, bi and everything else. I either click with them or I don’t. It has been pointed out to me that this might be an ADHD trait. I dunno, I’ve never taken the test. Maybe it is.

There aren’t many posts on here that make me think WTF anymore but this
but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him.

did. No, OP does not have to change how she dresses, who she socialises with or take on board what her husband says purely because she is married. If you are genuine @laraitopbanana I feel very sorry that you think this is a reasonable way to live your own life much less advise it to other women as ‘what you have to do’.

What’s rude is insecure controlling men not being able to handle their own emotions and expecting their wives to shrink themselves instead.

Thank you! I thought I was going mad when I read that bit. In fact, I think, I got more mad at that than the original post.

@Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice it’s so much worse than the OP as OP knows her DP is being a dick.

Having consideration for your partner’s feelings is so far removed from pandering to controlling, jealous behaviour yet so many posts are telling OP she is at fault.

If any of my friends spoke like this about their relationships, I’d be seriously concerned for them, male or female. As soon as the comments on clothes or friends start, it’s a slippery slope. And some people seem to jump headfirst down it.

It makes me think of that TV show on channel four with her from This is England - is it Vicky McLure/McClune? and that is exactly what he did. He said she was getting dressed up for the gym and she was in leggings and a sports top!! of course he then escalated into a proper knob end.

Having a conversation about his insecurities would be having consideration for his feelings imo - just blinding letting him be a cock and doing as your told for fear he's upset is not!

And why would your husband HAVE TO come on a night out with you?? .. That's so bizarre to me .. he doesn't know these people .. he's not part of the group .. it's weird and sounds controlling and almost like he has to be there to prove you are innocent .. fuck that!!

Man, this comment thread has really riled me haha

@Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice yup, me too.

I’ve been in controlling relationships and this is pinging a lot of red lights. Bringing your partner to an event so ‘it’s not rude to him’ or so you can prove it’s all innocent is not something anyone in a healthy, respectful relationship does.

I think what PPs mean when they used respect in context of OP’s husband is ‘deference’ - totally different.

Feels like "just be nice" to me .. its giving me the bowk if i'm honest.

Maybe its all the politic stuff from the past few weeks as well as past memories .. he could of course just be mooning and not even realise how he's acting.

Eugh - I need a Bob's Burgers break lol

I go to work dos to show willing as well as does dh. I also prefer to spend time with dh over other people. But it also doesn’t mean I never choose to spend time with other people without him and vice versa. I am not an extension of my husband and have had friends longer than I’ve had him and he absolutely does change the dynamic.
it is also incredibly odd to be the only person in a social group that turns up with a spouse to events if that is not the format of the event and tbh if someone was always bringing their partner when the rest weren’t it would ring alarm bells for me. We are all entitled to our own space and social lives outside of our marriages.

Nothing you’ve done is weird or wrong OP (and yes I’d say the same if the genders were reversed). I’ve no idea how so many people even know who their spouses are talking to on social media or texting, it’s not my business what my partner’s doing on his phone or his business what I’m doing on mine. We’ve chosen to trust each other and that means freedom to pursue whatever friendships we want. My DP is in a group where he’s struck up a friendship with a woman (who has a partner too) from the group, sometimes they go for drinks and they’ve all arranged a meal together. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to think I should be invited or to worry about him talking to her. I wouldn’t be entertaining any concerns or insecurities of this nature. It would be a huge red flag of control to me and make me question my relationship, not the friendship.

I’d instantly lose respect for any partner feeling uncomfortable at the way I choose to conduct my social life, so…no

I used to coach at a gym and I had most of the members numbers. They were all members of our FB group. And we regularly arranged group nights out.

I still do and it’s the same. I’m going out with a group next weekend.

All these PPs saying DH should go to the Xmas meal. Great idea if you want the rest of the class to make a project of helping OP to get away from her controlling husband!

This! Imagine bringing your husband along to a social hobby event because he is insecure. Gip! I worked with a woman who did this - brought her husband along to after work drinks every Friday. Completely killed it off.

I get it is your social bit but you are married and so kinda have to take on board what he says. For the meal, if dh isn’t invited then don’t go. It is just rude for him. You would probably not appreciate a female colleague invite him but skip you under the cover of a job dinner. Or if it wouldn’t bother you…again…why?

Because it's okay for married couples to socialise separately sometimes.

But did you friend members on your personal FB page and did you regulary text particular members for no particular reason?

So much surrendered wives stuff on here. Dear God!

It depends some women don't like it when their men are even in the same room as woman let alone speaking to one