refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

[only90]

DH is pretty insecure about my relationship with the instructor at my gym. I think he's being ridiculous but help tell me if iabu.

It's a small gym and I attend it 3 times a week and have done for nearly a year now. This particular instructor runs the classes I do.

We are friendly in the sense that we'll chat when I'm there about life, family (both married with young DC) etc.. we never speak outside of the gym apart from about gym related things I.e. he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day or whatever (as I say very small gym so the trainers are quite involved which I like as helps me keep on track).

DHs issues are

• he doesn't see why he needs my number. He doesn't NEED it no, but no reason why not to either? Literally have never had a conversation over message that is not gym related.

• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook and DH thinks that is weird. I don't see any harm, I would count him loosely as a friend so why not.

• dh thinks I dress up more for the gym then I used to. Honestly no idea where this has come from, i dress the same as I always have.

Anyway, usually it's just silly remarks but tonight it's come to a bit of a head because some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor. I would like to go, DH thinks it's weird... I disagree, weird if it were just me and the guy yes obviously but there will be about 5/6 of us.

Aibu to just ignore DHs insecurities with this? I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm not going to stop attending this gym as I really enjoy it.

Should I just go to the meal and tell DH to stop being silly.

I think it’s weird to have an employee from the gym as a Facebook friend or to text them regularly. It would be different if it was a PT and you followed his professional PT page and you messaged about booking sessions. This sounds more friendship than professional relationship, and it seems like he’s doing the chasing, which feels a bit odd.

The meal out with a group of friends from the gym sounds completely fine. Lots of sport and hobby groups do this at Christmas. It’s only slightly weird because gym instructor guy who is a little bit pushing the professional boundaries is going. Just stick with other friends, not just him, and don’t get stuck just with him anywhere in case he tries something. I’d probably cool the friendship though back to just professional stuff.

Sounds very normal for this type of gym. My partner goes to one of these types of gym and they make such an effort to involve people that even I’m invited to their Christmas party despite not being a member! (I wouldn’t expect to be but they have met me at various fitness events I have attended with my partner).

I really wouldn’t think anything of this. Him
adding you on SM is basically “business development” for him - happy clients are return clients and the gym wants to keep their regular members.

Could your partner attend a class with you so he can see for himself there’s nothing going on? He just needs to trust you and get over it. He’s probably just a bit insecure because this PT is (probably) in great shape.

Yes OP, please invite your husband along to all social activities he isn’t involved in, so everyone gets the message that you are married and shouldn’t be spoken to beyond formal pleasantries lest your husband feel slighted.

Make sure you wear only baggy clothes to the gym so you can’t be accused of flaunting your body to the men around you and upset your husband.

And absolutely cool off any and all friendships with men from now on. Icy politeness only to show you belong to your husband and respect him. Don’t worry that it will be clear he has zero respect for you.

Friends are for single people only so they might find a partner and never have to have friends again.

Married women need only a husband as a friend.

There is a world of difference between maintaining hobbies and social life as an individual and engaging in behaviour that will lead to an affair. Most affairs start at work - should all married women be told to walk around their work place eyes averted, no chat and no work events in case of affairs?

The problem here is an insecure, jealous husband wanting to curtail his wife’s hobbies and social life, yet we have people saying it’s OP who needs to be more respectful and change her behaviour.

So if she gives up speaking to her trainer and declines socials events and wears different clothes and he still has a problem, what next? Stop going? Stop leaving the house unless it’s to husband mandated safe locations and people?

I didn’t realise when the clocks went back, so did attitudes to women being fully fledged humans outside of their relationships.

Personal trainers are notorious for this, it's like the regular person's Strictly Come Dancing in that it's probably surprising how often people end up sleeping together.

Two people, together regularly, very little clothing, getting sweaty, fit/muscular...

I know it doesn't HAVE to happen, but I go to the gym every day and you see the looks on the trainers faces, unnecessary hands-on 'checking your posture is correct' stuff. Our next door neighbour (30ish woman) was smitten with her personal trainer and he'd regularly give her lifts home despite having a partner, and yet I'd see him giving the same treatment to many other women on her off days.

The people crying 'reverse' are probably only saying it to ensure their comment is gender-appropriate. If it's a man writing this about his wife, he's controlling. If it's a woman, it's not a problem at all.

I'm not saying to stop, but keep it professional. Show up, work out, go home. No dinner, and certainly no FB, that's crossing a line.

Many affairs start off innocently, with two people simply spending time together. It does sound like the PT is pursuing you a bit. Better to choose now between him and your partner than further down the line…

@Over40Overdating
i couldn’t have put it better myself.
I used to go to a circuits class, it was very social and friendly with lots of stuff organised outwith the class.
I’m gobsmacked at some of the replies on here

Agreed. Heaven forbid a woman should seek to improve her life and enlist the help of others / socialise / build a support network of her own.

Entirely correct IMHO... oh i'm just meeting this girl, texting her, becoming SM friends.. Seriously, is it worth it for a (supposedly) marginal 'friend'?

WhatsApp would be normal? FB a lot more personal...

But he's not a woman....

Hmmmm ... because emotional unfaithfulness is true for all humans?

So why are you asking what if it were a man? If it's true of all humans, then it's true of women, and there's no need to ask.

Yes but the invite is from the instructor. It implies that the others are not from the class but the gym. There is a huge difference in going out with the class or going out with the instructor and his pals

your husband is being an insecure tool.

YANBU. I attend a gym, we have a facebook group, WhatsApp group and have arranged to go for Christmas meal with our PT . Everyone is friendly and I love the social aspect of it all. As long as you aren’t hiding anything from your husband, which from what you have posted, you have not then I see no issues at all. Could your husband join you in a few sessions just to put his mind at rest?

Exactly this

I'm a member of a similar set up. Our gym tries to organise some sort of social event every couple of months and a regular coffee meet up once a week. It's not unusual to socialise with people of a similar mindset.
I'd assure him that it's all platonic but ultimately you get to pick your own friends.

Nothing weir with going out with member of gym class and instructor. We do a Christmas dinner every year with my gym class. It is nice to see people outside the normal class setting

Your health relies on this? Can't DH see this?
I've gone out for coffee with my yoga teacher and yoga friends..perhaps also suggest to hubby you'll meet other class members including women, who might be able to help your gym motivation which leads to better health for you.

Is DH usually jealous? Or is it just this guy?

Has this trainer added all the class or just you? Is the Christmas invite for just the instructors and you? Because if that's the case it's weird and your DH is not being unreasonable

You said yourself he doesn't need your phone number, so he shouldn't have it, it's unprofessional as far as I am concerned. One of my ex's friends, ended up getting a very expensive divorce after finding out that his wife was cheating on him with her fitness instructor.

Your husband has expressed that he is uncomfortable with the amount of interaction you have with the instructor. If you respected your husband you wouldn’t even question it and drop the communication.

Why do you see it as pandering to him instead of respecting his feelings?

Would you be happy if it was the other way round and he had a female lead ?

If he doesn't feel comfortable, surely in a marriage, it's about listening to each other and coming to a compromise.

Seems you're OK to keep your gym lead happy but not ao much your husband.

Someone expressing a dislike to particular friendships, isn't always about control.
Either of you should be able to say look, I know it's probably nothing, but I don't feel comfortable with you doing xyz, and the other listening instead of saying, well, I'm doing it anyway.

Hmmm! I can see his point. I wouldn’t be entirely relaxed about my DH receiving texts and texting a woman from a gym if I didn’t know her, or him going out to dinner with her even if I was told that others would be there.

And it was the aforementioned Gym Instructor who invited her!