AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Good luck OP, I hope you are able to get this sorted 💐

I agree too.

The OP needs to contact that branch of the police ASAP

Please don’t beat yourself up op. This is classic online grooming and I was this child long ago, I was bullied horrendously and online fell into this trap as I was vulnerable and thought people were my friends and liked me for me but little did I know how dangerous it was and was actually adults preying on vulnerable children.

I highly doubt this girl is 16 and it raises more questions about her dad being on Snapchat. Anyone can create an account so I suspect whoever this girl is has created another account acting on being her dad to manipulate your daughter further. My friends daughter was being groomed by adult men in Snapchat sending inappropriate pictures and asking her to, it’s full of grooming and even my sons school has sent out safeguarding info on making sure kids aren’t on Snapchat or TikTok. I have it myself and even as an adult I’ve had messages from men sending pictures of their genitals and offering cash for pictures. I’d really speak to school about all of this to get some safeguarding help

Ugh, this sounds awful. But perhaps it's a golden opportunity to teach her what controlling, abusive relationships look like. Maybe you could ask the school for some age-appropriate materials. Or find some stuff on YouTube and watch it yourself first to make sure. There must be stuff on there about coercive control.

Maybe some gentle questioning will open her eyes a bit. Like, "You really need your sleep so you can do well at school and because you're still growing. Do you think (GF) is showing concern for your wellbeing when she keeps you up till almost morning, texting?"

And: "Do you think you're happier and more productive before or after (GF) came into your life?

Make her think a bit, basically.

I'm angry on your and your daughter's behalf. Who is this toerag who thinks it's OK to treat a 14-year-old like this?

Also, I really hope that the GF really is a 16-year-old girl and not an older man.

'Before I blocked her on Instagram last night I viewed her profile and she knew I’d done that as she messaged my DD straight away saying why am I viewing her profile!!'

I thought that you didnt have any social media accounts?

Not ones I use but I logged in so I could see her profile and then I blocked her. Not realising she would see i viewed her.

This thread makes for chilling reading. I hope it's all going well OP. My DDs are only 6 and 4 so hopefully all this crap is a while off for us but it's frightening how young it all starts.

Your DD will thank you one day. Echoing other posters that when things calm down it's a good chance to have a chat about healthy relationships generally. I remember one of my very first boyfriends was a bit controlling - things like only letting me wear my hair down so making us late for plans until I changed it. I remember after we'd broken up mentioning it to my mum and she was horrified and it made me stop and think how it really wasn't ok to be like that. Hopefully your DD will see the same about all this in time.

Good luck.

I’ve spoke with the police and they need me to ask my DD if she has sent any indecent photos of herself.
before I did that I downloaded Snapchat and added the dads snap onto mine. Before I had a chance to message he instantly accepted and said Is there an issue. I’ve had a stream of messages telling me I’m against same sex relationships and I’m the problem. This is not true. I have forwarded the messages onto the police. I’m going to net my DD a new number and remove tiktok snap and anything else she can communicate with online.

Sounds to me as though he's a bullying predator. If his daughter really exists, she might be another victim.

Just so you know, you can video call on Snapchat or voice call. That's how I keep in touch with my kids away at school, but they are 22 and 19. It is not really a safe platform for young teens to use.

I screenshotted the snap messages not realising it comes up that I have taken a screen shot. Feel like a completely idiot I’m so crap at social media.

how is she doing at school op

you must have been tied to your phone ever since you started the thread.

What about putting phone down and doing something with your DD?

She can't see who has viewed her Instagram profile - nobody can - so this comment doesnt make sense:

'Before I blocked her on Instagram last night I viewed her profile and she knew I’d done that as she messaged my DD straight away saying why am I viewing her profile!!'

you have 5 children

where does she fit in?

Phone calls don’t prove the person/s sending messages is female. Several cases of catfishers using voice alternating software. There’s no proof the girlfriend character actually exists.

Don't feel like an idiot because you're definitely not! You're now working in the best interests of your daughter. Who cares if they've seen you screenshot? It doesn't matter. Because any reasonable parent or person would speak to you about your concerns and discuss this in a mature way about your children going forward. Even if they are genuine, they're definitely not reasonable people! And that speaks volumes. Hope you're ok OP!

She probably clicked her stories thinking it is viewing her profile. She said she's not familiar with Social Media.

OP that's not the dad. It's one person behind all this. Not a dad and a girl. Just one person behind all the various accounts xx

is your husband, her father, also as inexperienced with social media and you say you are?
You presumably don’t read / listen or watch the news?

Many parents are naive, as I found out when I reported that two of my pupils were being catfished/groomed.

yes

but this is both the OP and the girl’s father (the Op’s husband) that have ignored the avalanche of public discourse on this worrying issue

OP, the first thing I would be doing is making some rules regarding the phone. She shouldn't be using the phone until 4am, she's 14. No phones in bedroom after 9 or 10, or whatever time you decide. And agree it sounds concerning. Is there a school counselor who might be able to help?

It’s not a dad, it’s a predator, and you really really need to start framing it this way in your actions. You are dealing with a dangerous, sick, perverted predator.

I get that.

With the case that I mentioned, one set of parents immediately handed their daughter's phone over to the police for investigation. The other parents refused: "We're paying a contract for that!"

ok but we are talking about the Op and her situation