AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

you need some phone rules.

if she can't behave responsibly with the phone behaviour it gets removed.

no phone at school or she has to hand it in to the office during lessons.

let her hate you, this is ridiculous. If her father is contacting her you need to get on the phone to them and nip it in the bud.

If they’ve never met, don’t know if she is real.

Maybe organize you both meet her in a safe place with CCTV. You ask parent/s to be there. Bring another person.

Theres every chance this person is using photos to blackmail daughter too.

This either ends it? Or gives you an idea of what you’re dealing with so can better organize strategy.

DD deserves better than this person.

(get her name & college …. Call college, say, I know there is privacy but I am just asking you if, after hearing my short explanation, tell me if I should call police. I am worried that the girl Isn’t real & is really a man predator ….)

This. I’d be doing a lot more than assuming this contact is a 16 year old girl. What sort of “dad” says to a 14 year old “girlfriend “ of his daughter “we love you”, especially as they’ve never met.

frankly I’d be thinking hard about getting police involved. This is abusive and grooming given the under current of threats of suicide and controlling behaviour.

id be removing phone. Tell her she doesn’t know who the hell she’s talking to. Giving her a lecture about on line safety and grooming. Telling her explicitly about abuse cycle and the “love bombing” and emotional control that are stamped large across this.

massive red flags

Op please do not start taking your child’s things away. She’s in an abusive relationship with someone who might not be who they say they are and needs support, not a parent ‘removing her stuff’. Awful and harmful advice.

It's nothing to do with feeling owed anything. It's everything to do with concern about a 14 year old child in serious trouble. You may not be interested in what is being done to address this dreadful situation after requesting advice. I make no excuses for saying I am.

maybe she watched her story, if she liked the profile pic or liked one by accident trying to zoom in or something

Your child should be concentrating on her education
Why do you think thar schools have banned mobile phones
Suggest ban the phone
Get DD to join some local clubs or sports out of school & make new friends

This "person" could definitely be a Catfish, it could be an male or multiple adult males

Protect your DD

Change your DD phone number

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cm2yj24xge1o

Please, please watch Sweet Bobby with her - or listen to the (older) podcast. Your child needs to know that people on the internet are not who that appear to be.

And for yourself, learn from many of the resources out there on how to keep your teenager safe online.

Suggest raise concerns with the school about online safe guarding

This is my instinct too. Add more light to the situation so the other adults in your daughter's life know what is happening and can offer advice and intervention. If she's breaking rules by sneaking to the toilet to text, they will take appropriate action

I feel the opposite to most posters. She will find a way to meet her, and it'll be behind your back as she'll feel she has no other option. She'll also be unsafe without her phone- she'll do it anyway.

14 is not 10. You DO think you're in love at 14.

I would arrange with dd to meet the gf together. And while you're all there have a strong discussion about how controlling things have been under the guise of 'I want you both to be happy and safe'

We don't even know if the girlfriend is a real person... And my mom would never want me to meet/ be with someone who is as controlling as this 'girl' sounds

Yes this is my thoughts too, I reckon the girlfriend is a actually the dad, major red flag. I would slice this off ASAP, just to be safe.

You can’t tell when someone has viewed your profile. She will have only seen she blocked you - presumably by going to your profile and seeing you had blocked her

I wouldn’t beat yourself up now. It’s done. Not all social media is bad!

the problem is this other child. And your daughter not knowing this is an abusive relationship. Concentrate on that.

Catfish or real 16 year old who is who she says she is. End of the day they are clearly unhinged and should be nowhere near a 14 yo child

Simple yet great idea

I agree, I can't believe I'm seeing some people say let them have a supervised meet?? It's illegal, and clearly this '16 year old' has some serious issues

God that's harrowing. That poor girl and her dad. I completely missed this story in the news. I'd seen the monster's picture but didn't know what he had done (prior to being locked up he lived about 15 miles from me).

Important message in the link:

"The Police Service of Northern Ireland is making an appeal to all parents and guardians of young people to be vigilant and check in on who they may be talking to online.

They have published advice on their website.

Parents, guardians and wider local communities should report any activity, online or physical towards a child that they find concerning, police say."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx245q4nyyet

OP, just wanted to say not to take to heart the unpleasant comments by posters as to your naivety re: social media. In reality there are likely millions of parents in the same boat as you. I have no idea why some posters seem to take pleasure in judging and criticising someone who has posted asking for help but you need help with the issues with your daughter, you don’t need or deserve to be berated

More generally, it doesn’t matter whether your daughter is being catfished or it is a real 16 year old behaving in this way. What matters is that even if it’s the latter, she is in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship and your only job at this point is to make her see that what is happening is not right or normal. You might want to reach out to some organisations who can give you help and guidance on this. NSPCC might be a good first port of call.

Best of luck, OP.

This was also at the forefront of my mind as I was reading the post. And his killer had contacted Breck's mother also if I remember correctly. His mother had tried to prevent contact and the police didn't want to know. Such a sad situation.

Are you able to check your daughters phone? Search everything, including deleted images.
This may seem like a huge overstep but I suggest this as the scenario rings alarm bells for me, and deleted photos were how the pervert was rumbled. He wasn't a 14 year old boy 😪
I hope things resolve quickly for you all 🌸

Hi
This sounds a lot like your daughter is being groomed to be honest. First they wiggle their way in talking about love and having a relationship, then the contact becomes abusive/controlling, next they put blocks between the girl and her friends after that they will target her family relationships. Manipulating the narrative that only they love and care for that girl after that it gets a lot worse and more frightening.
Personally I think you should speak to the police because this is sounding extremely scary. If this person is not who they say they are then you need to cut contact and explain the reasons to your daughter in a calm and caring manner hopefully your daughter will listen to you xx