AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

even setting as the Op and her husbands seeming lack of social media experience

what about just plain regulating screen time?

I was pointing out that not all parents are savvy.

OP dont beat yourself up. You didnt know what you didnt know. You are where you are, and you are doing your best now. Your son will be a great help, maybe talk to him before you do anything else. Your DD doesnt have her phone now, which is great. Don't reply to anything else on any platforms without talking to your son first. There is a real danger, as PP have pointed out, that you are dealing with a predator. Or it could be a manipulative 16 year old with an inappropriate dad. Either way, you are doing the right thing. Be strong, and dont be too hard on yourself. Sending strength and support your way. I am pretty IT savvy, and this could have easily happened to my daughter - being a parent is hard, we are all pulled in so many directions, we are not perfect, and we are all learning every day. x

well no, definitely not

My husband doesn’t use social media either.

or read / watch / listen to the news?

even if just about screen time

you have other children… do they have any limits regarding phone use?

She is my 2nd eldest. The others are 8 and 6 year old twins.

Regardless of sexuality nobody would encourage their child to become involved with an abusive controlling predator with mental health issues.

Can't you tell if someone's viewed your story?

Wait, the dad sent you the stuff that said you're against same sex relationships and the problem? Or the girl?

I read local news and I don’t watch tv. It’s sounds stranger than it actually is.

The dad yes.

Apparently I had profile views on

You should be aware that if your DD has sent ‘indecent’ photos of herself, she has herself committed an offence.

OP weren’t you concerned on a basic parent level with the amount of time your daughter was spending fixed to her phone?

bugger all to do with experience of Social media or fact you and your dh seem to have been completely about this very concerning issue that is in the paper, news, mumsnet almost daily

This ship has long sailed for the OP but...

Online relationships will feel real even if the two people have never met - bit like abusive relationships, you can (particularly at 14!) 'fall in love' with the person you THINK is at the other end of the messages. This is after all how lonely people end up sending all their savings to total strangers.

Facilitating a meet up can be the smarter thing to do, early on - obviously a safe, sensible meet up (its also a good way to weed out dodgy types as they won't agree to a safe sensible meet up with a parent hovering nearby) - as it can help to see who the person at the other end of those messages really is, and halt the fantasy creation or at least slow it.

Its not fool proof of course, nothing is or people wouldn't get sucked into abusive relationships.

Its also worth parents keeping in mind that platonic friendships can very easily, online, become horrific manipulation/dependency situations, particularly between girls who are 'best friends'...

I'd simply not let a teenager have private conversations online, having seen the things I have seen (kids kept up til stupid o'clock in the morning, being made to feel responsible for someone elses mental and physical health. Being emotionally blackmailed and controlled ie 'you didn't text me back, now I self harmed photo of cut wounds' etc).

what is she doing whilst you’re on this thread Op?

on her phone?

If you want to screen record with sound, screen shot without them knowing (Snapchat the other person knows if you’ve screenshot them, it’s better to use a second phone or iPad to record the first phone.

Screen recording does not ever include sound on a typical phone.

Sounds like you are making good progress.

Recently yes which is what has raised my suspicions also. The younger ones don’t have anything like this. I have beaten myself up about this all day and I know how irresponsible I have been. I can’t argue my case as I have been foolish and a shit parent letting this happen.

the "dad's" behavior is so far from normal it should be fairly easy at some point to discuss this with your daughter and help prevent further incidences of inappropriate relationships.
i get the impression this is all the work of one person, sadly it could be a sick older man, manipulating the younger daughter hence her mh issues.
it may take some profession help to debrief your dd, you certainly don't want her to fall victim again.

is your husband also feeling like this?

The hours and hours this child must have spent glued at her phone and the idea that you just… allowed it, is baffling to say the least

The impact this must have had her schooling, homework,…. life

Someone will be at school or at least reading messages. Contact them re safeguarding your daughter.

Definitely very odd that the dad is so intense on an online relationship his “daughter” has.

Could still very well be a cat fish or a possibly abused daughter herself doing leg
work for the dad.

Glad you’ve got the phone off her.

She was in her room doing homework apparently as it’s quieter in her room away from the carnage of the younger 3. It’s only been the last 3 weeks it’s been noticeably different.

Sounds like she could be being catfished.

Either way, I'd be making threats to report her to the Police for coercive and controlling behaviour. This 'girl' has set herself up as both the boss and the victim - your DD can never win.

Well done for sticking up for her. It can't be nice to be the bad guy but you're right, it IS your job to protect your child.