AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Well done, and try not to panic bout how angry she is right now. You’re doing what you need to do to keep her safe, and hopefully once she is a bit calmer her big brother will be able to help her start to see that. I think it’s very good advice from PPs to focus on the relationship dynamics rather than her age while explaining to her why you are doing what you’re doing.

Adding my voice to the do not contact the"dad". @jcsc
The police are the ones to advise on this.

Any chance you could accidentally drop your daughters phone in the loo? First getting the "16yo gf's number" Then take her shopping for a nice new phone but block that number permanently ( I',m not sure if you can do that but the guys at the apple genius bar will certainly be able to help. Don't ring"dad" from your phone either, Use a friends random landline or a public phone.
Some people have no idea how crazy some 16yo girls ( and boys ) can be, If she turns up at your house call the police immediately. That was my mistake letting her stay just the one night. Dumb, dumb dumb. She was after my son not a daughter it was still terrible. I guess I knew at least she was real as she would sneak in our house so you are a step nehind there, Bloody hell. Good luck. Turns out she had BPD and the parents were ignoring it. Took 4 years to get rid of her so keep a careful eye out OP. Best wishes

Early thirties is much more a demographic who have been exposed to it. There really are plenty of us in our forties who don’t dip into it, have never needed to ( or been drawn to) and are now coming to terms with it as a reality of our DC’s future teens. It’s just lack of exposure.

Conversely, there are also plenty of celebrities even in their fifties and sixties who make full use of SM for their own ends, but if you haven’t needed it, or been exposed to it particularly, why would you delve into it - except now when we are having to as Dc approach that juncture?

There were whole generations who managed to socialise with nothing more than texts, email and a bit of what’s app. I’m sure plenty of MNers actually grew up with the most technology in their relationships being talking on the phone. Thirties is a very different demographic.

I had this with dd2.
I confiscated her phone. I changed the sim and didn't let DD have it back for some time ( can't remember how long, it was a while ago).
It's a situation where you need to be the bad guy.

This was my thinking too. Change the number, dumb phone for now, locked down everything else.

if the GF (who’s not a GF if they’ve never bloody met) takes a single step to contact anyone in your family, report this to the police. This is harassment and intimidation.

if you have not already reverse searched her images, do so asap. This could all be fake, even the dad etc etc. either way, your dd is a vulnerable child and this relationship is unhealthy.

your dd will see eventually. Lock this down so hopefully dd won’t have time to find phone numbers or emails.

speak to the school too. They may be able to help keep dd safe.

I keep hearing too of predatory people trying to get nudes etc out of young people and then blackmailing them

speak to your DD and ask if she’s sent any images/videos like this

I agree with previous posters saying do not contact the dad. Cut off all ties with this 'family'. It may make them find ways to contact you and your family, however if they do contact you you're in your right to tell them to stop contacting you immediately and if they continue then they can be done for harassment because you specifically told them to stop.

I would actually phone non emergency police and log it all just in case it is anything dodgy and then it's all there on record if you do have to log harassment and the police need to warn them to cease contact.

Please tell me your husband didn't reply to this girl...

Also, you keep going on about how naive you are about social media, but letting your 14 year old daughter keep her phone in her room overnight was more than naive, it was negligent. You and your husband need to get up to speed with technology and online safety to avoid this happening to your other children- the first step is not to allow any of them smartphones.

Yes, that jumped out at me, too. Why protect yourself from social media, but not your children?

Just wanted to say how scary this sounds. Lots of it does not add up and very weird controlling behaviour.

Really good you have got her phone and trying to get ahead of it all.

Your daughter is a teenager but still a child. She is going through huge hormonal changes. I think involving the police is sensible & exactly what I would do. I would make an urgent appointment with her doctor,preferably a home visit. I would also keep her off school until this settles. It sounds like she is in no fit state to be left alone or trying to cope with school while going through this phase. She might welcome the opportunity to be off school for a short period. The doctor can organise therapy with initially mild medication for anxiety if appropriate. I'd definitely ask about this in order to settle her down.

I'd report this 16 year old girls father for enticing a 14 year old to communicate with him. I would also ask the police to communicate with the girl letting her know this has to stop. As others have said this is very suspicious. It's understandable you are worried & taking it seriously. I wouldn't let her out of my sight until there is a solution. To clarify my points,everything I mentioned is what I would do in the circumstances. Only you know your own daughter & what is best for her. It would be good given time to hear about a positive outcome.

I’ve already stated how stupid and naive I’ve been and acknowledged this. The only social media I ever really used years ago was Facebook and it was full of hate. My daughter doesn’t use Facebook. I can’t comment on the other sites as I don’t have them and I’ve said before my sons coming home from university to help me with other sites so I’ll be fully aware.

you can assume that this person is female but there is no way of proving this, people can disguise their voices and and there must be apps or soft ware that can do this. Basically if you have never met someone in real life they can pretend to be whoever they want to be to suit their purposes.

I am so glad your son is coming back, he will be able to help and also your DD may pay more attention to what he says than what you say. I am sure he can set you 3 up in a way that you can be sure DD is protected, and I expect he will be able to keep an eye on her SM infonow that he knows she is at risk.
I hope it all works out, and one day she will realise that you did this because you love her and want to keep her safe.

I have already accepted and stated more than once my massive errors on the social media side and it’s hard to admit and hear that I’ve been more than shit in protecting my child who I absolutely love more than anything. I feel like the worse parent ever at the moment and a complete failure and I’m trying to get up to speed with social media I really am.

I was going to suggest this too.

As an aside, how would anyone know who was viewing their instagram profile?

OP please read up on the case of Carly Ryan. I don't want to worry you but this post rang so many alarm bells with similarities, especially the dad's involvement. This case really stuck with me.

OP will not be the only parent who has no idea about the dangers of the online world. The parents of that 12 year old in America who killed herself following the online abuse from Alexander McCartney had absolutely no idea until the police contacted them. Thousands and thousands of parents have no idea what their very young children are up to online.

The important thing here is that the OP has wised up and is taking action.

Just touching on what a pp said, please check that your DD hasn't already been sending any inappropriate images or videos of herself.

They've never met? The father is becoming involved? There are red flags all over this.

ETA Apologies. Accidentally quoted entire post.

OP it's wonderful you are now taking action including getting your son to help you understand the complexity of social media. This doesn't address what your immediate plans are to get your daughter through this traumatic phase. Posters become invested in issues like this & after offering the requested advice it's helpful to find out if you agree or disagree with suggestions or indeed if the issue has been resolved so not necessary.

What?! The dad used Snapchat?

Please...put a stop to this. Until 6 yrs ago, I was a secondary school middle manager. Had to report that an 'eleven yr old' was sending dick pics to two of my 13 yr old female pupils. Said pics showed the manhood of an adult male.

Snapchat is a playground for paedophiles.

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What? OP doesn’t owe anybody anything. She should feel free to post or not post just as she chooses