AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

@ketchuptom do you have anything useful, helpful or supportive to add, or is your aim to make OP feel worse?

@jcsc you are all doing the right things. If you are not sure, then post here before doing anyting, or talk to your son, there are people who will help you work out how to navigate the technology etc.

Takes a lot of guys to recognise when you’ve missed the mark and I really applaud you for it.

Give it a rest fgs

Bloody hell.
Its a wonder any comes here for advice the kicking they get.
Give it a rest.

OP, well done for taking action.
Her supposed father contacting your daughter is very strange and sinister.
However upset she may be, it is better that she has a complete de tox from SM for a bit.
Well done for reporting to 101.

I really don't think OP has done anything egregiously wrong here! Yes, being more diligent over her daughter's social media usage would have been ideal, but it's not like OP has been neglectful in my opinion. Social media and the internet evolves and changes at a breakneck speed; I use social media regularly and even I struggle to keep up. OP noticed something wasn't right with her daughter, i.e. noticed the warning signs, and has acted. Some of you need to wind your necks in giving her grief. It is very very easy for things like this to happen right under our noses and can happen to ANY of us.

If she is genuinely a 16 year old girl, then she sounds like an absolute nightmare and someone who is going to do your daughter no good.

They've never met, your daughter isn't 'in love'; she's a child with an infatuation and she'll see that when she's older.

But for now, until I'd seen this 16 year old girl with my own eyes I'd be very reluctant to believe that they even exist.

And a 'dad' messaging a 14 year old without my permission on Snapchat (remember, people use this app because messages disappear after sending)...I'd be on the phone to my solicitor already to give him a heads up on all the charges I was about to rack up 😅

If you think unilaterally cutting contact is going to be horrendous, why not invite the girl and her dad to your house (or a neutral public place)?

You can go through the controlling/abusive messages she's been sending DD, ask for an explanation and make a judgement on them from there. If she 'loves' your daughter it's not too much to ask.

my mum has taken her out to dinner. My daughter is not talking to me and still hates me at the moment.

You can always take a photo of your daughter's screen with your phone, that way it doesn't give the screen shot away.

I’m just going to recap. I have rightly so had a bashing on here for not been up to speed with social media and letting my DD have access to her phone longer than I should have. I have no excuse.
I have noticed a change. I came here for advice and have had some great replies so thank you.
I am human. I love my children. I am hurting and pulling myself apart here at my own stupidity. My daughter currently hates me. My heart is hurting. My mum has taken my DD out so I can now actually sob my heart out and what’s happened. Please stop bashing me.

"In reply to another poster I have asked if they have FaceTimed she said they have and her dad was in the background and said hello."

@jcsc this was last night, now it's looking more and more like a catfishing predator is behind this, I can't stop thinking about who is the girl your dd saw??

Please ask your dd again if this is true that she has spoken to her gf live on facetime. She needs to know she won't be in trouble for anything she's done or said, she needs to trust you and feel safe to tell you the absolute truth.
I'm sorry you're going through this x

Take the phone to the police and her laptop. I am concerned about her “Dad” right now.

If you can get her to comply, sit with you. An analyze this relationship in paper.
You each get a pro and con list.

Try hash it all out … on paper. Weigh up the pro & con, next steps.

Also, my friends and I often share with our kids the high school relationship stories with our girls. Things you wish had done differently. We all seem to have had an unhealthy relationship because we had no help & no way to know what was good or bad. Wanted love so badly, we overlooked a lot of negatives.

This person, has made her feel special, life & death, and no one understand…. Classic grooming.

You certainly don't deserve a bashing OP. We are all human & we make mistakes. Yours was to be unaware of the dangers of allowing children free access to a phone without trying to find out what's going on. Young teenagers are masters at pulling the wool over our eyes & it's hard to keep control especially when you have 5 children. You are doing a wonderful job in dealing with this dreadful situation. Your daughter doesn't hate you & eventually she will see the error of her ways. Teenagers can be tough. Stay strong & keep in touch.

@jcsc hi have read this thread and just wanted to say that some people on here are very self righteous and judgemental.

Try to ignore them they are of no help and probably have their own real life parenting issues.

Stop beating yourself up please you acted as soon as you realised there was a problem.

You are a good parent, especially since you have thrown yourself to the mob for advice.

OP, couldn't read and run on this. Really sorry your DD is going through this, she must be so stressed. It's very real to her, unfortunately she just won't want to accept any different just now.

Interested to know though, did the dad block you on snap chat after he saw you screen shot messages? (The arrow will come up grey if you send a message if blocked) . I would go back to 'dad' and say about your DD only being 14. I really do think this is a catfish situation, either way it's only 1 person and very dangerous.

Also ask around any of your DD friends parents you already know and ask about the girl in question. The reason i say this is my DD had a similar situation, after calling a few parents they had no idea, but we all thought it was great to know for future incase the person latched on to another one of the group. 1 hour later, a call from a parent to say their DD had admitted to speaking with said person via snap chat. This person turned out to be a preditor and dealt with by police. Keeping this quiet will not help in any way. If it makes you feel any better during the above, I was on snap chat myself and checking who DD was speaking with too. Phones away at night BUT DD was deleting things (no parental settings back then).

Even if this is a 16 year old girl, she is way to old to be in any kind of relationship with your 14 DD. It sounds like a fucking dangerous individual either way. Really hope you get this sorted asap and your DD although young a bit too young, can learn about being safe online and in any relationships in future. 💐

You do not need to accommodate a relationship between your DD & this "girl"

Put in some relationship boundaries

Change phone number

Restrict phone time in the future

You really want to avoid school refusal, which could occur next ? ( more time at home using phone & social media)

You're doing amazingly!
You're brave and strong, it's obvious how much you love your dd. And your more than capable, you got her phone off her last night which I reckon is incredible work.
I'm sorry you and your dd are hurting.
Get alongside her so you're ready for when she comes back to you for support.

OP you must feel like utter shit & no, you do not deserve more bashing!

Presumably your DD has a good relationship with your mum so let your mum talk her round a bit - she's more likely to listen. She definitely will not hate you forever! She just won't. At some point in the future she's going to be mortified at this whole situation & will use it to educate any children/nieces/nephews she has.

You will now be much better informed for your younger children - so good will come from this!

You've gotten on top of it at the moment & just need to stay there. Your son coming back to help is brilliant.

You're definitely not alone in this, my sister (who is very internet savvy) didn't actually know what an incel was or who Jordan Peterson/Andrew Tate are which given she has sons shocked the shit out of me.

Online culture is essential knowledge for parents now & it's not all bad out there :)

Take a breath after a good cry - you've got this!

This screams catfish to me. Either that or they're a very strange, terminally online family.

Ignore all the kicking OP, what's done is done and the important thing is that you're taking the right steps now 👍

I think you have done amazingly well, you suspected something was "off", you sought advice, you have acted on that advice and have learnt a massive amount about social media in a very short time. That is what being a good parent is about. Please don't beat yourself up, which I know is easier said than done, especially when it comes to our children. Parenting is always a learning curve and today's technology adds a whole new layer to the role and responsibilities. Wishing calmer times for you and your family especially your daughter.

I wondered if this would come up.

I just want to say as an older lesbian, do not, under any circumstances be guilt tripped or harangued into lowering your safe-guarding over the fact this is apparently a same sex relationship. It is totally improper. Stick to your guns.

Another one who thinks you're doing fine OP, you noticed something was wrong and have stepped in. Hope everything goes ok ❤️

I agree with this. If this was a 16 year old male at college 'dating' / stalking / controlling / abusing / grooming / isolating a 14 year old schoolgirl - it would be more stark.

Maybe the risk of physical violence would be less but the emotional violence your DD has already suffered is there for all to witness - not seeing her RL friends, already socially isolated, constant stalking / survailence, deliberate attempts to rupture bond with parents.

Which also goes for your husband. It's not just down to you

Put screentime restrictions on her phone, so that her phone goes off at a certain time each night and turns on at a certain time in the morning. You can control her phone from your own/DH phone.