To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

Sorry that you are struggling. If he's been too depressed to work for most of the last decade, has he had decent mental health support? Because if he's so unwell that he can't work, the suggestion of medication is probably not a bad idea. It's absolutely not nice for your children to go without, but perhaps from their perspective there might be a bit more that he could do about the situation, I can see why they would feel uncomfortable to celebrate Christmas if it feels like your children are missing out.

If your dh is not on prescription medicine, it sounds like he should be and he should be doing whatever he can to support his family.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing

What did you want?

Council/publicly owned housing is not free? Regardless it’s worth looking into if you don’t have a decent tenancy.

Prescription drugs are surely a better option than non prescription?

I presumed they are trying to give suggestions to help as you asked? not meaning any ill to you both.

I guess if they are wealthy and never had your experience they may not be able to relate so it may come across heavy handed to you but with what you've written it doesn't sound mean x

What did you want from them? Are you saying you’d have been fine with them saying ‘Gosh, how awful. I feel terribly sorry your children are missing out’. Your mention of their wealth suggests you were expecting an offer of money.

What do you think is causing his depression?

Unresolved childhood trauma, addiction or undiagnosed ND etc?

How was/is your DH's relationship with his sisters growing up and now?

How many children do you have?

If your dh is so depressed that he can't work then he needs to be on medication. I have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and I've been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds since 2008. They're not the end of the world, and can be an absolute miracle. They have been for me. I sought help for my issues because even in the depths of my despondency I knew that I owed it to my dh and dc to try to get well. Your dh owes the same to you and your children, and if he isn't willing to get help, then you have a dh problem, not a sil one.

It sounds to me like your sils are offering practical, concrete suggestions for ways to help him and make your lives easier. And although you say you don't want a handout "can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without" certainly sounds like a handout is exactly what you're looking for.

It is not you dh's sisters' responsibility to take care of your children--it is your dh's and yours.

I really don’t want to be harsh but I am the SIL in a similar scenario so I could tell you how things might look from her point of view.
You say that your husband has not worked much because he has been depressed for 10 years…During all this time he didn’t want to try medication in order to improve his health and financial situation for the benefit of his children??

You say that you don’t want anything from your SIL ‘’but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without?’’ But why should they? Your children are not their children and your SIL is (I assume) not responsible for her brother’s depression or his ‘bad luck’ with keeping or finding work.
I, too, keep my brothers’ families at arms length. This is, amongst other things, because it hurts me immensely to see how they didn’t take advantage of work opportunities and their children are suffering as a result of the lack of money and their parents’ chosen lifestyle, it hurts me to see how they chose to have several children without asking themselves if they could afford them, and it’s pretty upsetting to hear their sarcastic arguments about how I don’t understand how hard life is for them and oh, how I’ve forgotten where I come from.
I am not saying that this is similar to your situation and do forgive me if my message upsets you, but perhaps your SIL isn’t that evil, perhaps she just feels powerless to help you and show you that there is a way to get out of your current situation.

OP, I've been in your position. I've been married to the man that people distance themselves from because his mental health is poor, and he makes poor decisions (I once thought he was just the unluckiest man I'd ever met)
But we'll adjusted people don't get closer to the car crash to put themselves in the position where they need to help, or feel bad about seeing the situation up close.

It leaves a really sour taste to be up close, and see that children are going without, because Dad hasn't done all he could. It's hard to see a woman lose her sparkle, because it's being dulled by life.

But the only real way they can help? Is help, then when the next situation comes up, help again, and again, and again and again.

Then yes, they've helped, but resentment creeps in, and relationships are damaged, both sides in fact.

They want to keep your family, and the problems of your family firmly away so it doesn't seep into their lives, and that isn't really wrong.

Your DH does need professional help, counselling and finding the right medication is a great start.
Taking some financial responsibility is the next step.

I have a myriad of both mental and physical conditions, I find it hard to work full time long term. So what I do, and have always done, is worked whilst I could and saved. Luckily I am able to earn a lot, so I work freelance, and that means there's always money for stuff that's needed whilst I gain the strength to go back and work some more... maybe this needs to be the way your DH at least starts to take some financial responsibility.

A thoughtful, well-considered post. Thank you. 😊

If your DH is depressed then he needs to see his GP. It's not something his family can solve for him. Ultimately giving you money is not going to solve the problem as you need your own income as a family.

I'm sure they care about your children but presumably they have their own children and yours are well looked after by you, so what do you want them to do?

Advice can be annoying but the suggestion that your DH seeks help for his depression is fair and a GP will do far more good in this situation than any expressions of concern from family.

My brother's had mental health struggles since he was in high school on and off over 2 decades. I dont engage anymore, he wouldn't see a doctor, he wouldn't help himself, he wouldn't go on medication, he self treated with alcohol and illegal drugs. I did a lot for many years, I don't engage anymore because you can't save other people and all I achieved was to harm myself. He actually finally said he was depressed after over 2 decades and is doing something about it off his own bat. I have my own mental health issues, but I got treatment because my kids needed me. People get burnt out on the mental health issues of loved ones. I can see if he hasn't tried several medications why people feel that should be what he's doing and why that's their advice. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Eta: Your title is an unusual take on the situation. I might interpret it as them not really caring, or them being burnt out or not understanding, but I don't see why your interpretation is they want to see you suffer?

"been over consumed with having kids amongst other things"

Ok. So if I was your SIL I'd be asking why you both as a couple have not prioritised his mental health and financial security before having (presumably) multiple children.

What is it that you are expecting from her?

Why are you posting about her rather than his inability to seek help to improve his mental health? All the suggestions made sound utterly reasonable.

They are likely keeping you at arms length because they know they cannot fix your husband's problems if after 10 years he won't try for himself or his family.

It's not about jolly conversations. It's about not getting sucked both emotionally and financially into a situation beyond your control that has the power to bugger up the lives of two families and not just one.

Maybe you'd be better off thinking about if staying with a man who won't help himself is the right approach for you and your children?

I have depression amongst other issues.

If he hasn't seen a GP and tried prescription medication it's an obvious first step.

It helped me massively.

My mum had a brother who could just not help himself and his family. He then lost his son in a car accident. All of his siblings supported him emotionally and his parents supported him financially during this time. He still chose not seek professional help even after a year later when his young teenage daughter ran away from home and became pregnant to a person out on day release from prison.

About 10 years later he summond the family and told them they were responsible for the problems that his daughter encountered becaasue they didn't support her and they needed to step up now. This is despite the fact in over that time both of his other brothers had traumatic marriage breakdowns, and my family had a severly disabled child to look after. He was so wrapped up in his own awful situation that he couldn't see that everyone else had severely struggled over that time period too. And no he offered no support to any of his siblings when they had problems and none of them speak to him now.

My point is that its really hard to help people who chose not to help themselves. I have had depression and it gives you this air of narcissm that you are the only person who sees the world for all it is. You think you know better than everyone, but actually you thoughts are just incredibly dysfucntional and when it starts effecting other people you need to face them and get some help.

This . It's incredibly selfish this has gone on this long without him getting serious help. Your children are paying the price.

I agree very nicely said!

agreed. Your DH sounds like he has done very little take any sort of responsibility for how own life. That is not his sister's responsibility.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

With respect OP, the children in question are yours and your husbands. It isn't on anyone else to provide for them.

I imagine your situation is draining and they have distanced themselves from it because they cannot help. I hardly think (as per your title) that they want to see you suffer, but they have their own families and dc to think about.

OP unfortunately I am also in a similar position to your SIL.

Whilst family often say they come to us for ‘advice’ or just to chat about their problems it really does feel like they are not actually looking for solutions but rather for us to provide resources. And it’s very hard for us to watch people we care about do nothing to help themselves.

This has bred resentment on both sides and created a massive divide in our family.

What exactly do you want them to do? You say you wanted them to talk to him and it sounds like they did. They offered practical advice, but you said you already know all that. Then you mention your children going without so is it you want your SILs to help financially?

The relationships between siblings are sometimes wonderful, and they are often frayed too, with an expectation of "family values" put on upon them, despite some difficult relationships. Parents will often still answer the call, and will help and plead for everyone to be kind, charitable and so on, But In reality, how can you expect sisters that have their own lives to lead, families to support, and have forged their own path in life to support a sibling who has (in their eyes) done nothing to help themselves. When you have a child, you have to be able to support that child through life, even if it is sometimes a difficult and at times, feels like an unfair jig. What aunties should not be "expected to do" is support someone else's child beyond the normal "auntie" stuff. They have offered advice when you have reached out to them, and I bet too that they worry and care, but it is not on them if your child is missing out, it is on you and their dad. I am sorry for the race thing though, that's not great, and should not be a factor if it is one. Hoping for the best for you and that you can pull everything back together xx