To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

It sounds to me as if you’re projecting your (understandable) inner resentment of your DH onto your SILs.

This - and also that you don't seem yet at the stage where you start seriously questioning your dh's narrative - but I think that time needs to come.

This is going to sound very blunt and perhaps you will see it as uncompassionate - but I expect I'm not the only person reading this and thinking how it's funny that women never get to be 'overconsumed' by having children to the point of not working for the best part of ten years and allowing those children to suffer from material deprivation. Women also don't get to sit around lamenting their 'bad luck', not when they're mothers. They find a way of getting on with it, as you have. I'm sure I'm far from the only woman on this thread who has worked through some pretty dire MH. Of course I'm not saying every type of MH difficulty can be worked through, but remaining in that position for ten years, without really doing anything to get better and change, isn't a luxury your dh really has. Except he does, because he has established the narrative of his bad luck and you are carrying all the burden and just about making things sort of work.

Your language about your dh's job search still suggests quite a lot of passivity and something a bit akin to entitlement - he's been interviewing but nothing's 'come through'. (As an aside, if he's getting interviews but not being successful at that stage, that is a very concrete point he can work on).

If I were your SILs I wouldn't be putting myself forward to act as my brother's enabler in this situation either, I have to say.

Could he have become this 'go-to person' because his sisters, understandably, saw he wasn't working and therefore had more time available than them?

My first partner was like this. We didn't have children, and i worked non stop to keep up afloat. I realised that at some stage, I wanted to buy a house, have some savings and actually go on vacation, and I was feeling so low and dragged down. We divorced. He worked for a while, remarried, and then quit work...his wife does everything. In contrast, I moved to a different country for a job opportunity and married again to a good man who has held down a job...we both worked and now I am enjoying early retirement and real financial security. Things are much, much better.

OP, at some point, your partner has some responsibility to get help and get engaged with life and help you and your kids. If he doesn't want to do that, you are within your rights to find someone else who will. That may sound harsh, but you don't need to be ground down.

As to your family, if they don't want to talk to you on the phone, write them off and don't expect anything. My brother distanced themselves from me when I was with a partner who was depressed, didn't work, etc. I still don't have much to do with him, but what is strange is he doesn't want to acknowledge I turned around my life and ended up being pretty successful...in fact I am equivalently wealthy if not more so. I just shrug my shoulders and get on with things.

op is upset that Sil has more than her.

dh doesn’t want to work. They presumably get some benefits and dw works.

They manage and don’t starve, so why should he bother working.

I have a relative like this, it’s our fault that we don’t bail him out, he doesn’t work and we do so have we have more. Apparently we are lucky. We told him that he can be a security night guard or something he can just sit there or walk around. No he is depressed because his life didn’t turn out as millionaire-ville. Working would depress him more, so he couldn’t possibly do such a low-end job. Always in whine mode, designed to make us guilty. I just feel revulsion. Why should I work and hand it over to him?

Really well written.

Bottom line, I have huge sympathy for people with bad health either physical or mental, but he hasn't tried everything to get better.

That's not really acceptable when you have a family to support. He needs to get help to improve his health so he can provide for his children.

My DH has suffered from depression over the last 5 years, he is also resistant to AD. We have therefore looked in to other things which seems to be helping his mood. He has improved his diet and is exercising every night (even if it is just a walk). He is also taking magnesium and vit D, a deficiency in these can cause low mood. He also has a SAD light and has been taking lions mane mushroom supplements. He has also had therapy sessions, which really seemed to help.
He is working 40 hours a week, in a senior position. We have planned well for him to retire early.

It's possible. But there may also be a third option, which is help from outside the family. Especially if the parents have resources too.

So I think it would be helpful to get an idea what sort of needs we're talking about here. A lift to hospital appointments once every couple of months, personal care, something in the middle?

"My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled"

That is highly unlikely.

It may genuinely be really tough for your OH but I am always slightly sceptical of people who are 'too depressed' to have worked for an entire decade because I know plenty of depressed people who work (can't afford not to tbh), and also, I have a sibling who constantly plays the mental health card to get money out of people. In reality, she doesn't have any mental health problems. She has also never worked (not for more than a few weeks at a time, then months off to 'recover') and doesn't have much money as a consequence as relies on benefits/handouts, and she lays on thick guilt trips to get relatives to hand over money. Nearly everyone has (including me, even though I know her tricks). So it's hard for me not to have some sympathy for your SILs because I've been 'reached out to' about my sister's problems many times, which in reality means either give her cash or don't be annoyed about her rinsing mum and dad. It's really draining hearing how shit someone's life is every single time you try and have a conversation with them (until you just start avoiding them completely). I keep her at arm's length too. This may be miles away from your situation but what you say did rung bells with me, sorry.

ETA - your SILs are also right because if he's not taking prescription drugs then he clearly isn't even trying to get on top of the depression. Not good enough. (I speak as someone on sertraline with a full-time job and kids).

A phase isn't 10 years. It's practically a generation.

Your in-laws aren't responsible or the cause of your lifestyles or health. They are highly unlikely to be that invested to want to see you suffer. At most they're probably impatient with you for being so passive about your lives.

You sound like you want someone to look after you because you're always the one doing the caring or having the responsibility.

The real question here is, do you want the life you have now for the rest of your life, since that's where it's going? Or do you need to change something work-wise or walk away from the relationship?

Your SIL is unwilling to help because your DH is unwilling to take steps to help himself so is in an endless cycle.

It sounds like they have dealt with it previously and therefore don't want to go back there given he is showing no inclination of sorting himself. She has offered tou practical advice.

I keep my DB at arms length because he is in an endless cycle of being financially inept. He has had thousands upon thousands yet still doesn't budget and think he deserves the latest thing because he or the kids want it. I refuse to help because he doesn't change or learn so I would be throwing money into pit when it's a sticking plaster for a few months and he will be back.
Your SIL probably feels similar it's a sticking plaster because he refuses to make any steps towards addressing it.

You seem like such a lovely caring partner and mother and I really hope things get better for your family.

I do think though, the perspective needed on this is not 'we can't afford therapy' but more 'can we afford not to seek therapy'? Do you want to be in this same position in 10 years time?

The only way out is if he agrees to start seeking some kind of help.

And yes that is a rocky journey all by itself. Not every drug works for everyone, not every therapist is a good fit, even when there's progress it can go backwards again before going fowards again, there is no quick fix, no one size fits all, it's often a life long journey.

But your husband has got to show willing, and that he cares enough about how the current situation is unsustainable and is impacting you and the children, even if he can't care for himself right now.

Otherwise no matter how much you love him and how much it hurts you have to ask yourself can you settle for the life you have now for forever, or do you need to rethink the future you envisioned for yourself and your children?

Unless you force the agenda your husband is not going to seek any help and will continue to just exist in the status quo because he can - hence it's been going on for 10years + already.

Sending hugs as I have been in a similar-ish position and it's tough and can feel really lonely.

Honestly see if there are any local support groups and reach out for support, go to meetings. Usually there are some for families affected my mental health and/or addiction issues, but also you'd be welcomed at meetings for people struggling with these issues, and it can be so helpful as they will know where you can get support, give you things to read and help you understand where your husband is mentally and the best way to support him into seeking help. Your husband does not think the way you think, because of his illness literally his thought process and reasoning are all affected. That means you do not really know how to communicate with him on his level, so it's hard to break through, and talking to those who have been through similar is a really great way to start to understand that.

How long has he been like this?

Are they at the point where if he's still not medicated and can't work because of the depression, they are fed up of him not helping himself? There's only so much people can do for someone and 10 years is a long time to not have sought help

Additionally, your anger is misdirected. They haven't caused your issues.

Whether your husband means to or can help it or not, he is the reason you are living in miserable poverty and whether you like it or not you are choosing this life too by your own inaction.

What you do about your life is up to you, your family don't want to save you, so you will have to save yourself. And if nothing changes, nothing will change.

He does need to go back to the doctor. He needs to keep pushing until the right councillor that he can gel with, is found, and the right drug is found. If one doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean others won’t.

My younger brother has suffered from depression his entire adult life, it has been hard to watch and when I used to live away from the family, everytime my mother used to call me I would hold my breath that it wasn’t the phone call to tell me he’s taken his own life.
He’s been on medication for a long time now and while he has his bad days occasionally, he lives a happy and healthy life and knows what to do when it gets too much.

Your SIL is not trying to be cruel, she’s probably coming from a place of frustration as he sounds like he’s done nothing to really help himself and she can’t watch it anymore. The fact you also brought children into the world with him being unstable and unable to work, may also confuse her
You called and asked for advice, so she gave it you 🤷🏼‍♀️

There would probably also have to be some quite substantial sums involved in order for them to be doing any real 'saving'. It sounds like a lot of the struggle here is due to poverty, and they may genuinely not have the funds to be able to make a family with one low earner, one non worker and multiple children secure and comfortable.

And if he’s struggling to get a job, volunteering will give him something more up to date on his cv. I know it’s a vicious cycle if his mental health is that bad, but the situation hasn’t, and won’t, change unless he himself makes it change. It won’t magically happen by ignoring things.

it would have been nice for sils to have a word too. Perhaps ask them that directly. They perhaps don’t want to intervene and upset either of you, or perhaps they’ve already tried to no avail?

Google local charities in your area for mental health help. There's lots of charities out there who can help with free counselling and most areas also have mens groups for men struggling these days also.

@Smama44 10 years of not working and depression is not a phase. It's a lifestyle. It's also your children's only life experience.

Your children are going without many things for financial reasons. They are also going without an active dad who is emotionally present in their lives and providing them with a positive male role model.

I don't know what more you and/or your SIL can do but if your husband refuses to get medical help I would consider leaving him. The situation at the moment is showing your sons how to be a man and your daughters what to accept from a partner. They deserve better than this.

I don’t understand what you actually wanted from them - you say you didn’t want money but then it sounds as if you expected them to buy things for your children. (If they had, you might well have felt patronised and humiliated by that. I would.)

I also don’t understand why you are interpreting their advice, which sounds perfectly reasonable to me, as "wanting to see you suffer".

Remember they have known their brother all their/his lives. Maybe they see his behaviour as part of a longstanding pattern and think he should do more to try NHS counselling, different medication, work, etc. so he can help provide for the family he presumably chose to have.

OP, I would definitely suggest your DP gets on a NHS waiting list. I'm my area, once he's had an assessment, he can access a duty manager (mon-fri) or you can, so if he's feeling low, they are there to support.

Theres different types of depression, so having a play around with different meds is sometimes the only way to find the right one. It's a pain, but necessary. Also, depression can be a sign of other health conditions, so encouraging him to see his GP could be a good idea.

Also, how about encouraging him to attend a mans club? I work in the mental health sector, and I've seen lots of clients benefit from being around other men, who have similar issues. Sometimes men don't open up to women.

Also, do you have a recovery college nearby? If not, you could see if you can join a neighbouring one. Recovery colleges are kind of guided self help, and have support groups for depression, anxiety. I've seen clients find these useful.

And is there a carers group you can go to for support? You need to take care of yourself OP.

What about using the citizens advice or similar organisations to help with your housing/ finances? With Christmas coming, as well, they might be able to refer you for support with kids presents? Just a thought.

I hope things get better for you and your kids and your DP. Ultimately, he has to empower himself. Depression is tough, but it's manageable with the right support.

Yes, quite right, they would indeed have to be very wealthy to actually carry a whole family in poverty.

OP, I'd be interested to know what being "overconsumed" with having children means in reality.

The advice he's been given is valid. He needs to go back to the GP, try antidepressants (and be prepared to change them if they don't work) and get referred for talking therapies. He needs to take the first steps to help himself. This is 10 years, not a blip and nothing will change until he does.

Please don't make the mistake of deflecting your frustrations with this situation on to your SILs, who have no control and can't provide a solution.

It sounds as though you are really struggling in an incredibly difficult situation, but none of this is your SILs' fault or responsibility to fix. If this has been going on for 10 years, it's unlikely to have come out of nowhere, and I would imagine there is a whole complicated history to place their sibling relationships within context.

We have a close family member who is in constant need of financial support. The initial situation technically wasn't their fault, but it did come about due to a lengthy series of bad decisions, and they went on to make more poor decisions, including a major one that has directly led to their current circumstances. They never do anything to help themselves, but have very high expectations of what sort of lifestyle they should have. For the best part of ten years, multiple family members - including siblings - have been bailing them out in emergencies, topping up their day-to-day income, paying for things that their children wouldn't otherwise be able to do. While this has been going on, the family member has continued to make their situation worse, to the point where there is now no realistic prospect of them ever getting themselves back on their feet.

Everyone has had enough of it, because there will never be an end date. There is no plan, no thought for the future, no consideration to upcoming changes in their circumstances - just the expectation that someone else will bail them out. One family member has stopped helping altogether. Their parents are still helping, but they've also taken a big step back in terms of how enmeshed they are in all the problems. Another family member will step in if there is a real emergency, and is prepared to help the children out in the future, but won't get involved in the day-to-day issues.

With the best will in the world, most people can't maintain the same level of concern and investment for years and years, especially if the person involved never does anything to improve their situation. In our family, we're resigned to the fact that we will be paying for this person until the end of our lives or theirs. The relationship will never recover from that.