To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

It’s a widely held idea that adults need to help themselves, get out of their “rut” or problems. Only the person, can decide to make changes.
When people refuse to seek help …. What are others supposed to do?

Every family has their own problems, while you consider them “wealthy” they alll might be over extended. Not wishing to give money away or get involved in supporting another family financially or emotionally. It’s not your business.

Best for you to focus on what you can control or change. And not blame others for “not helping”

You can self refer for therapy in the NHS. Maybe this is something that might be supportive for you as well as for DH?

Kindly, ten years is not a phase. That's a lifetime.

This is not a temporary situation. This is now the normal.

Therapy and all sorts of treatments are available on the NHS. Has he used talking therapies, they currently have less than a month waiting period?

He needs to go to the GP. Say that he's not worked for a decade because of his mental health and ask for help.

I have had bad episodes of depression and anxiety since my teens due to trauma. This has even involved suicidal ideation. I know how badly mental illness can affect your life.

But I have always sought support from my GP and took medication and counselling (through the NHS, I know there is a waiting list but it is worth trying to access that support).

My point is your husband should not have spent the past 10 years doing nothing to try to manage his condition better, especially because you have children to take care of.

So your sister might be a heartless woman who likes to flaunt her wealth or she might simply be someone who is trying to show you that you can't help someone who does not want to help themselves.

Your fist step should be to have a serious conversation with your partner and make it clear the current situation cannot go on. He needs to start asking for support from mental health professionals and finds ways to help provide for his family.

I would ask yourself as well whether you want to carry on living with a man who is simply dragging you all down and does not want to help himself. It is not fair on you and not fair on your kids.

Your SIL giving you money would just enable your current situation to carry on.

You can’t change the situation. Only he can, he can try antidepressents again (lotsbof different types), get on the NHS waiting for talking therapy (he can’t have been on the waiting list for 10 years), look for agency work. Lots of people are offering short term contracts at the moment in the run up to Christmas.

The only thing you can do is decided if you’re happy for your children to live in this environment as it stand or not. That is the only thing you can control.

It sounds like both you and DH are being very passive here and are waiting someone else to fix the problem.

It seems your sils have given you practical advice. His depression can’t be managed until he gets medical treatment for it and you definitely should be applying for a council house if you haven’t already. You can’t seriously be expecting them to support you all financially just because they are more responsible with their money and health than your dh?

OP, you’re getting an awful lot of sanctimonious stuff here. 💐

Sounds to me as if you’re asking his family to step in to help your relentless efforts to rescue DH - that’s a really good idea. If they said no or ignored the hint, it’s a bit shit. And isolating for you.

Also, giving the kids a decent Xmas present won’t kill them.

I’m on your side here and I do think that helping out family with a free phone call or two is a reasonable expectation.

We all have to have expectations of each other or families/society don’t function. Having to beg makes it miles worse.

What worries me is that DH seems a pretty lost cause and that’s what you might have to think about long term.

Free housing?
No its not free 🙄

They've had a lifetime with him. They know him.

He either gets help or proper disability benefits.

If they start to help, where does it stop? What do you think you're entitled to from them?

I speak from experience here and don't get involved as things can be made worse by entitlement and expection, which cuts both ways.

Could you ask them for practical support?

For example, looking after your children whilst you take him to the doctors etc.

So they are helping practically with the situation.

Or could you ask them to drive him to the doctors?

Why comment on anti depressants when you very clearly have a weird agenda against them and have no idea how they work

Genuinely. They are not responsible for your children.

Their advice is solid.

Your dh needs to be on medication and get proper support and get a job.

Applying for council housing isn't necessarily about free housing (mainly cos it isn't free) but it is far more secure than private rentals. But you need to be only list and applying to be in with a chance.

They have offered practical advice...what more were you looking for?

I was a bit harsh there. But I'm worried what you think is a phase isn't. I have friends with husbands who've not worked in 20/30 years and they're run into the ground.

Go seek help for yourself. There are a lot of different organisations and befriending groups.

There are services to help with jobseeking too.

If he can't get a job in his chosen field then he needs to start applying for jobs he can get.

Even earning minimum wage would probably help your family and maybe the routine of work would help pull him out of this.

Depression is valid, but the person needs to help themselves and use the tools available. Go back to GP and self refer for therapy, being honest with them just how much this is affecting his life.

He has a family and children who are suffering. As PP said, ten years isn't a phase.

Compassion is beautiful and you sound incredibly supportive, but for your sake and your children's sake I would start taking a bit of a harder stance with DH.

If I was his sister I would struggle to know what to suggest after ten years... To me that would very much look like he has given up.

It can be frustrating and heartbreaking for family members to watch on in these situations, especially when there is children involved and some people decide to emotionally distance themselves.

I have had crippling depression and tried two antidepressants before I found one that worked. It is trial and error and awful adjustment periods for about 6 weeks or so, but you need to persevere.

I wouldn't say I am "cured" but I do what I need to do for the people I love.

My husband sat me down one day and said he couldn't watch me be like this anymore and he would support me but I needed to do something. He was kind but also very firm and although I felt angry, it was the kick up the bum I needed.

I think they have given you good advice. There is nothing wrong with taking anti depressants if he needs them. His head will clear and he will be able to sort himself out

It sounds like they just want to get on with their lives, not sure why you think they want you to suffer, perhaps they just don't see it as their duty to fix your problems or financially look after your kids.

"My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics."

To be honest, you sound like you do want a hand out. It would not make my Christmas enjoyable if a family member was going on and on about being poor and hinting that they wanted a hand out and that their kids were suffering whenever we were with them, and we had next to nothing in common except for being related.

You also sound jealous, which is understandable. But your husband doesn't work, so naturally you are going to struggle financially, and your kids are not their responsibility. You are in an unfortunate set of circumstances, but it's not their doing.

Short of them actually giving you money, which they obviously don't want to do, it sounds like they can't really help you.

I have family members like this and it's awful when you want to help but they don't take that leap forward. One example, I set a job through close friend where family member didn't even bother attending the interview. The job was guaranteed with great prospects which left me mortified with embarrassment toward my friend having to explain why family didn't attend interview.

Same family members who have lived with poor mental health for decades but never seek help despite df physically arranging and taking them to therapy/doctors and still to this day they refuse to seek any help. Many advice given throughout the years with physically accompanying them but none followed through. You can't help people if they can't help themselves. The saying goes "give a man a fish, you feed them for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed them for a lifetime". After a while, they continue to moan about their misfortunes how no one helps them despite trying to teach them how to fish then comes a time where you start distancing yourself because giving them a fish a day doesn't solve the root cause of the problems and it mentally, physically and financially drains you.

Are your family in your home country, OP? Easier to maintain a ‘compassionate stance’ for ten years when at a distance.

Bluntly, you as a family can’t afford private therapy because you’re raising children on a single income. Your DH needs to medicate enough to hold down even the crappiest, most PT job in order to fund his own therapy. And I don’t think being the go to person for his parents’ care is unreasonable if he’s not working.

I can’t help noticing that the two things you specifically mention as contributing to his low mental state are having children and being the go to person for his parents. You say he’s been depressed since you married ten years ago — yet having a child was a choice, and certainly having more than one, given its effect on his MH, and that he remains unable to support his children, was a choice that is difficult to understand.

It sounds to me as if you’re projecting your (understandable) inner resentment of your DH onto your SILs. Your DH can’t help being ill, but in refusing to access treatment, he’s condemning you and your children to a life of poverty, frequent house moves, and insecurity.

Op it sounds like they gave you decent advice though? Deep down did you want a handout? It may look like they do t want you involved in Christmas but eg the years we had nothing and in laws wanted to go to fairs they went on without us because they knew a Christmas fair with nothing is miserable. Same with Santa visits etc. so it might look like they’re excluding you but they may just be trying to watch your feelings

Your Hs family have no sympathy with him or you and don't want your problems in their lives. Their reactions suggest they believe he is malingering and that you are trying to tap them for financial support and they are giving you clear messages they will not get involved. You need to write them off OP because this sort of attitude runs deep in people and will never change. The only way they would treat you as one of them is if they viewed you as like them so if you were happy, successful and low maintenance. There to add to the fun, but not to the burden. You sound like you're battling very difficult circumstances and your loyalty to your H is impressive. I hope you have friends and family of your own who are able to support you and that your circumstances improve.

It sounds like you have a lot of excuses for him. People who are resistant to all anti-depressants are offered other therapies. Why haven't both of you advocated for them? Is he actually resistant to every medication available?

He can get a job at a supermarket, fast food or a pub. I'm sorry but I've never met anyone who hasn't been able to get a job in 10 years. BS.

If your husband had a physical illness he’d go to the doctor for medication, wouldn’t he? He’d then follow the doctor’s advice which might be seeing a specialist, attending physiotherapy, joining a support group for people with a similar or same illness? So why isn’t he doing the same for his mental ill health?
I get that he’d need help with that, more difficult for him to self start but that’s where you come in and you have to be firm, assertive to get the ball rolling. Make the appointment and drive him there.
His illness is affecting your life and your children’s detrimentally so I think the only solution is to make him get help.

You say he's the go to person for his parents care OP. How much care is he providing?

@Princessfluffy i did not know that.
OP. Here’s a link https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/#:~:text=You%20can%20refer%20yourself%20directly,or%20as%20an%20online%20course.

This exactly.
He sounds like an absolute burden.
If my partner hadn’t worked for ten years and refused to take medication to make themselves better , I would leave them.
What does he actually bring to the relationship ?
As others have said , if it was a physical ailment he would take medication.
Is he self medicating in other ways ? Smoking weed etc ? As you mentioned his sisters advice was to take prescribed medication? Just made me think was he taking non prescribed illegal drugs the way you stated in your post ?