To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

Agree with this. Was he given an easier ride as a child while they had to earn respect. They do not owe him a living and are just being practical, possibly out of sheer exasperation, rather than wanting your dc to suffer. In fact I would suggest the reverse. If he has been like this for 10+ years what support has he sought? Why avoid meds or counselling which may help, presumably you wouldn't not plaster a broken arm ? Do you work?

Possibly, but we don't actually know - I did write it was a "bit" of an assumption. In any case, OP did marry him 10 years ago and has had children with him (whenever they were born) so telling her now that she shouldn't have is hardly a helpful comment.

Another thoughtful and insightful post, which I'm sure OP will find very helpful. Thanks for sharing and giving @Smama44 some hope that there is a way forward. 🤗xx

Alongside lots of insightful comments, there’s also an element of patriarchy in all of this. Was your husband never made to take responsibility for himself? I bet that wasn’t afforded to his sisters. Sisters are often made to feel responsible for their brothers.

Im your sil in this situation. My brother has struggled with depression and has used his mental health to explain his behaviour for decades. It gets to the point where you just have to take a step back for your own health and sanity.

So tell me the tests that are performed to prove the chemical imbalance? How it is performed on someone when they go for a diagnosis? What chemicals are they specifically measuring? Are they high? Low? What it the normal 'balance'? What units of measurements are they measured in? ml? cl? How often are they re-checked? How many mg of meds are needed per unit of measurement to make them balance?

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915324000386

https://joannamoncrieff.com/2022/07/24/how-to-take-the-news-that-depression-has-not-been-shown-to-be-caused-by-a-chemical-imbalance/

@schmeler You have already been told that’s not how a most pharmacology works. 99% of the time, even if things can be quantified, it’s not how pharmacology and prescribing works due to great inter and intra variation of patient response - that is you can have 5 patients all with the same ‘level’ or lack thereof but they will rarely respond in the exact same way to the same dose, some may need double the amount to have a physiological effect and some half. So, in that situation you could have 5 different doses to enable the same clinical effect. Keep in mind though, even though you would have 5 ‘identical’ patients per a chem/bio screen, there clinical presentation would likely have been quite different initially also.

You seem to think all of this works in some manner that just doesn’t exist. Another easy analogy, per poisoning, you could take blood levels and you could have two people with identical blood levels, but typically they would need a different amount of antidote to have the same effect. Thats because we are biological organisms and none of this is black/white or works by the sort of maths that you assume it does. Antidepressants are no different.

You have also linked junk science articles. Could you please provide peer reviewed journal articles to support your claims that antidepressants don’t work/are not suitable for depression as this is really dangerous and needs to be supported if you are putting this forward. An explanation of why this is not aligned with global clinical guidelines will also be appreciated.

OP I do feel for you,
If you are in UK therapy is available through IAPT services xx they often have free self help programs you can log on whilst on the waiting list :)
Behavioural activation is something he could do himself using free online resources.
There's so much out there to try :)