To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

So the meds did nothing you just took them for no reason? Odd that! Like taking paracetamol for no reason...pointless.

I completely agree! He’s clearly very unwell. If he shouldn’t be on medication, then who should?

You are deliberately being obtuse.

The meds absolutely did something but they didn't zombify me. Hope that helps your poor comprehension skills.

Many people live and work with depression. It’s easy to say I can’t work, but that comes with repercussions. Your SIL are having expensive house renovations because both husband and wife work. I work with a serious health condition, because if I didn’t, my children would have a poor quality of life. If your DC have a poor quality of life, that’s on you guys as parents. Not on the SIL’s who probably work really hard for what they have. Why should they give their hard earned cash to their brother who hasn’t worked in 10yrs? Your DH needs to be doing all he can to get back into work. Work and a routine can be good for people who suffer with depression. If he genuinely cannot work then he needs to be ensuring he is seeing the right medical specialists to see if medication or treatment can change things. But if your DC can’t have the things you think they deserve its on you guys as parents, not his siblings

This is not the responsibility for sil and her family to solve. You mention children going without at Christmas and sils wealth as if this is the solution. It isn't, the problem is yours and your husbands to solve. Do you work and help with sorting finances to ensure you are budgeting? Are you trying to work out what you can do to move your husband into being of greater use? Your sil will have limited advice if she hasn't experienced this herself.

What are you doing to resolve this issue and support your family / husbands mental health - batting back sils advise in such a no it all way isn't endearing.

They can offer the stability needed to be able to take the steps to address the underlying causes. They won’t usually help much for situational depression but they can stop you feeling as if all you can do is stare at the wall.

When you have depression you can’t use that as an excuse to just not work. I have had depression like others posting here and you take responsibility and get help. Meds, therapy etc, there are options. Then you get yourself up and work. It is so hard obviously, but many people with depression manage to provide for their family in some way. If he’s too ill to work genuinely he needs to be see doctors and claiming all the benefits he’s entitled to.

Don't think hubby wants to work and thus won't go on meds.

@schmeler The chemical imbalance theory was debunked decades ago! There is no testing for chemical levels, you would assume if there was you'd have a physical test to see if it was high or low and your dosage matched accordingly like diabetes. No one gets chemical tested, no one says which chemicals, what units they are measured in, if they are high or low nor repeat measurements to monitor...it doesn't exist. There is always a root cause....with assisting with functionality you mean zombify them so you can pretend something is being done? They do not do anything...apart from make pharmacists rich

What a load of bunkum. I take it you got all of that from some anti-medicine articles. It would be great if you linked some reputable medical journal articles to back all of that up please.

Your whole understanding of chemical imbalances and having to physically test and match doses is so far off base. What about ADHD meds, or 101 other things, where there are imbalances and no physical testing and dose matching? You seem to think all medicines work like diabetes meds, which is not the case. Do you have a thorough understanding of how different medicines actually work, or just what you read in some ‘anti’ articles?

Antidepressants shouldn’t ‘zombify’ people. If they do then it’s a complete mismatch in terms of medicine and/or dose with the patient. Not all medicines suit all people, and that is true also of antidepressants. You need to find a right fit for the patient. The only time ‘zombifying’ is justified is highly psychotic people who are an immediate threat to themselves and/or others and you certainly don’t use antidepressants for that!

I also very highly doubt pharmacists are getting fat on antidepressants🤣. Most are too old for them to make much money off I’d think, lots of other things that would make them more money. Besides, I don’t even know how that would work unless you think prescribing Dr’s are in league with pharmacists and somehow splitting (suspected minimal) profit. It’s not really realistic.

Again, please link some reputable references for your claims as they are quite dangerous. Pretty akin to anti-vax really. I’m happy to share lots of reputable references on any meds or medical conditions as everything is publicly available, not just to medical folk.

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things

As PP have said, my initial thoughts are that your husband is not doing all he can to improve the situation. It sounds as if you are glossing over some poor choices around family planning “and other things”- what things?? and that he has essentially chosen not to work, blaming his mental health.

Before anyone accuses me of anything, I myself had a major depressive disorder a few years back, and have had other mental health struggles as well. I still kept things going- even though I had to leave my teaching job, i got myself out for walks, I did exercise, I found other work and looked after my dc- even though all I wanted was to stare at the wall. The husband in the scenario here doesn’t (from the OP) seem to have done anything to improve his/their situation and it’s all on the OP, who cannot do enough by herself.

I would also be applying for PIP if he really can’t work, and getting us on the housing list. What else could the SILs suggest?

I doubt for a second your SIL want their brother and his family to suffer, unless there’s some massive backstory. I’m sorry you’re not having an easier time.

It seems like you don’t speak very nicely about them, and if you act the same way when you’re contacting them then maybe they just want limited involvement? Calling people frivolous, while claiming that because they’re wealthy they shouldn’t want your children to be without, and then criticising their advice doesn’t endear anyone to want to be around you.

What did they medically do for you? Explain how something that isn't biological was helped with something chemical?

So they do zombify? Thank you for the recognition they do not treat the depression as meds can't do that. They literally put you into a zomby like state and then ppl can pretend they've helped you.

In my situation I feel quite fortunate to know its absolutely not my relatives fault.
And it's pain I can't imagine living through daily.
I also don't blame them for "not getting help" no see this is them not helping themselves.
Part of mental illness is often multi facitated reasons why they CANT actually get help,seek help,feel worthy or anything cam be done.
That they are so helpless,hopeless it takes them everything to get throguh the day. Never mind anything else.
I will eb there all I can. It won't ever be enoguh.
But I never judge or blame them for their illness. I just cannot imagine living with such bleak darkness in your mind. A.kind trying to destroy you to the point you'd rather die. Shit. That my family. That.how bad someone I love feels abiut themselves and their pain. That breaks my heart. And so I will wait, or I will sit with. And I know I KNOW THAT IF THERE WAS ANY WAY THEY COULD SEEL HELP THEY WOULD! why the fuck wouldn't they? Who would choose to stay in so much pain.
I'm glad we all learnt that in my family. And that it was never " what are you doing to get help, what are they doing to get better,seek meds,seek therapy." As they would. I know them. I know how they love us, love me. And so know with all my heart this isn't a choice. And they'd get rid, choose different, be better this instant if they could. Therefore something else bigger than we all see is going on, meaning a symtom of this illness can be the inability to get help. For all sorts of reasons.

I also know it's hard on both sides when we have had to do something or stepped away to save ourselves in order to keep being there for them. That can feel rejecting or unhelpful. Deep down on the better days we know they know why we've had to do that. Even if it can feel really hard to do so on both sides, especially to them to think we aren't there.

I agree with your SIL. Why should she help someone who won't help their self? If he's been so depressed he can't work for a decade and hadn't even tried medication then what do you expect them to do?

There are many out there. I can link you to some when I get home from work tonight if you don't know how to use Google! There was a study about 2 years ago which reviewed all and said there is no evidence at all for the chemical imbalance theory. Also the creators of the DSM V admitted there are no biological markers.

There are many if you care to research and not blindly accept what ppl say on the Internet!

Ten years like this and dh has not gone down the option of prescription drugs in an effort to help support his family.
you have a dh problem not a sil problem.

therapy and meds are the combination he needs and he won’t get that sitting at home, he needs to reach out. I say this as someone who had terrible depression years ago and went through it. I have kids and I work.

I am sad for your situation but this does sort of feel that you were reaching out expecting a potential hand out.

Your husband is on some level making a choice that the children will go without if he isn't making behavioural changes and trying any treatment for his depression. It isn't his sister's responsibility.

They gave practical advice, yes the housing isn't easy but making sure you're on all any potential lists is worth it. Treating depression is a good idea especially if it's preventing work. I think they are trying to help you to help yourselves which is more loving than colluding with a situation that keeps you all stuck.

I hope life changes for you all and your husband finds work that fulfills and restores him a bit,

What help do you think he should receive?
If he gets off his backside and goes to the GP he may well begin to get help.
No-one is going to walk into his house and hand him medication/money etc. He has to actually go and get help.

That’s not what I said at all. Have another read of what I actually wrote.

Why are you so obsessed with ADs anyway? It’s not even helpful at this point In the thread.

Bollocks

In what way do you think she wants you to suffer?

What were you expecting her to do or help with? Sometimes it's far better to just ask what you want, rather than offload a bunch of stuff and expect someone to read your mind

Hardly surprising OP hasn't been back. Her whole post screams victim mentality. Some people just cannot see they are responsible for their own lives, and think whatever shit they're in, it's the fault of someone else.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if my partner had done nothing to help themselves after 10 years. Right now I would have been choosing me and living life now and telling him where the door is. It's a very different situation if someone is doing all they can to get better but when they do absolutely nothing- that's on them!

In a way I have been on both sides of this. My own dysfunctional parents pushed me out with their dysfunctional behavior which I had also endured growing up (it was very bad) with them so I distanced myself from them because it is not possible to have any form of healthy relationships in that group of people. So me and “my problems” were held at arms length there.

But we also have a sister in law who has significant ongoing problems from her experiences that we hold at arms length and she feels a lot of resentment about that. In some ways her situation is similar to my own situation as DH’s family is extremely dysfunctional too. For years I supported her emotionally as best as I possibly could however it got to a point where it became clear that she was never going to take her own agency in her own situation, she just vented off non stop but she was playing her own part in the dysfunctional behaviour and she continues with the same patterns of behaviour herself within her family to this day. She is absolutely not responsible for the dysfunction dynamics but as an adult she is responsible for her own life and having been in a similar situation I know absolutely that the person involved has to change themselves rather than expecting others to fix their situation.

Your DH is not helping himself, you sound like you are passively going along with that which enables his behaviour, you are at some level holding his sisters responsible for your husband's inability to take responsibility for his own illness - they are not responsible for it. You have more choices and agency in the situation than you realise. I think you yourself would benefit from counselling because of your husband refuses to change then you need to make changes to improve your own circumstances.