To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

Council housing is NOT free. I repeat, council housing is NOT free and neither is any type of Social Housing. Hth

I've been in a similar position but DH couldn't work because he has a hand problem in his dominant hand and it's really difficult to work if you can use your hand.

He spent a lot of time with the kids so I could work ( they were older so didn't need hands on as it were)

If he hasn't tried meds it's worth a go I've been on antidepressants for years now and function very well but if I forget to take them then I start spiralling downwards

I'm sorry but. If you wanted to support your children then leave him.

Seeing their dad like this every day not working and being depressed isn't good for THEIR mental wellbeing at all.

He doesn't even sound like he wants to change. NHS have mental health support plus there are charities. He's not interested on going on prescription drugs. He's not trying it interested in getting better.

The only person who can help him is HIM!

Im also talking from experience with a husband who has break downs so bad he can't even get out of bed sometimes. He's trying prescription drugs and is in counselling to try and get better because he actually WANTS TO BE A FATHER

I once heard a comedian say something like: 'When I was starting out, I used to drive a terrible old car and it would keep breaking down by the side of the road. And if I got out and pushed, people would stop and help me; but if I just stood helplessly by, no one would stop. They responded to seeing me trying to help myself.'

I think he hit on something really true there.

I appreciate you are going through an incredibly difficult time, but how much help do they need to give before he helps himself? You seem to have wrote them off as a bunch of snobs, but you may actually be way off base.

I've got a close family member who sounds similar to you, she resents other people having things because she doesn't have them, she's told me time and time again how jealous she is of X,Y and Z and how it makes her not want to be around them?!.. a lot of which are idealised versions of peoples situations which she has constructed in her mind, and normally quite far from the actual truth if she bothered to find out, it's just that some people hide their problems better than others.

But you know what, it really hampers celebrations like Christmas, because instead of all coming together to enjoy each others company, and talk freely about life, she can't because if anyone was to talk about anything they are doing, like holidays or getting a promotion or buying pretty much anything, she just can't bring herself to be happy for them, or even just pretend for their sake, instead she get's funny and won't engage with anyone about anything, you have to try and cajole her into a conversation, it's bloody exhausting to be honest, it makes it awkward to even talk about anything and you find yourself being incredibly careful about what you do say so you don't cause 'offence' and set off the silent treatment.

She would probably accuse other family members of being snobs and not including her because she doesn't have what they have, but the truth is it's the opposite way round, her perception and jealousy of other people really limit her socially, and then people stop trying because it's so incredibly difficult to have a relationship with someone like that. I've been through some really tough times in my life, but I would never begrudge someone something just because my circumstances are different to theirs.

There's a point in life where no one can do anything if the person in question isn't willing to help themselves. He needs to try other antidepressants and seek therapy via the nhs.

you do reason depression is also biological?

I'm the sil also

Look it's very hard op but you don't know what struggles they have but they are dealing with them in a different way.

My sibling is like your partner only worse to the point I had to step back because her lifestyle choices are causing an awful lot of her issues and her partner continues to enable it and it gets really draining.

So rather than feel bitter towards them maybe put that energy into being more pro active. Get your partner to be more pro active.

You don't want your dc growing up in a negative sultry home where the adults aren't making steps to get out of the situation.

Change your mindset and I totally get it it's hard living with someone or around someone that's so negative and depressed and it can rub off but you can change that

Your sisters in law have known your husband for longer than you have, so presumably they are better placed to have a view on how much sympathy he deserves.

To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

Why do you believe your SILs want to see you suffer?
Why do you think that they are to blame for the situation you find yourself in?

I agree, I’ve been on anti-anxiety antidepressants, and mood stabilisers since I was 15 and I’m now 28. The dosages have gone up and down, but generally I probably wouldn’t have been able to survive without them. Theres no shame in taking meds, a lot of the time people only use them short term anyway. I’ve managed to have a very successful career, 2 children etc due to them, with only minor side effects, so don’t let him be put off.

How do you know that they don't have stressful lives themselves? Are they working full time.
People can only look after themselves. Especially when working full time.

I have a depressed brother who doesn't work at all. He rings me late at night wanting support, and I tell him that I can't help him as I have to get up at 6am to go to work. I tell him that he needs to talk to his support worker.

Your partner is not his sisters responsibility

Your problem is DH.The thing is, it's been 10 years. It's really not acceptable for someone claiming to be too depressed to work and support his family to not do everything he can to get better i.e. seek medical help and medication. Your SILs maybe know him better than you do. It's not their job to enable him. I think you're looking for blame elsewhere because it's hard to accept your DH is not doing his part.

As the sister in this situation (I have a depressed brother),

It is not the sisters responsibility to look after their brother.

I tried to help my adult mentally ill brother, until I nearly had a breakdown myself.

People pointed out to me that I need to look after myself. And it's the mental health professionals that need to look after him

We are all assuming he actually does have depression, the fact he refuses to see health care professionals maybe because he is a lazy git that has not developed a work ethic. Something those SILs are very probably aware of. OP has not come back, no surprise there, but I do hope she is reading these posts and having a long hard tjink about what is best for her and her family's future.

.

@Smama44 You mention that your family is supportive through this hopefully, "phase". A phase doesn't last for over a decade.

I have had major depression during my life and take medicine for it. Unless your DH is willing to help himself, he will continue to bring you and your children down the well with him.

I am betting his mood has not helped him with getting a job either.

You need to think about your children and yourself and whether you all want to go down with the ship if your DH doesn't seek help. Sometimes, you see people who are content to be mentally or physically unwell, as it helps them avoid the realities of life and living. Don't let your DH be content.

OP, you poor women.
Selfish man who refuses to help himself.
So you and your children suffer.
Can you move home without him?
If you can do it.
His selfishness has dragged you down.

I don't think I could handle having children with someone who was always depressed to the point they are unable to work or contribute effectively to the household.

Maybe they are tired of trying to support him & it's not their fault he is refusing to take anti depressants.

You need to get into council house if at all possible. It would mean a more stable housing situation for the family.

I feel for you though as it sounds like you are trying to work, run the house & look after the children. Some moral & practical support would be nice.

I strongly recommend that you post on the mental health section about the details of your DH’s struggles, especially with medication.

There are many different categories of drugs that can be used as anti depressants and within some of these categories there are multiple options. They differ considerably and they need an extended period to start to work, some get worse before they get better. Also a single drug might work for you at one point and cause a bad reaction another time, so it can be worth trying one again. Is it also possible that your husband may have symptoms that are mistaken for depression but actually stem from ADD or similar.

Has he ever been referred to a mental health team? If so when? In the last ten years he should have come to the top of someone’s list!

@Smama44 "what I wanted was for them to speak with him for encouragement or advice and just dissolve the frostiness as it was adding to his mood. I'd appreciate a more friendly relationship too, I do feel isolated from people in general, so just a casual chat occasionally would be greatly appreciated."

I would reply to them with more or less the above, and explain to them that you weren't seeking financial help from them. They probably assumed you were.

Also OP, does he still have stress related to care of his parents? How would it be for his parents if he were assertive about this and basically told his sisters that due to his mental health and priorities in supporting his immediate family, he simply will not be doing it?

I was wondering if there was an element if cock-lodger-y also, but didn’t want to undermine the effects of depression.

It may also be helpful to share details of his physical health, what kind of jobs he has tried for and where you are eg rural/city. Would a temporary contract be less stressful for him eg. retail or bar work over Christmas period? So he has an end in sight. Could he do Uber?

What are you on about? Presumably you've never taken AD's before. I did after PND and I felt energised, proactive and more positive within weeks.

How should I have dealt with the 'root cause' of PND?