To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

Im struggling to see what you want from your SILs here, if it’s not (as you say) a handout.

How are you expecting them to spend Christmas with you if you can’t afford to contribute anything? Are you expecting them to pay for it all?

And what does a “desire” that your children don’t “go without” look like realistically if it’s not, again, them buying stuff for your children?

Why shouldn’t they be allowed to talk about topics like home renovations if that’s what’s on their mind? Or do you just expect them to dole out sympathy about your finances the whole time?

Im sorry but it sounds like they’re fed up with your negativity and exepectations.

I think you are in danger of becoming a victim of a situation that you have helped to create. In the sense that you are essentially enabling your husband to continue to exist in this situation. You seem to be making all the effort and taking on all the responsibility to keep things going, but you are also paying a price and it's obviously taking it's toll. And are your children really benefitting from your sacrifice? Is your husband really benefitting? Who does keeping this situation going actually benefit in your family? At what cost and is it worth it?

Your husband is ill. It's really hard to help someone who is not ready to help themselves. Some kind of intervention is probably well overdue to try encourage your husband to seek and accept some help. That kind of thing might be something your SIL's could help support you with, but it's not your SIL's place to take the action for you.

They could support any actions you decide to implement in order to get your husband to accept some help, but let's be clear, you would need to be asking for their support for a very specific action to achieve a very defined outcome. You also in reality do need professional support to help stage any kind of successful intervention and that does come at a price - but if you talk to SIL's they might support paying for something like this? And that really would be them investing in your family and children's future. But it's still their choice and they may have many reasons for not wanting to be involved.

I think it's unfair to suggest they want to see you suffer, but I can sympathise with your frustration. But they see you sacrificing your children's happiness to allow your husband to keep living the way he does. Why should they be the ones worried your children might be missing out?

It's a tough reality to face, but in allowing your husband to keep getting by, you are not doing him any favours, and you are sacrificing your own health/happiness and potentially your children's too.

It's time to change the outlook at least for yourself and your children, and if with support your husband chooses to be part of that change then that's great, but if not you need to accept you have done all you can and make the best decisions for you and your children.

You say you're from a foreign background... does it happen to be a culture where there is an expectation for family to help each other out financially? I ask because this is very much the case in my culture, and it took me some time to realise that British families have much stronger boundaries around giving/lending each other money. For example, when I first arrived I was shocked to find out that my English friend's parents were making her pay rent, but I now understand that this is perfectly normal here.

Obviously families do help each other out in the UK as well, but money is not automatically considered part of a "communal" pot in the same way it is back home.

If this applies to you, maybe understanding and accepting this difference will help you move on?

FWIW, if they refuse to just talk to him, I understand why you'd be upset. But from your post, I have the feeling there was the expectation of monetary support?

Why? What good do they do? They do not deal with the root cause of the depression. They do not deal with anything related to the depression at all.

They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing

That all sounds sensible. What did you want them to say?

If your DH is not on prescription medicine to assist his depression, why not? It would not be acceptable to not be able to consistently work for 10 years due to depression but not have tried to do anything to enable you to, and properly support your family. Why have you accepted this?

Why is getting on a council housing list a bad idea?

Struggling to see what you want your relatives to say/do when your DH seems to be doing nothing to change the situation and you seem accepting of it. They are likely flummoxed by this situation.

I think my response is going to come across as quite callous, however, it’s genuinely not designed to be hurtful.

I highly doubt your SILs want to see you suffer. I doubt you, your husband or children are even on their mind that much.
Why should they take on your problems, on top of their own? Why is it their responsibility to provide your family with things that you and your DH are failing to do?
10 years of barely working and depression sounds terrible - but what has he tried to do to fix this? Has he tried medication? Has he seen a therapist? Has he changed his diet/sleep/exercise/hobby or is he just wallowing and letting the world pass him by? (And I say that as someone with diagnosed major depression that is well managed)

Your SILs work more, thus have more money and can give their children more. By mentioning their financial status it seems evident that you do want them to provide for you, despite saying you don’t want handouts.

You reached out to SILs, who are not experts in mental health or your husbands treating doctor, for advice… which they gave to you. What did you actually want them to do or say?

It seems like you’re having a really hard time but it also seems like you’re becoming resentful of the wrong people - you can resent your husband for not managing his health and not contributing to the family in a way that is needed. You can resent yourself for enabling your husband and staying in this situation. There is no one else responsible or to blame for how your life has turned out.

@schmeler Why? What good do they do? They do not deal with the root cause of the depression. They do not deal with anything related to the depression at all

As to whether they deal with the root cause, depends on the root cause. Sometimes the root cause is simply chemical imbalance, nothing more, and they can assist in correcting this. If there is another root cause, no they won’t fix the root cause but they can provide a level of symptom control to a) assist in functionality and b) allow people to be in more of a space to try and address the root cause.

To say antidepressants do not deal with anything related to depression is so false.

It’s tough OP, I struggled with my mental health and cycled through various drugs to help me work because I didn’t have a choice. Not working was not an option so I gritted my teeth and got on with it. Your husband needs to get help and get functional. It was very easy to not care about myself but it started hurting my husband and thats what prompted me to try to get on top of it.

I think your in-laws don’t want to get into the situation of financially supporting your family. If you call to basically say “we are skint” it’s going to feel like you are asking for money. It’s different if someone is in a one off bind.

Your problem isn’t your SIL’s it’s your husband.

The chemical imbalance theory was debunked decades ago! There is no testing for chemical levels, you would assume if there was you'd have a physical test to see if it was high or low and your dosage matched accordingly like diabetes. No one gets chemical tested, no one says which chemicals, what units they are measured in, if they are high or low nor repeat measurements to monitor...it doesn't exist.

There is always a root cause....with assisting with functionality you mean zombify them so you can pretend something is being done?

They do not do anything...apart from make pharmacists rich!

Basically all this OP.

If your husband is too depressed to work why isn't he on prescription medication.

Are they even wealthy or you call them that because they are better off than you? If their brother doesn't want to help himself why should they.

"not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all."

what does this actually mean? how much is to do with his depression (which i agree with others he needs to seek help for), what is his bad luck? how do you get over consumed with having kids? are you actually working?

I think they are trying to be supportive but distance themselves - i also think you are being disingenious in saying you don't want money

Why? Because they would at least allow him to function in a workplace and get his family out of the poverty @Smama44 is complaining about. That's a good enough reason to start with. Potentially too it would get him out of his depression enough to then be able to tackle the root causes.

So you have a husband (and yourself) who have prioritised continuing to have children with no financial security, and poor mental health on the part of your husband. You don't work enough/ get paid enough to adequately support the family as a single income family, and you have a precarious renting situation. What did you want from your SIL, in all honesty? Because her suggestions don't sound unreasonable, but maybe you need to talk to her with a goal you want to discuss?

As the person on the other side of a similar situation, it is incredibly difficult and honestly a bit frustrating to observe this and not question how it can be like this for such a long time.
It’s not a lack of caring, or feeling better than you. But it’s hard to know how to help (other than money, but not sure if that’s what you’d hoped for). In my case, any practical help has been met with resistance so it feels like they’ve chosen to just accept that life.

I'm sorry about your difficulties however also not really sure what you expected them to do for you.

Which you can do without zombifying someone with drugs that do nothing. You can't get someone out of their depression and then deal with the root cause...if the cause is not dealt with then the responses will still be there. Seems that ppl have ignored his issues for 10 years and no one is helping what is hurting him....just ignoring him.

You have a DH problem. This has nothing to with your SIL, you brought children into the world that your husband has failed to support - why should other family members step up to fulfil his role?
They have given you the standard suggestions (anti depressants, council housing etc) so perhaps you need to take the hint, they have distanced themselves from your DH as they can see just how much financial support they could end up providing.
I also think you are not being genuine when you protest that you don't want a hand out, you mentioned they are wealthy, what exactly do you want from them if not money?

What has your DH done to look after himself? His health is the issue, not your SiLs’ behaviour.

But what is he doing about it himself?,

I presume the children you both agreed to have are over 10 and were not deliberately born into this sewing you are complaining they to do without which means you do want money OT gifts?

Your capacity to earn more would help financially

Sorry but your dh is the problem, not your sil. What has your dh done to change the situation? Why are you still with him? What impact does this have on your kids?

You absolutely can. Because I did. And without being zombified as you rudely put it.

Shame on them if they have been asking for handouts for 10 years when they won't address their own issues themselves

I've been n a similar position with family.
They offered no support to myself and DH with our dc but resent us because we've been in continuous employment and saved hard while they have been imo quite reckless.
I refuse to take responsibility for their poor choices and it's only a family of the support goes both ways.

The only one at fault here is your husband. Loads of depressed people still go to work to provide for their family. Your husband hasn't sought therapy and antidepressants in the 10 years he's been out of work? Maybe his sisters are fed up with their brother and how he doesn't help himself. You're doing your best, but your husband needs to actually do something.

Op, are you saying that your DH has not been to the GP. for professional help with his depression? If he hasn't, then obviously he should. It won't solve everything immediately but it will set him on the right path.

They clearly think talking to him won't help. Remember they have known him longer than you. Has he refused to seek medical help before.

I think perhaps there is a cultural difference here. I doubt your sil wants to see you suffer but simply doesn't see what she can do. What do you want from them? You say not a handout but that's what it sounds like. Families in the UK seldom see finances between siblings as family money.

Has he applied for benefits? If your DH is so Ill he cannot work, then he should get some financial support. He needs to take some responsibility for himself, his health and his own children.

He needs someone to help him. He is struggling and no one is helping.