To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

It's not immediately obvious what they could've done to help the situation.

I've GAD and depression and it's easy to go into self isolation and withdrawal from life at the worst times but for the sake of self and family you have to seek help to help yourself anything other than that is selfish.
To go ten years without seeking that help is selfish and that's a helluva burden to put on a partner.

The OP has not responded. Im sure that this was not the response she was looking for,

A previous poster mentioned her foreign background and I suspect that the expectation for family to fill a more supportive, even financial role, in the OPs problems stems from this.

What exactly do you want from your sil?

Because a lot of people would struggle to not suggest ways of trying to improve a situation that has not changed in 10 years.

It can feel so hollow when someone comes to you with a big concern, especially one that is not new to you (you and your family have been in this situation for years) and respond with concern and sympathy and no advice.

You say you dont want a handout but maybe it came across a litttle bit like you did as you seem very tuned in to the differences in lifestyles that you have.

Jealousy is a vicious emotion and will eat you up.

It’s true that the “chemical imbalance” theory of how SSRIs work has been debunked. It was mostly invented as a marketing slogan anyway.

BUT that does NOT mean than antidepressants don’t work, it’s just that we don’t know how or have different theories of how they do it. They don’t work for everyone but they are the best tool we have for many people and if you’re unable to work and have been suffering for ten years, are definitely worth a try. And they certainly don’t “zombify” people. How weird to say that.

There are also other tools, like CBT and other talking therapies, and exercise, that can help massively with depression too either in conjunction with medication or as an alternative to it.

Your DH needs to see his GP and/or self-refer for talking therapies or whatever other help is available in your area. Depression can be helped but only by the person asking for it.

It does sound that way. Because let's say both SILs had said they were worried her children were going without, that would've made no positive difference at all. Might even have pissed OP off even more. If they'd said they didn't want her children to go without, given that OP and DH don't have any money, that would make no difference to the situation unless it was followed by action. She wants the money.

Saying you didn’t want a handout makes it seem like that probably is what you’re after. You wanted them to offer so you didn’t need to ask.

The advice you were given was sensible unless you can explain why it wasn’t.

What were you expecting your SILs to do?

It sounds like you just want them to buy stuff for you and your children. Assuming you live in the UK, your children will have what they need because we have a benefits system. It is no one else’s job to ensure they don’t ’go without’ except yours and your partners.

SILs were right to suggest anti depressants to a depressed person who isn’t on any. It is not their job to pay for you and your children.

I think you have a DH problem. In term of cultural expectation of support, generally in those cultures, it wouldn't be acceptable in those cultures not work. I am not trying to minimise depression - in poorer countries a person would be expected to get on with unless they had severe mental illness like psychosis.

I really don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like your husband has not done everything he could to help himself ie try medication (obviously correct me if I'm wrong) and as a result his children have suffered. This is probably frustrating to watch and why did you have multiple children with him if his mental health is this bad?

I'm not trying to be a bitch but from their point of view they probably don't see why they should give handouts when he doesn't help himself. You say you don't want a handout so what did tut want? If they did give you money it would only be temporary relief from a bigger problem and could potentially create awkwardness. And if they'd just said "Oh how awful" you'd probably be pissed off at that too.

BTW I have severe mental health issues myself but I know that whilst that might not be my fault, is is my responsibility - no one's going to come along and save me. I think you're annoyed with the wrong people here - you should be annoyed at your DH for creating children then allowing them to go without.

Agajn sorry if this sounds harsh.

Exactly

I think you misunderstand council houses. They are not free. They’re reduced rates for lower income families, but definitely not free.
What did you actually want them to do after you reached out? It does sound like you were after some sort of financial help.
To be fair to them, it’s not their place to support your children financially, it sounds a bit entitled to say you feel they should be concerned your children don’t go without. That’s yours and Dogs job, nobody else’s. Why would your DH plan a wedding and plan to have children if he was “too depressed to work”? This doesn’t make any sense.
OP, I know he’s your husband and you love him, but I wouldn’t put up with someone not working and not seeking help for 10 years. I’d leave him and be better off. He clearly does not want to work

This is the case in my family and after years of enduring my DBs mental health issues, supporting him, everything on his terms etc, I am worn out.

My DM keeps banging on about how ‘family is everything’ but what she means is that we need to do everything for this brother and it does seep into my families life and it does compromise our peace of mind and I’ve frankly had enough of that

@schmeler There are many out there. I can link you to some when I get home from work tonight if you don't know how to use Google! There was a study about 2 years ago which reviewed all and said there is no evidence at all for the chemical imbalance theory. Also the creators of the DSM V admitted there are no biological markers. There are many if you care to research and not blindly accept what ppl say on the Internet

Thanks, that would be great. Look forward to it. I do know how to use Google, I also know how to use medical journals etc and I do know how to research correctly (in fact I have medical postgrad quals accordingly that are relevant to this), and I most certainly don’t go from random crap on the Internet.

Is there a reason your DH is not on medication?

As for the other suggestions: I understand how the thoughtless of that advice might be perceived as cruelty.
But it honestly sounds like a lack of life experiences / thoughtlessness.

You have been in an insanely difficult situation and you must be exhausted. But will you feel better if you assume malice on their part? If you think your SILs cruel?

I personally find Hanlon‘s razor extremely helpful in my professional and private life.

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.“ Of thoughtlessness, laziness, ignorance…

He's had such bad mental health that he's not worked for a decade. And yet during that time it sounds like you had multiple children.

And he's not on medication?

Surely he should be doing everything he can to try and manage his condition.

Their advice was really sensible and practical.

What did you want from them?

Dear friends nephew is unmedicated and self medicated with drugs. He won’t be helped. It is part of his condition and family have stepped back as giving handouts just enables his selfish and self destructive behaviours. They can’t do it anymore. So basic needs are met but beyond that he is on his own. And they have tried for years to influence his life. He’s been sectioned more than once. His mental health has been untreated and maltreated as his insistence since his early twenties.he can’t help himself and no one else can either.

If you don't want a handout from them, and they gave you what was actually sensible advice, what is it you feel they should have done that they didn't do? What words would you have liked to hear from them?
Maybe their sensible advice was them showing they care?

Personally, I think they don't want to see you suffer but it's not their responsibility. And you seem to think that their lifestyle is frivolous. Which actually they have worked hard for. They are probably frustrated that your husband is not doing anything to help himself and your family.

You need to stop looking through the window and start looking to get support for you and your husband.

He's been depressed and not working for nearly a decade and hasn't even tried prescription drugs?
Unfortunately how do either of you expect him to get any better if he doesn't at least try to help himself? They aren't being snobby they are actually trying to help.

I am so appreciative of all your responses which are so perceptive and help me understand their side of it.

Without replying to each one I can add a few responses to your questions, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned their situation and it was more just to give background but what I wanted was for them to speak with him for encouragement or advice and just dissolve the frostiness as it was adding to his mood. I'd appreciate a more friendly relationship too, I do feel isolated from people in general, so just a casual chat occasionally would be greatly appreciated. Yes I know this means they have to give their time and it can be draining.

At a certain point he became the go to person to step in for his parents' care, which made his mental state profoundly worse.

When he did finally get a job for a couple years he was made redundant and despite applying, and interviewing many times nothing has come through since.

Definitely therapy of some sort is desperately needed but we can't afford it and he is resistant to anti depressants which he has tried. I wish I knew how to change the situation, I have tried tirelessly and will continue to do so for the sake of my children. I definitely don't want to enable.

And yes perhaps I did grow up with a slightly different sense of family, and my family has maintained a more compassionate stance through what I hope is a phase.

Thanks again for all your thoughtful answers.

No mental health isn't just on private care, yes NHS takes a while to get seen but why haven't you taken him to the GP for his mental health? Sorry but you're making excuses.

It's really tough to struggle with life like this and to feel like your family don't understand and don't support you.

There are a lot of different anti depressants and he may find that the first one (or two..) he tries do not work for him.

If he goes back to his GP they will have alternatives.

In addition, in England he can self refer for nhs therapy which is free.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/