To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

[Smama44]

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things. I've worked but it's not enough at all.

As a result life has been pretty difficult for us and we've had to make do without many things as well as suffer too many house/ flat moves. My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics.

In a desperate moment I reached out to them to talk to my DH because he was very low and I explained our situation. They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

They seem to think we deserve what we're getting, have no sympathy towards their brothers' mental state and also very snobby towards me and my foreign/lower class background.

AIBU to be hurt ?

Have you tried to see if there is an Andy’s man club near you? They run support sessions solely for men. Give him the opportunity to make some friends, share stories etc

I'm so sorry you're struggling. My DH has a family member who struggles with his mental health and this has had a similar financial and emotional impact on his family. In all honesty I've found it quite frustrating to continue to sympathise as he too is reluctant to try medication.

Without properly trying (I.e multiple different prescriptions for the appropriate time frame), it feels like he's not trying to help himself. Obviously no one can make him do anything, but it's hard to watch. Maybe his sisters feel like this too?

You are clearly at your witts end. However you need to think if what's best for your children right now. If your husband is a depressive then he needs to learn how to cope better. Having people external to him try to coax him out of it, is not the way to go. He needs to decide he wants help. Why doesn't he like the medication?

Hey OP, you can find info here about low-cost therapy options across the UK: https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/organisations-offering-low-cost-psychotherapy/
Good luck x

I'm sorry OP. It does sound really hard.

I think your DH needs to step up a bit on prescription drugs or interventions to enable him to function effectively.

I can see that, if he was not working, it was easy to get the care put on him and that can be very draining and also unpaid.

Your DH needs now to see his job as getting better, or managing as best he can with what he can do. I don't think 10 years can be a phase and I do think you need to take your head out of the sand a bit and think about whether you are not taking steps in the hope that things will change suddenly - what can be done now? Your SILs are trying to encourage this mindset, probably because they don't know what else they can do but watch a sad situation. Maybe they would pitch in if there was a specific ask to help move you forward - "can you look after the kids for a day whilst we (move house/husband interviews etc)" or whatever, but maybe they feel they can't just nod along sympathetically forever.

@Smama44 Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle; Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer?
Your husbands preferred position seems to be the role of Victim, and that means he will fit with someone who feels comfortable playing the role of Rescuer. To complete the triangle, you would both need someone to play the role of a villain and that sounds like your SILs. Its a dynamic that's hard to leave because it feels right and comfortable. Its also hard to leave if its just you doing the work.
Its not usual to be so unwell that you can't work for a decade, to leave your partner struggling to support you, and not do anything about it. In your shoes I wouldn't be happy about that.

Ten years isn’t a phase.

I’m not sure what your SIL’s could effectively do. There is a family member like this on my side, although he doesn’t have a family. Nobody really knows what to say to him any more. He is angry we don’t have the same kind of life he does. But he also will not take AD’s as he doesn’t want to take drugs. He has an excuse for everything; anxiety, tiredness, can’t go outside due to fields being cut, can’t work due to pain in his leg.

There isn’t really anything left to say. The old adage is true; people really do need to want to help themselves.

You say you don't want what they have or any handouts, so what do you want? Sometimes if we just want someone to listen to us or someone we can vent to, maybe you're better off telling them that? Your SILs don't seem horrible or horrific people from what you've written, maybe if you actually tell them what you need or want, you may get it.

Lots of people don't know how to deal with depression. My adult son nearly 30 years old, has suffered probably since about the age of 10. It's absolutely heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. We don't want anyone we love "to be like this"....we all want our children and family to reach their full potential....and yet it's so frustrating to see someone you love not helping themselves or recognising/accessing the help, that they need.

Your SILs may be well aware of how your husband is, he may have been like this, long into his childhood. As horrible (and it really is) to say, it's just a long boring negative record. I know myself the constant cycle of negativity is sometimes hard to take. Maybe your SILs don't feel able to take that on. Maybe they have their own lives, families, jobs, children, relationships, whatever,whatever to deal with.

We can't live other people's life for them. All we can do is advise and help where we can. It seems by what you've written that your SILs can't help (for whatever reason) so they are advising. Advising that you get a council house, he needs a Dr, some medical help etc. Maybe they just don't know what else to do? What is it that you want from them? We are all responsible for our own lives and our own paths.....your husband has a terrible condition which is hampering his path, but between you and him, it's only you two that can take the practical steps to change that.

Has your DH been on prescribed meds? I know they don't always work fully but there are a lot of option for anti-depressants these days. Therapy can also work, but there is obviously the waiting list.
Your SILs were giving advice within the scope of their knowledge - but the only person that can really help your DH, is your DH. Depression is awful, but there are ways out of it/to mitigate it. My adult DCs push through their MH issues with our help/support and I'm very proud of them for doing so.

This may sound harsh, but maybe they’re used to their brother not taking responsibility for himself, and have become fatigued with the situation. What was he like before you married? Did he suffer from depression then? Worked? Maybe they’ve tried to help in the past.

Your SILs may be well aware of how your husband is, he may have been like this, long into his childhood. As horrible (and it really is) to say, it's just a long boring negative record. I know myself the constant cycle of negativity is sometimes hard to take. Maybe your SILs don't feel able to take that on. Maybe they have their own lives, families, jobs, children, relationships, whatever,whatever to deal with.

Yeah, I have to say that when depression is something you're forced to deal with in family members as a child, you often need to get far away from that as an adult. It's a different kettle of fish from choosing to stay with a depressed partner as an adult, because there's no agency when you're a kid.

They are wealthy successful etc and are so because when they have a problem eg mental health, housing etc, they'll make practical decisions eg help from gp, council houses and crack on with their lives. Sounds like you both need to build on your resilience .

As a depressed ten year until nearly 30 year old many moons ago, I can say in my case that at no point did I want my parents to be worried or frustrated or angry or upset. It was never even a thought in my mind. I did know they tried to push me, but I couldn't face it, just wanted to be alone and not hurt anyone. I believe your son probably feels the same. Depression is horrible and anyone who loves you is affected by it. I hope that you know he loves you and that he finds the strength to overcome it.

OP, this is an honest and empathetic post from a woman who's been in your husband's position and whose husband took the right action to support her. Please pay attention to this excellent post. Thank you @FupaTrooper you deserve so much credit for what you've achieved.😊xx

He jasmt worked in 10 years you have been married. I'd question why did you marry him and then have children

That's a bit of an assumption. They may have had their children before they got married (we don't know the ages of their children - OP hasn't told us this).

Oh, thank you lovely. I really appreciate your kind words!

I have gone from only leaving the house every few months or so and having no life at all, to having so much more.

I feel like depression is almost like addiction, some of us are in recovery forever... There's always that little demon tempting me back to bed, telling me to hide from the world. I have to fight to do what I need to.

Self care, leaving the house (not just when I have to) and strict routines plus accountability to therapy and family are what keep me on track.

I do also believe that sometimes you have to start recovery for other people and eventually it becomes for yourself too.

My cats and my husband and the thought of not being my best for them is so much motivation, but I really did need my husband to draw that original line in the sand.

And that is love.
Love is not spending a lifetime enabling someone by not speaking out.

And at the end of the day, my husband loves himself too. He loved himself enough in that moment to say that he couldn't spend his life watching the woman he loves be a shell of herself and not even try to get better.

He would have left if I had refused to try, and I respect him for that. I love him enough that I don't want that life for him... And OP's husband sounds like he needs a similar conversation to be reminded of this.

Thank you again for being so kind xx

You can’t expect to freeload off them because your husband “has had bad luck.” Regular employment helps with depression. The SIL don’t want to see you suffer- They are absolutely not obligated to give you handouts.

Has your husband actually been diagnosed as clinically depressed? There are many different anti depressants, he needs to keep trying till he finds one that suits him. The Nhs offer a service called Wellbeing, they offer between 6 and 10 counselling sessions free, it would be a good place for him to start.

This. Maybe they see you both as just making poor choices and choose to step back. I mean it's 10 years op, he's not worked during that time and nothing has changed. You say they like to see you suffer, which is such emotionally guilting choice of words so I really wonder what's the actual story. No they don't owe you or the kids, because if in 10years your dh hasn't changed his situation then where does it end for them if they do help?

The OP said that the ten years have "been over consumed with having kids", so the implication is that they had at least some of their kids over the last ten years.

He does need to go back to the gp. What would he do without you op? Are you setting yourself on fire so he doesn’t have to?

The thread title should be:

To think my DH wants to see me suffer ?

He needs to take responsibility for his own health, you can support him. If he won't do it I would seriously consider leaving

A "phase" doesn't last for 10 years OP. He needs to keep trying meds until he finds one that works for him and get back to work.

Your SILs offered very reasonable advice and it upset you. Imagine if they had the same conversation with your fragile husband.

in their position, I would be trying to bite my tongue. After 10 years I would be angry with my brother for not getting help for his problems. He is hurting his children and his wife by refusing to seek treatment for his condition. If he is unable to work and keep a job, then he needs to be trying everything his doctors offer.