DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

I would tread lightly. You need to make sure you don’t cut off lines of communication with her, especially if she does do something she’s felt pressured into or did need the MAP.

Firstly, I’d simply just ask why he was in her bed after you asked him not to be. She may apologise and say they just fell asleep watching a film or something. She is 16 and it is legal for her to have a sexual relationship so none of them are doing anything wrong except going against your wishes.

I’ve never put any restrictions in place and I now have three adult children who have been pretty sensible and talked to me when they needed to. Just one 15yo to go! I would be wary under 16 as a boy in particular can get into trouble.

yeah... no.

Stating that they will have had sex at 16 is agreeing with and approving of the peer pressure that makes kids feel like they should be having sex already, and leads them to feel like they should go and shag in a park!! They aren't all doing it yet, they never have been. Some are, some aren't and they should feel happy and supported with that. Something not being illegal is a pretty low bar to say it should be actively encouraged in your house.
Whether they are ready depends completely on the individuals and their relationship. They've been together 4 weeks. We have no idea if they knew each other before that, or if they see much of each other loads at college or in the evenings. At one extreme they could have been in the same friend group for years and in loads of classes together and see each daily after school and every weekend, or they could have literally met for the first time a few weeks ago, see each other at lunchtimes and weekends and still be very much getting to know each other.

They are children, this has been illustrated by the lying, sneaking, and the kevin the teenager huff of 'don't make a big deal of it omg' when OP tried to speak to her daughter about it.

Open dialogue and trust - exactly. The best time for this was when the sleepover was arranged and the daughter wanted the bf to sleep in her room. If she had asked to have him sleep in her room then OP could have had a conversation with her about it, and agreed a way forward that they are both happy with. She could have explained any reasons she might not be comfortable with it yet, established that they have contraception in place and that they are both happy and know that it is always OK to say you want to stop at ANY point, and that having had sex before doesn't mean you have to do it at any time that you don't want to. Teenagers are learning how adult relationships work, and there is so much pressure on them from all sides. A parent saying 'no sex, you're 15!' then 'oh you're 16 now, here's a 'go away we're shagging' sign for your door, off you go!' is adding to that pressure.
I hope that the OP's daughter wanted him in her bed and only what she wanted to happen happened, but it's also possible that she didn't want him to see her with no makeup and bed hair and actually the boy came to her room without her asking him to, and stayed there and she didn't feel comfortable but didn't want to tell him to leave. The OP saying 'oh that's fine, you're 16! He can be here every night!' and making them pancakes is giving the direct message that he should be there and they should be having sex. The message I would want to give is that it's fine, but not doing it is also fine. and that if you expect to be treated like an adult you behave like one. Not 'if you're normal and 16 you should be doing it constantly anywhere you can' or 'if you want to fuck in my house you have to wash my car first', jfc

There needs to be a consequence for breaking the rule that you made for your house as the responsible parent and very clearly communicated to them both. No more sleepovers would be an appropriate consequence.

I don't think any teen has ever been overly bothered if their parents think they should or shouldn't be having sex.

In this case, OP actively discouraged it and it appears they did it anyway. I think it's better to face up to the fact that in this situation, the DD is having sex and instead address making sure it's being done in a safe way makes more sense than trying to forbid it, which clearly did not work.

The seeing her with no make-up and bed hair sounds like it comes from a 1940s "How to be a wife" guide. I'd be a bit worried if her close friends and boyfriend have never seen her without a full face of make-up and an updo. Most 16 yos I see round here seem to go around the village in greying sports socks, ancient looking sliders, leggings and a giant hoodie. Or their PJs.

kind of depends if they have a zit they want to conceal and how silly their hair goes in bed, some teens would rather die than have people know they get zits that are visible and like to straighten hair or whatever before they're seen in public 🤷‍♀️ I was more the hobo in a hoodie type but there are allsorts.

I need to know what concealer makes a spot invisible rather than just "slightly less obvious from 10 ft away". 😂

In all seriousness though, I don't think you can teach consent by trying to take over and ban something. It might make it slightly easier for the teen in the short term, but long term, you need to teach them to be open about what they want for themselves without recourse to what their Mum says.

If OP has any reason to suspect that maybe the BF was an unwelcome visitor to DD's bed, this is the time to talk to her about how to say no.

This is a really good point. If you attempt to control a 16 year old's legal sexuality are you really teaching consent or are you teaching them to do as they're told?

You'd have to ask a young person about makeup, I have no clue what most of it is even for 😂

No one suggested an outright ban? Op said it was something she'd consider when they've been together more than 5 minutes and when her daughter actually speaks to her about it rather than saying one thing, doing another and refusing to discuss it.

OP has no idea if the bf was a welcome guest, he was there and her daughter just told her to shh when she asked about it. Talking to her about how to say no should happen before she's needed it, not after!

TBH I’d think it weird if he stayed on the settee, why else would she want him to have a sleepover?

We just have two camps here. Accepting they probably have sex isn't encouraging it. but as @MrsSunshine2b said, trying to control what they do and ban intimacy is not teaching your kid to decide if she wants to.

That could be said of anything you restrict though. By the same logic if you stop them spending all their savings on something stupid are you teaching them financial responsibility or are you teaching them to do as they're told?
If you say they can't have pizza for every meal are you teaching them to eat well or to do as they're told?

Just because sex becomes legal at 16 they don't magically become new beings that don't need any parental guidance overnight. Just like they don't magically start listening to a word anyone says 🙄

At 16, I wouldn't be micromanaging what they spend their own money on or what they eat. I'd hope I'd taught them well enough to make those decisions themselves, and re savings, if a 16 yo has saved enough money to buy something "stupid", that's up to them. The money I save for them I will give them when they are old enough to make a long term decision.

Well, things do change at 16 because they are presumed legally to have mental capacity for many of their decisions, particularly over their body and everything you've listed. There's a reason any money they have in a junior ISA is actually legally their money to spend as they wish from 16.

I think you need to be realistic. They are going to have sex regardless of the location or whether you condone it.

In your shoes, I’d be upset she went against your request and have a longer discussion with her. But I’d much prefer them being safe at home… rather than having sex in the back of the car, on the fire escape of a club or at a National Trust monument… like I did aged 17 😂 My parents honestly thought no bed, no sex 🙄

I woke up at 5am, looked in her room ... [OP]

So in all the talk about bounderies, has nobody thought that looking in her room crosses any sort of boundery? The OP saw the boyfriend sleeping in the same bed, but what would she have done if she had opened the door to find them "in flagrante”?

Regardless of whether the daughter was alone or with her boyfriend, does she not also have some expectation of privacy when she's in her own room?

Yes exactly, I made the same point. I find it weird and invasive and don't understand why no one else (apart from you now!) has mentioned this.
What would happen if the DD asks the op to stop looking in on her, will op insist as it's her house?

I think I would have said no after 4 weeks of dating. But they are going to have sex anyway I guess. Honest conversation needed. About contraception etc. I would be cross with her but as they have already broken the rule I would be saying no to sleepovers for a while.

It's really not a question of "they'll have sex anyway" it's the fact that the OP had asked her DD not to do something and she still went a head ignoring what she was asked to do...

So many times on MN a question has been asked and most answers come out with "your house your rules" the same applies here.

Reading DD's reply of her boyfriends parents saying they don't mind as long as its not in their house, it's good to read that at least the boyfriend can follow rules set by his own parents, keeps them off his back....

Look, you guys, I understand. It's ok. I understand it was too hard to make you not be together in the same house. So from now on, I don't mind. When he comes over, you can stay together.

What an utterly ridiculous reply. It's a great way to have a teenager look at you with contempt, particularly after they've just pissed all over your boundaries.

Try telling them they aren't taking drugs in your house, coming in at 6am or having any basic respect for you if you've been wet enough to trot this little gem out. You've just told them they can walk all over anything you say and 'it's ok'.

It's a great way to have a teenager look at you with contempt, particularly after they've just pissed all over your boundaries.

But it's OK for the mother to piss all over her teenage daughter's boundaries by looking into her room at 5 o'clock in the morning?

"The money I save for them I will give them when they are old enough to make a long term decision." is kind of the same point though? Why not just hand the lot over to them if they're meant to be suddenly adult and full of good choices?

There's a vast chasm between micromanaging and actively encouraging them to do whatever the hell their current whim is, with no input or discussion with a parent as long as they're not breaking the law.
We all hope that we've taught them well enough to make good decisions for themselves but looking back at some of the things I wanted to do at that age, it's not always the case.

If mine had saved up a load of money and decided to spend the lot on a truckload of haribo it is their money and would indeed be their choice, but I would still talk to them about it and remind them about the activity with their friends they'd been talking about or the new phone they said they were saving for. I'd also be making sure they cleaned their teeth and had set aside enough money for a lot of dental work when their teeth all fell out, that kind of thing.

Likewise, if we had a few pizzas in the freezer to use for quick teas and my kid was eating them 3 meals a day I don't consider it micromanaging to tell them to stop it rather than quietly adding 50 pizzas a week to my tesco order and leaving them to it.

I'm going to ignore the condescending tone that's dressed up as faux concern, but your post again sounds like it's either from the Victorian era or the Bible Belt. Or both!

If parents set unrealistic limits/expectations for teenage children who are having sex- as many but not all 16-year-olds are- this doesn't stop sex from happening. It just means it happens in situations and places much more likely to carry risk for those involved.

The OP is almost setting up her DD to fail by allowing the boy to sleep over, and then change rooms. Far better to either say A) you can have safe, protected sex at home but I'd like to meet your boyfriend, or B) no boys can stay over and you can't ever have sex until you're married (and I'm going to put my head in the sand and pretend you're not going to sneak around having sex outside/at friends' houses/in cars etc).

@pleasehelpwi3 I'm going to ignore the condescending tone that's dressed up as faux concern, but your post again sounds like it's either from the Victorian era or the Bible Belt. Or both!

😂😂 I'm going to ignore your rudeness and inability to debate, so ner! 😝😁

Wjy didn't you want to have a "house" of teen boys?

What for?