DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

This!

my advice is, you are within your right to be annoyed that you set rules and they blatantly broke them (they will come up with some bullcrap that they fell asleep chatting). I think it’s fine to not have sleepover on school nights so this eliminates some options. However don’t ‘ban’ him from the house as others have suggested. I would always try and make our house welcoming to DDs BFs as I wanted her to feel like her home is her safe place therefore I am her safe person.

She is at uni now and talks to me about most things and we have a lot of mutual respect for each other.

@BCSurvivor I think she means when they have been together she'd be ok with them sleeping over in the same bed, not that she believes they have already been together a long time.

OP, of course they had sex. She probably suggested he go back downstairs after, but he conked out exhausted!
Also, the friends who just happened to need to be home by 10:30 after all...they were in on the plan.
Your daughter knows what she wants and will ignore and manipulate you to get it. Make sure she knows that a 4-week boyfriend can get her as pregnant as well as a 2-year one.

Your DD broke your trust and house rules so there needs to be a consequence. The most natural consequence is no more sleepovers with boyfriend.

I am pretty sure I used to do similar sneaky things at a similar age…!
Now you know they will be sharing a bed anyway, regardless of rules, I would focus on educating about contraception etc… and of course check he is treating her well and not pressuring her.
Surely it is preferable they are safely in your house rather than shagging in the park?
Her well-being would be my main priority, the first teen relationship is always such an intense one. I’m sure she will need her Mum at some point.

I wouldn’t banish him but that would be the last of the sleepovers for a good while.

You kindly agreed to a sleepover with conditions. She broke your trust, as did he.

I would have a conversation with them about safe sex and contraception.

Mine all had GF staying over from age of 16 but that was because I knew they were going to find a way to be together, I would rather they be under my roof.

However, they did completely ignore you and it's your house and rules so they need to respect that. I think she played you with the 2 friends staying over.

Can I also mention the talk you need to have with her about not just consent and safe sex but also what she intends to do if she does become pregnant? Would she buy herself a pregnancy test to find out or would she just hope and prays it might just all go away? Does she know the difference between medical and surgical abortions? Would she come to you? Would she know where to seek help? Would she want to keep the baby? Would she want to have the baby adopted? Does she know what symptoms the most common STIs are? Does she know where to go for help with that? Would she come to you for help with that?

You play adult games there might be adult consequences to deal with too. This isn't just a talk about broken trust but also the above.

I have survived 3 teen daughters.
We just said no to any boys staying overnight. End of. I suspect that they did when we weren't there but you can't police that.
I didn't want to have a house of teen boys and it avoided saying yes to Billy who was nice and no to Joe who was dodgy af.
In your shoes I'd just say that's it. You didn't stick by the rules.

What exactly is it you object to about them both being asleep in her bed?
If it's just that you're trying to control/prevent them having sex, then if they want to be having sex, they will be, surely better at home somewhere safe than what my peers were doing, in bushes in parks!
Also at 16, she's of legal age and its up to her to choose if she wants to be having sex, you don't have autonomy over her body or the right to "ban" her ffs. Also don't think parents get any say in them having sex in the comfort of their own room in their own home, it's THEIR home and safe space as much as yours.
You went to bed, they could so easily have just had sex in the livingroom before she came up to bed, so what is so wrong about them both physically sleeping beside eachother? You think he's going to wait for her to be sleeping and assault her? If you think he's so dangerous why let him sleep over at all, waiting for her to be asleep he could easily have stayed awake and crept up from downstairs if he'd wanted to, so really, what's the harm of having a cuddle and being asleep in the same bed?

She is a minor. You are the parent. Your child needs to learn that her actions have consequences. Have a kind but deep and meaningful talk with her about your disappointment and the lessons to be learned:
-The consequence of unprotected sex could be an incurable life-long disease at worst - pregnancy and STIs at least. Ensure that she has the means to protect herself and she understands what could happen if she doesn't.
-The consequence of living in your home and disobeying your rules is that she is grounded for a week and is not allowed to have sleep-overs for 2 months. Any further breach of the rules will incur greater penalty.
Fair, but firm.

I'd go down the route of "im disappointed that you agreed to the boundary then went ahead and slept in the same bed anyway" (sad concerned face). Id also speak to them together then your DD separately re: contraception etc. Then Id not let him sleep over again till they have been together longer.

I would have woken them up and sent him downstairs. Embarrassed both of them and given them an earful.

So you'd prefer them to have sex in a less safe place?
Sixteen is the age of consent here- it's a bit older than some of our European neighbours- and the pair will still be 100% having sex if they can't do it in the OP's home. It's surely preferable that the OP's daughter does it at home in safety, rather than outside, or at a friend's house.

Is she on any form of contraception? That would be my first thing to sort out, if not you need to ask if she needs emergency contraception. If she is on the pill or similar you should also make condoms readily available to her. Also there is a website where she can get a free STD test where they text you the results, I did one recently and results come back quickly. Let her know that sex doesn't come without its risks, pregnancy, STDs ... I'm sure she knows already but hammering the point home might dissuade her from making the poor decision of unprotected sex.

There should be consequences for breaking the rules but I don't think it should involve pushing the boy away, she's 16 and if she's going to do it then it's better that she does it at home than at the park, beach, someones car or someone elses home.

I have teens aged 15 to 18, personally I think your approach was a bit silly (sorry). Either don't let him stay or let them share is my approach. Even if he'd had stayed downstairs they would have been sneaking around in the middle of the night, is that really any different?

I feel like you were set up here, and they already knew they were fixing to spend the night together. That's why the other two were suddenly being picked up.

Ban him from coming over. The consequence of them breaking your rules is that they do not enjoy the comfort of your home together.

And alienate her completely?
Unprotected sex is more likely to occur outside the safety of the home.
Minor is more of a North American term; in the UK she is over the age of consent.

Never di anything that is going to humiliate your dd's friends or bf, and definitely nothing to embarrassing her in front of them
The mistake was to allow the sleepover in the first place.

I'd sit them both down and calmly tell them how disappointed you are with them for disrespecting you and your explicit wishes, and breaching your trust. I would explain that if they want to be treated as STB young adults, they need to behave like responsible youngsters.
I absolutely wouldn't ban him from the house, but I would tell them that you won't be allowing another sleepover unless and until they have both proven you can trust them.

Does she not close her door then?

“ And no more sleep overs until she shows she can be trusted .”

I wouldn’t have him staying over at all.

How often to we see threads where a 16/17 yo is pregnant and the next thing she’s being pushed into an abortion?

And before anyone says they are having sex anyway - there’s no need for aiding and abetting them by allowing it to happen under your roof!

Maybe I was too compliant, but I knew that my boyfriends always had to sleep downstairs on the sofabed - or in with my brother, if that suited them better.
I was about 24 (living temporarily back at home), and one night we fell asleep on my bed, watching a movie. I was frightened my parents would go nuts!
I would chat with her. This type of thing could have happened.

Also, you are aware that they will be at least thinking about having sex, so really important to get her clued up on birth control. I know my parents knew I was having sex, but it wasn't in the room next to them overnight....

I never understand why people are so scared of having boundaries with their children, in case they alienate them.

My parents would tolerate none of this foolishness. We knew that, and we adhere to their rules. Strangely enough, as adults, we have great relationships with our parents- not a soul alienated. We knew the boundaries, stuck to some and took the consequences of pushing others 🤷🏾‍♀️.

They’ll find a way around any rules you put in place. I’d probably turn a blind eye.