DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

Seriously!.. it was the mother’s house and you are showing your underlying disrespect for that. If you want to shag in the lounge, bedroom, kitchen, wherever…. Get your own home! Otherwise the house of mother has rules! If you don’t like it.. move out! This has nothing to do with age or consent. And incidentally.. She was 16 not 18.

The point is at university age 'the rules' don't make any sense. You have to start to accept that your son/daughter is a grown up.

If you don't mind them having sex, why do you mind him sleeping over?
Surely not letting him sleep over will just mean they do it somewhere less safe....I really think you should say that they disrespected you and you aren't happy but lets have a grown up conversation about consent and contraception and the outcome of that will determine if you allow him to stay over. (then let him). Better to keep him close IMO. I can't believe your boundary is more about them sharing a bed than actually having sex! (I think you are right to accept that they are having sex but the bed bit is crazy)

I'll state it again for those who can't read that as I quoted the poster 'ohhbaby' I was clearly referring to her tale of being at university and her parents taking her car away for having sex but I think you know this as you responded to that exact post!!

Oh look, it seems that you knew I was referring to that poster a few posts back.

That was blatant disrespect from the pair of them. It's clear his parents feel the same as you - they aren't sharing a bed under their roof.

I would tell her that's the last time he's allowed to stay over as they've demonstrated that they can't be trusted to respect the boundaries you set. It demonstrates a level of immaturity to be honest.

It does not make you 'grown up' to sneak a bf into your bed when your mother made it clear that she felt uncomfortable with this. It makes you childish and untrustworthy.

There would be no more sleepover for me, until they'd grown up a bit.

Hmm. I also remember being this age and my mum finding out I’d had sex. My mum’s attitude made me feel so ashamed that I still to this day do not feel comfortable talking to her about anything personal (fyi, I am a grown, married woman with teenage children).

When you approach your daughter, please think about how this will affect your relationship long term. Make sure that the talk is about her breaking your trust. Talk to her about why you don’t feel it is appropriate for her to share a room with her bf and why you also show her that respect too by not having your bf over.

You might find this brings you both closer if you don’t punish but calmly discuss and come to an agreement together without the need to “punish” her.

I was replying in general. It reads that you think the situation is ok because she’s an ‘adult’ so can do what she likes. Did I misinterpret this?

I agree with this and whatever you do don't refer to the, 'house of Mother'.

If they don't have space to do it in her home, the will probably end up doing it in a bus shelter.

This is what I thought when I read this too. She seems to think she doesn’t have to follow your rules and she’s in charge.

Agree that a conversation around safe sex needs to be had but also around boundaries!

I think you've overlooked your name swapping there am I responding to MyMauveWasp or Memyaelf?

It’s not ‘normal’ for the 16yos I know.

Sorry I meant the poster who was a uni student at the time, who got privileges taken away.

That’s not the point though, it’s the promise to follow house rules then not. In essence, it’s no different from OP telling them not to open the bottle of wine in the fridge and then doing it without permission.

I agree with everything @longapple says.

Not only did she lie and ignore your boundries, she is then rude and unapologetic when you bring it up with her.
This is NOT the way for her to build her side of the relationship and trust with you!
Other posters are saying for you not to alienate your daughter, but she has a responsibility not to alienate you either. It is a 2 way street!

For all those people saying 'let it slide'...what happens if this 4 week relationship ends and in another month there is another lad sleeping over and breaking boundries? And another 2 months, another new BF of 4 weeks turns up to stay the night?
If this first incident is 'let slide' then the daughter will think it is a green light to have whoever she wants to share her bed with her.
Would you be happy with a stream of lads (that you don't know) staying at your house, in your daughter's bed?

Sorry OP. I am not implying,at all, that your daughter will have hundreds of boyfriends, but I do know that, at 16, my turnover of boyfriends was quite prolific - but I wasn't sleeping with any of them!!

This is not really about whether they are having sex or not (as the OP stated in her first post), it is about the disrespect, deviousness and selfishness that they both displayed.

I was 18 and fully funded to live and go to uni by my parents.
If I didnt like their rules I was free to go off and fund my own life.
They said they wouldn't be funding lifestyle they don't agree with and that is their prerogative.

I think a whole host of our problems are because we hammer on the fact that 18 year olds are 'adults' and can make their own decisions.
In reality your brain is not fully formed and we should expect teenagers to make silly mistakes. That's why we have parents, to try and mitigate those risks to an extent because they are older, wiser, fully developed and has seen more of life.
Maybe I'd we didn't leave kids to fend for themselves the moment they turn 18, there would be better outcomes.
Sure I had agency in many things but my parents still guided and supported me to make the best decisions I could at the time.
Like
@Memyaelf said, it's about rules and consequences, that you get everywhere in life.
And it's about protecting children against themselves.
My parents could have left me but lovingly did what they thought was best.
I don't call guidance infantilising.
And only because my parents were willing to set consequences for rules did my behaviour change.
We shouldn't be too scared to parent. I didn't make wise decision and I would be angry now that they had left me to my one immature devises at that tender age.
In fact I have friends who blame their parents for being too scared to step in and allowing their children all the freedom in the world, only to allow them to make life changing mistakes.

And that makes it ok for her to bring home whoever she likes? Whenever she likes? .. I wasn’t allowed to have my bf stay over. I respected my parents wishes. We still did it in the park, on the bonnet of the car, in a field.. so no doesn’t stop them, but there is a level of respect needed

A very adult insight 🥰 x

@Ohhbaby How did your parents monitor your lifestyle while you were away at Uni? When my son was at Uni I didn’t have a clue what he was doing, as I don’t with my other son who is currently there. I wouldn’t know how to from a distance.(Not that I would want to, they know they can talk to me if needed but I don’t tell them what to do).

It's not about them having sex is it', she's 16 and if they want to they will (hopefully safely)

Deliberately going against your agreement is what is wrong. I was up to all kinds nearly half a century ago at 16 (as I'm sure many of us were) but I respected my parents wishes about what actually happened in their house and so did even the wildest of my peers. For everyone saying "It's her home too", well it is but not one she's paying for or has any real say over, because by that logic, the OP should allow her to do exactly what she wants, whenever she wants, however unreasonable.

You do need to talk to her and I'm in the camp of "no more sleepovers at the moment". This is hardly harsh and a logical consequence.

Can't believe this is still a thing in 2024, lol, I was doing this 40 something years ago. Clearly they've had a shag and they've fell asleep, they will have meant to get up before you did, but you've kinda sabotaged them by looking in on them at 5 o clock, so you either bring it out in the open or stop him staying over. Either way they'll carry on shagging so make sure there's contraception involved, good luck .

They didn't . Or at least not everything. I was away at uni and they could obviously only hope that they have instilled their values, but couldn't do more.
Of I wanted to get drunk, steal, debauch, whatever, there was only so much they could do and only so much they knew about.
The specific incident I refered to happened on a weekend when I was supposed to meet up with my family. I'd prefer not to go into too much detail.
The had some expectations around certain aspects and I breached that.
I cannot exactly remember how they found out all the details, but suspect I 'fessed up after they got a tail end of it.

Obviously as a girl in the home, like OPs DD they were able to monitor.

I'll give an example of a friend of mine.
This friend didn't mind drinking to the point of being drunk. She and all of us, knew her parents wouldn't approve but although they probably suspected, they couldn't really do anything.
But one weekend she partied on Friday night and they had a family function on the Saturday. She turned up still pretty intoxicated.
Her parents said that they cannot monitor her drinking at uni, but they find it disrespectful that she would smell of alcohol and be intoxicated in the presence of her grandmother etc. I can't remember what the consequences were but a talking to and some privilege taken away.
You might not agree with the fact that parents don't allow their kids to be drunk, but that was their rule. Their home, you don't get in drunk if you know there is a function where you are needed to speak etc.

Similar with my parents, you don't have to agree with their stance on the specific issue , but I knew the rule beforehand and thus suffered consequences.

But yeah they couldn't monitor what happened at uni.

So pick your battles. They agreed to what you said bc they wanted to avoid an argument and didn't want him to have to leave.

If you know that you can't stop them having sex then why did you make a fuss about them sharing a bed?

You are just causing arguments for no reason.

I get up at 5am and leave the house before they wake up, it’s just a habit that I look in both DD’s rooms to check on them before I leave.