DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

She’s not a grown up.

Oh the hypocrisy lol.
You remember what YOU were doing at 16 but its not acceptable for your daughter to want to do the same things ....😂

do you have teenage daughters?

I think there must be a discussion about keeping to agreements, and that people who don't keep to agreements don't get to have a second bite at the cherry until trust is established.

The fact that teenagers have sex is neither here nor there, tbh. Because if this is allowed to slide, what other agreements can be made/established? none. Ever.

It sounds reasonable enough at 16, however it is worth setting an age when you would be okay with it. I wasn't allowed partners to stay over at all, and I stayed with my parents until I was 23. It was very embarrassing, at 20+, to have them over then send them walking to the train or bus stop come 10pm. I have only ever had fairly long relationships (shortest 10 months when I was much younger), and was single for quite a while in between, so I never understood why I was treated like a child when partners' parents were happy for me to stay. It did spur me to move out immediately once I'd finished uni as I was desperate for some freedom and to be able to enjoy myself without curfews (yep, also had a 1am curfew unless I stayed with a friend!) and restrictions on guests.

Did it look in any way like he'd fallen asleep by accident and perhaps intended to go downstairs at some poiny? 🤣🙈 It's possible. I'm with others that say talk about it calmly but make it w conversation she really would like to avoid in future so it doesn't happen again. Have a think about when you feel it would be ok for him to stay in her room so you know what you're comfortable with for future convos.

When I said " no more sleepovers" until she shows she can be trusted I meant " sleepovers " in the sense of allowing him to sleep in the house. Not in her bed.

I wouldn't be allowing my 16 year old daughter to have sexual partners in her bed. But given the distance away that the b/f lives I think, if the relationship lasts, and she shows she can be trusted, it's not unreasonable for him to sleep at OP's house occasionally in a seperate room from her daughter. But only if OP is happy with the situation and the daughter shows she respects her mother's wishes.

Then you probably need to tell him not to ignore house rules and sleep with the daughters of strange adults of the opposite sex. If I had good reason to suspect my daughter or stepdaughter was having sex with someone, I'd absolutely talk to them both about safe sex. Especially when it won't be your son going through an abortion or pregnancy and choosing adoption or bringing up a baby whilst trying to complete his education.

I totally agree with this

I would have a word with both of them together and let the BF know that you are v disappointed that they both broke your trust like that. Ask them what they think you should do - often, their suggested sanctions are far more draconian than what you might have in mind. Let them know you are hugely disappointed with both of them. But decide what you are prepared to allow in your house - big reminder needed that your house, your rules - and decide how you can get your point across while not absolutely forbidding BF from ever coming again.

At 16 they will start to have freedom to have their own responsibilities and make decisions. Therefore it's parents responsibility to teach them how to make decisions in a mature and balanced way.

When you take away the hard boundaries and communicate your reasoning behind decisions and gain agreement, you teach them valuable lessons for adult life, and also how to manage confrontation and difficult conversations in a rational way. It also means they are less likely to find a way to "win" against something they have been told is a hard rule but don't see or understand the reasoning behind.

Yes, 2 adult sons, 2 teen daughters and 2 younger daughters.

I wouldn't have made the rule in the first place.

My kids have never disrespected any boundary I have, because my boundries are also respectful of my kids, their feelings, their comfort and their safety and have actual reasons rather than "I don't want my child, who is of legal age, to have sex".

The conversations around safety, consent, being ready etc should have been happening long before this point.

I could go along with that, but it wouldn’t be happening for a very long time with this lack of respect and breach of trust, if ever.

Agree with this.
DH and I slept in separate rooms at my parents until we were married, even though we were in our 30s and living together ! Their house, their rules.

well then you should know that when you set a boundary and make an agreement both sides have to keep it.

I wouldn't have set this rule either, but OP did. Her daughter broke her trust and you think it's fine to wave it away?

It isn't fine. 16 year olds have sex, we all know it (having said that, i didn'T until much later and neither of my DCs did either. They are way older than teenagers now and have told me things without me ever asking. But our job is to raise adults. Part of adulting is not agreeing to things we have no intention of keeping to (there are exceptions). And part of adulting is accepting that actions (breaking trust) have consequences.

it has zero to do with what teenagers do and what conversations may have been had in the past (incidentally: consent conversations are ongoing. I still have them with my DCs if that topic comes up)

Let it slide. Get her on the pill. You remember what it was like at 16, I certainly do! It’s a novelty for her at this stage so just make sure she’s safe

Could be helpful to be sure in your own mind why you've banned bed-sharing and explain it to them.
They are over the age of consent so doing nothing wrong legally if they are having sex. If they are not yet, they certainly will as their relationship progresses. They can have sex without sharing a bed so stopping them sharing won't make any difference to unplanned pregnancy etc.
If you don't want them sharing a bed because it makes you uncomfortable and it's your house your rules, you need to be clear about that. But remember they will find somewhere else to sleep together which may be less safe.
On a separate but related issue: if you're angry because they agreed to sleep separately and then broke their promise, you need to tell them that too.
What happens next depends on how they respond.

I have two tween girls. Useful tip re dodgy Joe and nice Billy.

After 4 weeks of dating. I think I'd be reading the riot act and there'd be no more sleepovers.

Have you had an explicit conversation about what happens if she gets pregnant? That you expect her to go through with it, or expect her to terminate? How much parental support she will get from you and her father to look after a baby/toddler/primary aged child.

In short, she might be old enough to legally have sex but has she been old enough how she and whatever BF [of any duration] would deal with the possible consequences?

This was 20 years ago! I think they didn't really know exactly what to do, given I had younger siblings. I was back home for about 4 months; it wasn't the end of the world to do what they would prefer..... Didn't stop us when we were alone.

The rule was ridiculous, so op can either dig her heels in and make it worse, or have a conversation and treat her dd with the respect that op feels she is also due.

I think it's important that when a parent makes a stupid decision that we do admit it, and reassess the situation as needed.

Perhaps some people don't like to see their child as their adversary to battle with. I would suggest the world's ills are all pretty much down to hostilities- perhaps if parents didn't see raising children/teens as a battle, we would have a more peaceful world, inhabited by kinder adults.

And since when did people from the UK start referring to people under 18 as 'Minors'!

Never saw the point in this, it’s legal, they are shagging, let them do it comfort.

I have daughters, not sons. Are you quite sure you’d be ok with your DD’s boyfriend’s father or stepfather discussing safe sex with your DD even if she were uncomfortable and did not want to, and without your consent or knowledge?

I can’t believe any one with a teenage daughter would be ok with her boyfriend’s dad or stepdad having sex talks with her. It’s creepy and disturbing.

I'm wondering if it was the boyfriend who sneaked upstairs, effectively pressured her into letting him into her bed.

I'm old-fashioned, I know, but to me, 16 is way too young to be sharing a bed with a boy. (Yes, I know the age of consent is 16, but that's always seemed wildly young to me. 18 would be much better in my view. I mean, the pair of them are technically children and will be for another two years!)

How many 16-year-old girls are mature enough to handle the emotions that come with having sex and the probably-immature behaviour of the boy afterwards? Having sex at that age is crazy! Not to mention that it leaves her open to pregnancy and STDs.

My parents would have gone mad if I'd done that.

I don't think you need to over-explain. Just say that you're uncomfortable having him to stay because last time, they ended up in bed together.

I think the more pressing matter is finding out whether your DD is being pressured into anything. The fact that this boy crept upstairs and into her bed, despite her mother being clear that he had to stay downstairs, does not bode well.

We all know what this boy wants from your daughter. Time to let her in on some good old-fashioned home truths about the differences between men and women.

In your shoes, I would NOT be impressed with this boy. Not at all.

Yes it was disrespectful to have him sleep in her bed when you’d said not.

So he doesn’t sleep in the house again - or not for many months.

But I agree it was naive to let him sleep over at all.

My parents had this rule with us until we were well over 18 - they knew it went on but not in their house, was there thought. But they found out my middle brother was totalling flouting their rules so they gave up and let us all have bf and gfs in the same room - but I’d have been over 20 by then. Irony was, I’d been breaking the rules all along too but didn’t get caught! 😂

I think the “I’m so disappointed in you” line is far more effective that’s anger (speak from experience of being at the end of that kind of convo back in the day!)

So, over the breakfast table it goes

”As you know we all agreed on the sleeping arrangements last night. I’m extremely disappointed that you went against that agreement. It means I can’t trust you going forward and I had hoped now you are a bit older we would be able to navigate these things by agreement. So for the time being I’m going to have to say no to any more sleepovers, although we are more than happy to see you (BF) at any other time. I hope you have used reliable contraception.”