DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

I think rules like that actually back teenagers into a corner: if they want to sleep together they then have to either do it some other place or lie and sneak to their parents. At 16 she's not actually doing anything wrong by having sex with him. So yeah, maybe it was a bit dodgy of her to lie but I personally think boundaries like that (I.e. 'not in my house') are a bit unfair.

Just to add, my parents wouldn’t let any unmarried couples stay in the same room until the whole business with my brother ignoring the rule as they thought it was a bad example - god knows what they’d have done if it was eg a 65 yo unmarried couple!

She's not a child though is she? At 16 you have many more rights than at 15, plus OP reffered to college so arguably more grown up than school kid status. I would say emerging adult, theu definitely aren't children. Do you have any teens this age?

There has been a lot of boundary pushing from her recently, and my threat of if you do it again that will be the last time, doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.

What have the consequences been for her when she does do it again...or do you just threaten then roll your eyes and tutt if she repeats...

age of consent is 16.
I'm in my fifties but when I was a teen, most of my friend group were sneaking around having sex with boys. I get confused by the "not under my roof " brigade. Do you think that's going to stop them from having sex till they're 25? They're just going to sneak around having sex in the woods/back of car etc.

This would be my approach too

I’m dreading this point of parenting. I think there is a big period of growing up between say 15 and 20. Instinctively if my daughters brought home a partner from university, I wouldn’t be making them sleep in separate bedrooms but at 16 and with a 4 week long relationship I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the OP’s daughter’s situation. If the boundaries were agreed then there should be some consequences but I’d also want her to be safe and thinking about contraception.

The older I get, the more I think the age of consent probably should be raised. Yes teens will always do what they do but actually a lot of them aren’t emotionally mature enough to manage relationships and the consequences of sex and power dynamics well especially when so many boys are getting their sex education from porn. Now I’m sure that will never happen but I do think there is a difference between a 16-17 year old still in school, managing exams etc and a 19 year old in work or university with a bit more maturity behind them.

Absolutely this 👆

Ffs don't sit them down and humiliate them like some posters have said! What's done is done. Have the safe sex talk, provide contraception, give her a safe space to do it in.

Otherwise they'll be having sex in cars/parks/other friends houses like I was at that age 🙃

I wouldn't challenge him. If he's a nice boy let him have breakfast and go about his day.

I would speak to your daughter alone later. First check she's using contraception and suggest STI tests. Then tell her you are disappointed she didn't follow your rules abd punish her how you see fit. I wouldn't go overboard banning the boyfriend from your house completely though as this could make her pull away from you.

At 16 you can't really tell her off for having sex. It's up to you if you aren't comfortable it happens in your house. But at least they were quiet if you didn't notice till you saw them asleep in the same bed.

That is completely offensive and some sweeping generalisation about teenage boys.

I’m not fussed about if they’re having sex or not as long as it’s consensual, no one feels pressured and they use protection.

It’s the crossing the boundary and being so obvious about it, I don’t feel comfortable with it right now.
I have a bf of a couple of months and he doesn’t stay over when my DD is home.
I asked her about it this morning via message, as I had to leave early and the response was - don’t make a big deal out of it and his parents don’t mind as long as it’s not at their house!
I know they are of age and will do what they like regardless but I felt they needed to be together longer before sharing a bed was acceptable.

I will sit down and have a proper conversation with her tonight about it, I think I will no no anymore sleepovers for a while.

Absolutely this

You're not fussed if they're having sex but your "boundary" is that they can't do it at your house?

Maybe I didn’t put that quite right! I know they will have sex and I know I can’t stop them. As they will do it somewhere else.

Is your daughter on reliable contraception?

I had boys who knew full well no sleepovers with girlfriends at this age.

Not RTFT but how did you manage to look in her room? Was her door open? If so, I doubt they’d been shagging: surely they wouldn’t be that stupid?

If her door was closed, do you habitually show a lack of respect for her privacy by just opening it without knocking?

I’m in several minds about this. Obviously, if you had an agreement they should have kept to that agreement. But I remember, at that age, being really annoyed that my mother seemed to assume that I was going to have sex with any boy that I was alone with. Sixteen-year-olds are legally able to consent to sex but it doesn’t mean that they’re all up for it all the time, even with acknowledged boyfriends and girlfriends. Oh and even after I was married we never had sex in my parents’ house. Too weird.

I don’t know what to advise, but I definitely think that coming over all Victorian and banning the boyfriend from the house would be a massive mistake.

I remember when I was 16 too... my mum said the exact same thing but I just always pretended he fell asleep in my bed 🤣

We're still together now 10 years later.

It really depends on you OP. Personally I wouldn't mind, wether he is in the bed beside her or down stairs they will have sex regardless. I know it's not nice to think about. Just have a chat about contraception

I'd talk to her.

I'd tell her I felt duped by the plan being changed (the girls going home) and then them ignoring him having to sleep downstairs.

I'd be calm and try and find out if they'd just fallen asleep or if it was intentional and ask why.

Realistically, him sleeping separately will stop nothing, if they're going to do anything, the fact that it's day time won't stop them.

Doing a "RIGHT, no sleepovers until you're 30" will achieve absolutely bugger all. She'll keep doing what she wants, she'll just tell you less/do less of it where you can see.

If the situation was she'd broken the house rule to sleep in a bed with her boyfriend, I wouldn't be at all shocked if his parent or step-parent had a frank talk with both of them about protection.

If she's comfortable enough to have sex under someone else's roof, she probably should be comfortable enough for them to want to make sure she's doing so safely.

I don't find talking about safe sex to be creepy from either gender, especially if they are aware their child is having sex. A teenager having a baby or an STD is something which I find much more creepy.

You made a rule - they agreed to it - they then went back on that. So that is not good from either of them. And you need to have words with them about it.

I am old that distributing cornflakes on the floor in front of the bedroom is a good way of hearing if someone enters!

"don’t make a big deal out of it and his parents don’t mind as long as it’s not at their house!"

Rude.

It's your house therefore your rules apply. She flouted them so I agree with the majority of posters that a ban on overnights is applied for the foreseeable. No doubt she'll kick off about that but getting her to understand that you have boundaries is really important. Let this go and she'll be pushing boundaries even more.

She needs to know that she can't just ignore your request (which was a reasonable one) to sleep separately, at least for the time being.

You were respectful and that can’t be criticised. I think my son (21) would look at me like I was mad if I made the sofa rule though.😁

So they adhere to his parents house rules but not yours? I think that needs a conversation in itself.

You were clear on your expectations. It’s your house. They both broke it. Obviously they are sleeping together. Tell DD that no other sleep overs are allowed as she betrayed your kindness. Simple as that. It’s not about whether they have sex or not. Or their age. It’s about they blatantly failed to follow the rules in your house that you set. That’s the only response your daughter and partner need.

don’t make a big deal out of it and his parents don’t mind as long as it’s not at their house!"

Yeah same for you.
She cannot respect her bf's parents rules but not yours.

To me it's blatant disrespect.
I'd definitely put a consequence in place.

I remember when I was in uni I had also disobeyed a rule about bf's. My parents took my car away(said if we can't trust you, we aren't funding you to drive ) . I realise this may be ineffective if public transport is great. They also spoke to my boyfriend (well my dad did) and yeah it was pretty embarrassing but in hindsight I'm glad they not only set boundaries but actually followe through if I broke those rules.
I'm in my 20s now, with my own kids and appreciate their rules now.
Obviously I thought they were soooo behind (eyeroll ) at 18