DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

Wrong thread

Have a conversation with her as an adult.

"We agreed that X would stay downstairs when he stayed over, and I know he joined you in bed. What made you make that decision to break our agreement?"

Did she agree freely to him staying downstairs, or was it just a blanket "What you said goes"?

You run the risk of alienating her completely and losing any closeness. Yes it's uncomfortable when she's only 16, but you need to have a conversation with her on the same level, not "my word goes" as that obviously doesn't work, as much as we'd all love to think it should/will do.

She's 16, have adult conversations with her about sex/choices/respect etc. She will be far more likely to keep you close and in the loop rather than doing what you're telling her not to anyway, and then being scared to come to you if she does get into trouble.

The rule seems very old fashioned and controlling for someone of the age of consent in an age appropriate relationship. It’s like you want your DD locked in a medieval Maiden’s bower.

It is far more important to discuss consent, affection, sex/STIs and boundaries your DD should have in a healthy romantic relationship than it is to impose Rapunzel rules.

They've been together 4 weeks? Ban him from the house for the same period of time - emphasize it's not the sleeping together that's the issue, it's the ignoring your house rules

Oh shame. You’ve posted your unpleasantness on the wrong thread. Whoops.

You don’t want to be too harsh and drive her to pursue the relationship elsewhere/hide things. If you ban them from the house they will go elsewhere and you won’t know what is going on. I would have a serious talk about the potential consequences and the boundary pushing in general.

Nice quick edit there! Maybe think twice about reposting that on the thread from the young mum who’s panicking about her child?

This.
she is over the age of Consent and I believe the BF is about same age as her, so nothing really illegal going on...
If not at your/her house, they will have sex anywhere else anyway, do explain the issue of agreeing to your rule the breaking it, but agree together what the limits are (I.e. is she going at her own pace? Is he treating her well, and most importantly contraception)

Next time he comes over sit him down with her and bring it up. If they're old enough to break the rules they're old enough to have a conversation about it and explain if they can't follow basic instructions then future freedoms will take longer to be given out (and hopefully it will embarrass them into nit doing it again).

I think some people are being a bit dramatic. If it was me I would speak to her openly and honestly explain your disappointed, but let her explain her feelings as well. She’s 16, at least she was in your home safe. If shes having intercourse then fine, she can make that decision at least she is doing it at home than some random place. I think if you go in too harsh you’re going to push her away and make her unable to speak to you about things. Especially if you embarrass them both about it. I think we all know what we were doing at 16. I just think take a moment and think. I agree about maybe suggesting that she phone the drs about a form of contraception, she can do that herself. But I don’t think you should go in all guns blazing. Just speak to her like a grown up.

I agree it sounded more like the OP dictated the strict sleeping arrangements and there was no mutual agreement on them. Often when there is no opening to have a conversation, when even voicing disagremenf results in punishment - ie like saying well he can’t come over at all unless you follow my rules type of reactions, teens will just nod along with whatever and then do what they like anyway.

I agree with your approach as well. It worked for my teenagers.

Making them both sit through a safe sex talk with you should be embarrassing enough to make them think twice next time!

Agree with this.

Why do people think that having boundaries, rule and consequences means that children will be pushed away and alienated?

Let them do whatever they like so that they remain your friend?

Bonkers.

I guess understanding why it's a no to bed sharing in your house? And then your rules your house kind of chat.

My DS have been allowed GFs to stay and in their rooms since 16, but those are my rules my house and I've always checked that the gfs parents are ok with it.

I guess from my perspective my question would be why can't they?

If your concern is sex related they will be doing that regardless of sleeping in a bed, and finding any opportunity, so I always feel it's safer and better for them to have an adult space rather than the back of a car in a lay-by.

I wouldn't ban him from the house, experience tells me that they will just sneak off somewhere else to do things they aren't supposed to.

Banning him from sleeping over and making sure she comes home alone every night is probably in order.

24’s a bit much. My 21 yr old is having his gf stay over for the first time (as opposed to the previous fleeting visits). Their sleeping arrangements aren’t even a topic of conversation.

I voted YANBU because it’s your home, your rules and she disrespected you. But I would add that at 16 you’re fighting a losing battle unfortunately, and if you make it difficult for them to be together in your home then they will likely start going elsewhere. I’d personally prefer to know she was at home.

@pleasehelpwi3 and alienate her completely?

If feel for you if a kind but deep and meaningful conversation would completely alienate your child. I would also offer an 'aside-pondering' that perhaps it's people not learning nor accepting that actions have consequences is part of the current ills of the world: but that's another topic for another thread.

Unprotected sex is more likely to occur outside the safety of the home.

Fail to understand what ensuring a child knows how to protect themselves, made you say this. Maybe you didn't understand what I said?

Minor is more of a North American term; in the UK she is over the age of consent.

Again, I fail to understand your point. In that household the daughter is a child, a minor under her parent's or parents' jurisdiction. Age of consent for sexual activity wasn't a relevance but more, protection and disobedience and lack of respect for the rules of the home.

That would be deeply disturbing. I would not want a strange adult of the opposite sex giving my teen a safe sex talk.(other than an education professional in a classroom setting or a healthcare professional in a clinical setting)

I agree! I was married at 20. It feels like many posters are of the mindset of just copy and paste whatever their parents did with no thought as to how they might improve on parenting.

Some rules disguised as boundaries are pretty bonkers. Questioning a particular bonkers boundary doesn’t mean we think teens can do whatever they like and there are no rules.

oh that is a big fat no to future overnights, with anyone (either at theirs or others at yours) and a big fat bedroom door open when he is there for 4 weeks.

And discussions around trust and agreements. and also The Consent Chat. etc.

I think you were on to a loser the moment you agreed to let him stay overnight tbh. What did you think was going to happen? If you take a hard line now, you'll establish your home as enemy territory. No one here knows whether they had sex or not, but if they're going to, personally, if I were her mum, I'd rather they did it in a safe and salubrious environment than on a park bench, for instance. I think you just need to tell her you're disappointed she agreed cynically to rules she knew she was going to break immediately, and then have a word with yourself for basically inviting her to do that. I'd leave it at that, apart for the usual discussions around consent, contraception etc.

I think you sort of set them up to fail. Of course they were going to end up sneaking into the same bed. I'm also not 100% clear on the purpose of the rule, if they are having sex, banning them from sleeping in the same bed won't make any difference.

You're within your rights to pull rank and say you made the rule and they broke it, and here are the consequences, but I don't think it will have a whole lot of impact.

You can make it cringingly awkward for them both by sitting them down and giving them an in depth talk about safe sex and how to avoid pregnancy/ STDs, and I think that's as far as I'd go.

@Pookerrod why edit your post? Just get it deleted as you clearly posted on the wrong thread. But please be kinder on the other thread! 🙄