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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

225 replies

Californiadream456 · 21/10/2024 10:11

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

OP posts:
Nogaxeh · 21/10/2024 10:15

There have to be consequences for people not sticking to an agreement, so I would definitely ban the BF from staying overnight again, probably ban him from the house for a period too.

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 10:16

I would have a conversation with both of them, making it embarrassingly explicit so that they desperately want to avoid another one! Seriously if they are grown up enough to sleep together then they need to be grown up enough to discuss all the potential consequences.

I’d also be inclined to say no to any more sleepovers for a period of time, maybe dependent on other areas of life in which they show their trustworthiness.

angellinaballerina7 · 21/10/2024 10:19

No more sleepovers, they proved immediately they weren’t trustworthy so now they need to regain that trust.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 21/10/2024 10:19

I wouldn’t let the blatant lying from the pair of them slide, no, but equally I wouldn’t lay out a blanket ‘no sleepovers’ ban as I hate to set a consequence to only back down from it later (which may be the case if, on the off chance, they go the distance and grow the fuck up a bit!). I’d definitely say no sleepovers for the foreseeable, and make it clear how completely disappointed I was with the pair of them that they disrespected you and your wishes at the very first opportunity they could. It’s unsurprising that this happened, but disappointing nonetheless.

Surprisedcupcake · 21/10/2024 10:20

I agree, no more sleep overs at your house or anyone else's house until you feel like you can trust your DD again.

IamnotSethRogan · 21/10/2024 10:26

Well it's a tricky one. I'm sure I did the exact same thing at that age. Similarly, if they are sleeping together, they're actually going to do it and will find a way.

I really don't know what the answer is tbh. Kids sneaking around with their boy friends is hardly new, but I'm not sure if anyone has ever found the exact right way to handle it.

Borninabarn32 · 21/10/2024 10:27

He doesn't stay over again. Simple consequences.

suburberphobe · 21/10/2024 10:29

Is she on contraception?

Original poster
Californiadream456 · 21/10/2024 10:31

I don’t know that they got up to anything…I’d like to think not but that is probably me being quite naive. I certainly remember what I was doing at 16!
There has been a lot of boundary pushing from her recently, and my threat of if you do it again that will be the last time, doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.
I will have to sit them down and have a conversation, maybe also let his mum know so she can speak with him too.
I feel it’s such a shame though, as I had no issue with him staying over in a different room so they could spend more time together.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 21/10/2024 10:34

Have you spoken to her about it? I’d hear her out before I decided.

I guess the other thing is being clear about what you want to achieve. On any level making an agreement and then sticking to it isn’t acceptable, it’s a breach of trust. But are you worried because she is still so young, or that she might feel pressured into taking things too fast or moving too quickly, or that she might get pregnant? Basically are you against her having sex full stop or just would rather she didn’t do it in your house? Would you be fine with it when she’s older (like at uni), or does she have to be married! I find the clearer I am about why I am annoyed/ where my boundaries are the better I can explain myself!

I think I agree that no sleepovers for a while is probably proportionate but I also agree that you don’t want to be imposing rules which are impossible to stick to or which just encourage your DD to be secretive.

Windywandy · 21/10/2024 10:37

Your house and your rules.
She blatantly went against what you explicitly asked so there has to be consequences. If she is already pushing back boundaries and you don't enforce some consequence then you are in danger of totally losing any influence in her life. And in danger of losing control of what happens in your own home.
So yes you need to have a conversation with her about respect for you. And no more sleep overs until she shows she can be trusted .

Gizlotsmum · 21/10/2024 10:37

So I think you can separate the issues. The breaking of rules is unacceptable, especially after they agreed. So there are consequences for that. Then there is a discussion to be had about sharing the bed with someone you have only been dating for a short while, safe sex and emotional maturity. If they are sleeping together they will do it regardless of sharing a bed but they need to be safe and appreciate all the emotional as well as physical risks

mitogoshigg · 21/10/2024 10:45

Breaking rules is wrong but tbh you were naive to

mitogoshigg · 21/10/2024 10:45

Set such a rule because it was going to be broken (from a mother of 2 young adults ...)

MermaidEyes · 21/10/2024 10:47

Hmmm I agree she's lost your trust by not adhering to your rules but i think you're being a bit naive by allowing him to stay over after only 4 weeks. Together a few months? Fine, but not 4 weeks.

AllyCart · 21/10/2024 10:54

It seems that she has zero respect for you and your agreement, OP.

If they were going to sneak around and break the agreement, she could at least have done you the courtesy of trying to cover it up by them not being asleep together in her bed.

I can't even imagine being relaxed enough to have fallen asleep in that situation.

So disrespectful.

Renamed · 21/10/2024 10:56

The consequence is that you have an embarrassingly explicit conversation with the BF about barrier contraception and STIs …..

AgileGreenSeal · 21/10/2024 10:56

Ban him from the house.

VegasandPenny · 21/10/2024 10:56

‘What did we agree last night re. Sleeping arrangements And why was he in your bed at 5am? ‘

I’m not naive about teenagers having sex but no way would one of mine disrespect my house and rules like this.

you were very clear - they have disobeyed you. Don’t let this go - your house, your rules.

and he definitely would not be staying over until she has proven she has done respect for you.

to me this isn’t about what they did / didn’t do sexually - it is about complete lack of respect…

if they are going to have sex - nothing you can do will stop it - I would talk to her about not being pressured / contraception / safe sex etc too in order to keep her safe - but knowing they are likely to do it - doesn’t mean you have to facilitate it !

Attelina · 21/10/2024 10:58

Did you wake him up and frog March him downstairs in just his underpants?

Guaranteed he won't want to sleep round yours again!

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 21/10/2024 11:00

I would let it slide tbh.

My main focus would be contraception, consent, how comfortable she feels etc.

All you'll do by banning him from your house and telling his mum is pushing your dd away so she won't talk to you about these things.

The main thing here is that she knows she can come to you about anything without fear of judgement or punishment.

BunnyLake · 21/10/2024 11:00

It’s the blatant disrespect that would annoy me. When I stayed over at a bf’s parents when I was 19 I was given a sofa in a spare room to sleep in, I wouldn’t have gone against that as it would have been incredibly disrespectful.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 21/10/2024 11:01

My mum had this rule. Boyfriend slept on the couch but we shagged on the living room floor first! When he didn't stay he'd bike back home which was quite far.

I would have the same rule as you OP, and I would be annoyed because the two friends staying as well was clearly to test the waters only to then completely ignore you anyway.

Boyfriend will need to ensure he has a way to get home next time won't he? Or he has another friend to stay with until DD can show she can follow rules.

BCSurvivor · 21/10/2024 11:03

"I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time."

OP, four weeks is NOT being together a long time, particularly when your daughter is just 16!
I'm surprised you allowed her boyfriend to stay over after just 4 weeks together...4 months, yes, but 4 weeks?
You definitely need to address the boundary crossed, with both of them.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/10/2024 11:06

More importantly, is she on contraception? Does she need the morning after pill?

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