Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

225 replies

Californiadream456 · 21/10/2024 10:11

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:42

Ohhbaby · 21/10/2024 13:37

don’t make a big deal out of it and his parents don’t mind as long as it’s not at their house!"

Yeah same for you.
She cannot respect her bf's parents rules but not yours.

To me it's blatant disrespect.
I'd definitely put a consequence in place.

I remember when I was in uni I had also disobeyed a rule about bf's. My parents took my car away(said if we can't trust you, we aren't funding you to drive ) . I realise this may be ineffective if public transport is great. They also spoke to my boyfriend (well my dad did) and yeah it was pretty embarrassing but in hindsight I'm glad they not only set boundaries but actually followe through if I broke those rules.
I'm in my 20s now, with my own kids and appreciate their rules now.
Obviously I thought they were soooo behind (eyeroll ) at 18

At Uni? So you were an adult and they have you a consequence. Talk about infantalising you.

LoveSandbanks · 21/10/2024 13:43

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 10:16

I would have a conversation with both of them, making it embarrassingly explicit so that they desperately want to avoid another one! Seriously if they are grown up enough to sleep together then they need to be grown up enough to discuss all the potential consequences.

I’d also be inclined to say no to any more sleepovers for a period of time, maybe dependent on other areas of life in which they show their trustworthiness.

Definitely embarrass the fuck out of both of them. If they’re old enough to sleep together, they’re old enough to have a discussion about it. I’d also bring in contraception and really make it squirmy for them. I’d ban sleepovers for a relatively short time (he’d be too embarrassed anyway 🤣).

id have some fun with this.

Memyaelf · 21/10/2024 13:46

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:42

At Uni? So you were an adult and they have you a consequence. Talk about infantalising you.

Show quote history

Not infantilising.. applying rules and consequences for behaviour. This happens at every stage in life, including work and relationships. I applaud the poster for her mature understanding now.

BunnyLake · 21/10/2024 13:49

Memyaelf · 21/10/2024 13:46

Not infantilising.. applying rules and consequences for behaviour. This happens at every stage in life, including work and relationships. I applaud the poster for her mature understanding now.

Show quote history

Were you at home at the time? That’s the only way this would make some sort of sense.

oakleaffy · 21/10/2024 13:50

IamnotSethRogan · 21/10/2024 10:26

Well it's a tricky one. I'm sure I did the exact same thing at that age. Similarly, if they are sleeping together, they're actually going to do it and will find a way.

I really don't know what the answer is tbh. Kids sneaking around with their boy friends is hardly new, but I'm not sure if anyone has ever found the exact right way to handle it.

It's terribly exciting to sneak into your boyfriend's bed as a teenager- Even if it's ''innocent''.

The ''forbidden~ness'' is an allure in itself.

{I certainly did -and was a virgin til the age of 19}

When you go away and leave kids behind, they have friends to stay over anyway.

As long as contraception is in order {for boys as well as girls} I didn't worry.

16 is old enough to be 'sensible'.

longapple · 21/10/2024 13:51

"don’t make a big deal out of it and his parents don’t mind as long as it’s not at their house!"

if they didn't mind they would allow it in their house.

it's not about whether they had sex or not. You were lied to about the others staying, your were lied to about where they were going to sleep. That's not OK and I would not be happy to be told that I wasn't allowed to make a big deal of it.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:52

Memyaelf · 21/10/2024 13:46

Not infantilising.. applying rules and consequences for behaviour. This happens at every stage in life, including work and relationships. I applaud the poster for her mature understanding now.

Show quote history

Yes, rules that don't make any sense. An 18 year old is an adult and entitled to a private life, including who they choose to sleep with. It is really nothing to do with your parents.

tuberole · 21/10/2024 13:52

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.

I appreciate teen time is different to our own but I wouldn't call 4 weeks a long time.

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 13:56

The other thing is, it hasn’t been that long a relationship. Giving her a rule like that also offers her a get-out clause if she is feeling pressured. (Or, of course, the other way around.)
I would be really uncomfortable with my 16yo going straight into a sexual relationship after a bare month, for all sorts of reasons, and I don’t see that as unreasonable. I also don’t see it as unreasonable that boundaries exist around my space and what happens in it. I can’t imagine people saying “oh they’ll do it anyway, let them crack on” about smoking or drinking. There need to be boundaries around those edges to keep young people safe until they’ve learned their limits for themselves, so while you might say “you can have a party with alcohol” you might also stipulate nothing stronger than wine or beer is to be drunk there.

I have to say also that if I were the boy’s parents here, and had said “no sex at my house” I would be pretty disgruntled to learn that my son had gone straight out and broken that same rule at his girlfriend’s house. It looks sly and disrespectful towards girlfriend’s parents and I’d be horrified for that reason, and worried about how respectful of the girlfriend’s own boundaries; so he/they would be getting the same embarrassing talk from me about safe sex, contraception, and house rules.

Amyknows · 21/10/2024 13:57

VegasandPenny · 21/10/2024 10:56

‘What did we agree last night re. Sleeping arrangements And why was he in your bed at 5am? ‘

I’m not naive about teenagers having sex but no way would one of mine disrespect my house and rules like this.

you were very clear - they have disobeyed you. Don’t let this go - your house, your rules.

and he definitely would not be staying over until she has proven she has done respect for you.

to me this isn’t about what they did / didn’t do sexually - it is about complete lack of respect…

if they are going to have sex - nothing you can do will stop it - I would talk to her about not being pressured / contraception / safe sex etc too in order to keep her safe - but knowing they are likely to do it - doesn’t mean you have to facilitate it !

Agree. She lied and there has to be consequences for that.

AgileGreenSeal · 21/10/2024 13:57

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 12:36

She's not a child though is she? At 16 you have many more rights than at 15, plus OP reffered to college so arguably more grown up than school kid status. I would say emerging adult, theu definitely aren't children. Do you have any teens this age?

Show quote history

My are all in their 30s now, so I’ve been through the teens stage, yes.

LostittoBostik · 21/10/2024 14:00

Californiadream456 · 21/10/2024 10:31

I don’t know that they got up to anything…I’d like to think not but that is probably me being quite naive. I certainly remember what I was doing at 16!
There has been a lot of boundary pushing from her recently, and my threat of if you do it again that will be the last time, doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.
I will have to sit them down and have a conversation, maybe also let his mum know so she can speak with him too.
I feel it’s such a shame though, as I had no issue with him staying over in a different room so they could spend more time together.

Sorry but yes you're being (wilfully) naive - which is totally understandable.

I think keep it low key but just say no more sleepovers for the time being.

They will still be up to things though, so have an urgent contraception chat. I would offer to go with her to get the pill or implant.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 21/10/2024 14:00

"they're not bothered as long as it's not at their house" - so they are bothered then

a group sleepover that conveniently ended up as just her and her boyfriend

then the agreement in sleeping arrangements which was consequently ignored

for me, it would be the lying and breaking of trust that i would be focussing on.
i'd be very clear that's what i was angry/upset/disappointed at

we've had similar with DS1 a few times - consequence is always that his freedoms are reduced due to this broken trust. reduced, but not removed totally

we'd pick him up from parties/gatherings no later than 11, no extra 30 mins, no flexibility, he had to keep his location on (snapchat or find my iphone), he had to be clear on who he would be with - no vague "i think xy and z might be there" acceptable, and we would cross check with other parents

we'd also be very clear about why we were concerned - possible consequences etc

once he/they build some trust back up over a period (couple of weeks, a month - whatever you feel is appropriate), then they gain back some of those freedoms and flexibilities

shows that trust is hard earned (but not impossible to earn), and easily lost

LostittoBostik · 21/10/2024 14:01

Renamed · 21/10/2024 10:56

The consequence is that you have an embarrassingly explicit conversation with the BF about barrier contraception and STIs …..

I actually really like this

thursdaymurderclub · 21/10/2024 14:01

I'm curious to know why you looked in her bedroom at 5am and if i've missed it i am sorry. is that the usual time you got up?

ofcourse they were going to agree to any rules you made, and ofcourse they were going to break them.

they did go against your rules, but to be honest... didn't you expect it really?

Soontobe60 · 21/10/2024 14:04

AlmostAJillSandwich · 21/10/2024 11:29

What exactly is it you object to about them both being asleep in her bed?
If it's just that you're trying to control/prevent them having sex, then if they want to be having sex, they will be, surely better at home somewhere safe than what my peers were doing, in bushes in parks!
Also at 16, she's of legal age and its up to her to choose if she wants to be having sex, you don't have autonomy over her body or the right to "ban" her ffs. Also don't think parents get any say in them having sex in the comfort of their own room in their own home, it's THEIR home and safe space as much as yours.
You went to bed, they could so easily have just had sex in the livingroom before she came up to bed, so what is so wrong about them both physically sleeping beside eachother? You think he's going to wait for her to be sleeping and assault her? If you think he's so dangerous why let him sleep over at all, waiting for her to be asleep he could easily have stayed awake and crept up from downstairs if he'd wanted to, so really, what's the harm of having a cuddle and being asleep in the same bed?

This is not about preventing a child from having sex. It’s about a child defying their parents’ instructions.
OP, I’d have woke them both up the minute I saw them asleep in bed together and told him to go downstairs. Then I would have a very stern word about defying your instructions. If she thinks shes old enough to have sex, then shes old enough to understand the consequences of her actions.

Soontobe60 · 21/10/2024 14:06

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:52

Yes, rules that don't make any sense. An 18 year old is an adult and entitled to a private life, including who they choose to sleep with. It is really nothing to do with your parents.

Show quote history

If they still live with their parents, then they follow the rules set by the parents too. If they want to have sex, get a bloody hotel room!

MeridianB · 21/10/2024 14:07

Definitely an overnight ban - until New Year.

When you speak to her you may also want to mention how a 16yo sleeping with a boy she’s only been going with for four weeks isn’t ideal.

longapple · 21/10/2024 14:07

rights?!
wtf
I'm in my 40s and my parents would be pretty pissed off with me if I was staying at their house and they said, I don't know, please don't walk on the new carpet with shoes on, and I agreed, then snuck down at night and did it anyway, It's rude.
COMPLETELY different if I said 'hang on, I'm 40 I can be trusted to make sure my shoes are clean' and discussed it with them, but it's still their house and their call, if they said no I either do as I'm told or don't stay. You don't wait until they're not looking and do it anyway even if you think they're wrong, it's disrespectful.
(I wouldn't argue to wear my shoes on a new carpet, that was just a random example, before I get jumped on for being 'grim' 😂)

Elizo · 21/10/2024 14:09

I would say stop him staying over for a while, but will she then possibly go elsewhere for sleepovers? I guess he planned to get downstairs before you woke up

Whalewatching · 21/10/2024 14:10

Honest op, I think allowing them sleepovers at this age and then trying to put restrictions on them is asking for trouble.

Also, are your daughters friends parents aware that you’re allowing boys stay over? It’s all very well to be the parent that’s down with the kids but if I was one of the other children’s parents and didn’t know this was the deal, I’d be fairly pissed off.

MyMauveWasp · 21/10/2024 14:11

BunnyLake · 21/10/2024 13:49

Were you at home at the time? That’s the only way this would make some sort of sense.

Show quote history

As far as I read. Yes the DM was at home.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 14:14

Soontobe60 · 21/10/2024 14:06

If they still live with their parents, then they follow the rules set by the parents too. If they want to have sex, get a bloody hotel room!

Show quote history

I was clearly quoting the poster, 'ohhbaby' who was commenting on her parents consequence for a person at university and her Dad discussing it with the boyfriend as his daughter as an 18 year old adult was a possession.

Surprise50 · 21/10/2024 14:18

MeridianB · 21/10/2024 14:07

Definitely an overnight ban - until New Year.

When you speak to her you may also want to mention how a 16yo sleeping with a boy she’s only been going with for four weeks isn’t ideal.

It’s normal for young people to have sex very early on now - it’s nothing like back in the day.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 21/10/2024 14:18

angellinaballerina7 · 21/10/2024 10:19

No more sleepovers, they proved immediately they weren’t trustworthy so now they need to regain that trust.

👆🏽 this x1000 and also it's just a bad idea to let them sleep over at this age. It encourages them to think they are in a real relationship, it makes it harder to end things. It encourages sex at an early age. If they are going down that route let them struggle to find a free afternoon when parents are out - no need to make it easy for them.