DD let new bf sleep in her bed after being told it wasn’t allowed…how would you deal with this?

[Californiadream456]

So DD 16, had her bf (of 4 weeks) come over last night along with another couple of their friends. She has asked if they could all stay over the night and catch the bus to college together this morning. I agreed, but said the 2 boys were to sleep downstairs and the 2 girls upstairs.
Her new bf lives a 45min drive away, the others a re fairly local. She told me after they’d all arrived the other 2 were getting picked up at 10.30pm as needed to get home.
So, this just left her and her new bf, who is lovely and polite, I spoke to them both before I went to bed and made it very clear a number of times, that she would have to sleep upstairs and he needed to sleep downstairs, they both agreed.
I woke up at 5am, looked in her room and he was in her bed with her, both fast asleep.

I’m not necessarily against them having a sleepover, when they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s more the fact that I set strict boundaries which they agreed too and then have been totally ignored by the both of them.
How would others go forward with this? Let it slide? Ban him from staying again? Some other form of consequence?

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s your house and your rules. When I was first dating my DH I was 23, I stayed over his family home about 6 months into the relationship and I wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same room. I slept in his room and he was on a camp bed in the front room.

I had been living by myself for a few years so obviously didn’t have the same issue with my parents. But we respected his parents wishes for a few more sleep overs and when they were fine with it.

At 18 it is about respecting the fact that you 'are' an adult and with that comes a right to a private life. It is controlling behaviour to have conditions and consequences and your friends had the same experience, absolutely bizarre. I didn't know anyone at uni that even discussed their parents let alone worrying about punishments dished out for actions their parents didn't agree with. You can disagree with your 18 year old but you can only guide them as it is up to them!

I do agree that different rules can be in place once they’re home. Not any old rule that doesn’t make sense but certain rules or expectations of behaviour are fine.

I wouldn’t be letting him stay again after they both went against your rule.

To young ones now, sex is just sex, it’s fun, it’s what everyone does, it’s not how it used to be back in the day, ie wait until you’ve being going out x months etc.

Idk 🤷‍♀️ lol.. regardless. It’s not about sex, it’s about respect for the parental house rules.

Haha. My mother went through my personal stuff and found a letter I wrote to my pen pal about my boyfriend and where I wrote that we had ‘explored’ each other. (No sex). Her response was to sit me down like a naughty schoolgirl (I was 16) and tell me I was so wrong and what did I know about contraception in a very confrontational way. (I was already on the pill by about 3 months, without her knowledge, as I had been with my boyfriend for 6-months.)

It's not 100% the same though is it? The no sleepover in the bed can only really be an attempt to prevent/control legal sexual behaviour. An equivalent would be saying, "in my house you are forbidden from using tampons, you must use sanitary towels. If you go elsewhere and use tampons, that's up to you, but in my house it's sanitary towels only" then checking the bathroom bin afterwards.

No one likes to think of their 16 year old having sex, but they do and it's their body and their legal right. Don't back them into corners and force them to choose between lying and riskier sex.

Ban him from staying again, change the WiFi password and, if you pay her phone, cut it off for a couple of weeks ... actions have consequences

Absolutely ridiculous advice!

You're welcome to parent your 18 year old any way you like, darlin.
I don't think parents can't have rules. If my parents said no smoking in our house, then that's a rule. "They're 18, they can have their own private life."
Sure not in my home or on my account. Easy.
And it doesn't just happen between parents and children . Friends, workplaces.
"Sorry I don't want you drinking at my 5 year olds birthday party"
" Sorry I don't want vaping in the car"
Sorry you cannot borrow my car again if it smells like smoke when you return it"

Everything in life has consequences. Really parents are the only ones that have other people tell them "your child is allowed a private life".
If my friend did something I explicitly asked her not to, I wouldnt have her over/lend her my shoes/give her money, whatever.

So your 18 year old isn't entitled to any privacy, what none? That's outrageous.

Exactly! If they were as 'adult ' as MN suggests they are, they wouldn't be sneaking around.

She is 16, not ‘university age’. Accepting that your child is now an adult doesn’t mean they can ignore any rules you set in your own home.
No shoes indoors, no dirty plates left in bedrooms, tidy up after yourself when cooking, no smoking in the house… these are all rules that some people may have. The OP had explicitly told her DD that the boys were to sleep downstairs. Her DD went against her DM. It’s totally irrelevant as to whether the DM was being wrong or petty or old fashioned with her rule.

TBH you sound a bit over invested in the sex lives of teens. I’ve read surveys where the majority of teens actually don’t have sex. How do you know that they do? Did you ask them?

No, it's not the same. But it doesnt change the fact that agreeing then going against what was agreed is rude. I'd be expecting him to still be trying to make a good impression on her parents at this stage.

I'd also argue that allowing sleepovers in the same bed 4 weeks into a relationship at 16 is putting both of them into a situation where if they haven't already had sex they are very likely to get carried away and do so before they would have otherwise chosen, that in itself makes them less likely to have discussed contraception.
I know plenty of friends who did more than they intended at parties where everyone stayed over because things went further than they intended in the night when everyone else was asleep and they were embarrassed to say no to someone they liked, or they didn't want to wake everyone up or didn't want to be called frigid. They put themselves in a situation where they weren't mature enough to recognise what was likely to happen or to remove themselves from the situation when they stopped feeling comfortable. Encouraging a child into that situation isn't protecting their rights. It's not protecting them at all.

As op said, when they've been together longer she'll be happy to consider him sleeping over. This was deceitful and disrespectful. Not the actions of someone I would consider mature.

You do realise it’s ok to talk about sex don’t you? Sex is a normal, healthy part of life and relationships?

I know the OP's DD is 16 and I have posted that again and again that I was responding to the complicated dynamic of 'ohhbaby' - perhaps comprehension isn't your thing.

I wouldn't say it is irrelevant as it is also about how reasonable this rule is. That said, it probably is at 4 weeks relationship.

Ha, my mum would have come flying in ripping the covers off!
But, it would never have happened as boys were never allowed to stay over.
Now I'm an adult and I agree with her. I'm sorry your trust was compromised but I can't see any good from parents letting teen bf/gf sleepovers.

I mean, it’s classic 16 year old behaviour 🤣. I had two boyfriends (not at the same time!) when I was 16 and I did exactly the same thing when staying at their houses. I think their parents knew but chose to ignore it. My house was a bit trickier as the spare room was miles from my bedroom, and there were a lot of creaky floorboards in between!

I think the only thing you can do is ban sleepovers until a point where you’d be happy for them to share a bed.

The last thing I'd do would be to talk to his mum.

I would be pretty careful around all of this as you risk alienating your DD further.
I say that because at her age, it's easy for that resistance etc that you've been seeing in her recently to get way worse.

I'd start by looking at the basic scenario:

Your DD and this bf sleep together, are physically close, and if they haven't had full sex yet, they will do.

You won't be able to stop this and nor should you. They are 16. It's their choice and right.

This can happen with a fight with you, with ultimatums (likely to be broken), with dissent and unhappiness and your DD feeling you don't understand and somehow don't respect them and making them feel awkward and yet still closer together (against the world... aka you).

Or you can take the next step on the journey as a mother and accept it. And work with.

If he was bad, dangerous, criminal and a host of other things that might harm your DD, I'd take a different line. But he isn't. Luckily, he's lovely. So the relationship is good, she's better off with it than without it. It will be stabilising and a source of comfort and happiness. She will be much nicer with it.

In this scenario now, I would say to them in the morning:

Look, you guys, I understand. It's ok. I understand it was too hard to make you not be together in the same house. So from now on, I don't mind. When he comes over, you can stay together.

That's it. And just accept it and be grateful that she has a nice bf and is learning in a controlled and safe way how to be a young adult woman.

I'd make sure contraception was sorted.

and decide what you want your ground rules to be. You could present it as a privilege that is being granted. Because they will be so grateful that they'll do anything to keep the privilege.

Get them to clean the house, wash the car, mow the lawn haha no really. Maybe thinking what you want them to do as part of this deal. That makes it all feel more like you have some form of control.

I think it's naive to think that after 4 weeks together they wouldn't 'choose' to have sex. They are 16. They are not really children. Or rather, they are children but now also something else. They are hormone-driven procreation-focused energies.

Now, you can attempt to manage this energy by saying they can't sleep together at your house. If he can't go in her bedroom, they will be together on the sofa. Will they be banned from the living room? If they can't sit on the same sofa, they will go for a walk. And kiss and potentially do a lot more in a park or forest.

This is how it is. If they want to do it, they will find somewhere to do it.

Personally I'd rather control that a bit and I would prefer my daughter to be with her bf tucked up in bed at home rather than out in a park.

There's always the debate that if you allow it, you facilitate and maybe even encourage it. But if you don't allow it, 999/1000 times they will find a way anyhow.

Up to you whether you want open dialogue and being somehow in with a chance of controlling or at least knowing what's going on, or whether you want to be not spoken to about anything and on some level rejected.

Because what they are doing is natural instinct and it is not bad. It is good for them, most likely. It makes them happy. Like all of us. And yes they're learning but better you're still in the picture then a bit, rather than being fought against.

in my humble opinion

if they were that adult, they'd be able to sleep in the same room without any question.

The analogy of the shoes on a new carpet is, imo, totally inappropriate - just isn't the same thing at all.

Does she know you look in on her every morning?
I find that slightly weird and invasive, she's not a little kid and should have privacy.

I get that you had rules but I'm guessing she felt they were too strict as she's "not a child and can do what she wants".

You almost set her up to fail by being so authoritarian about it, maybe try talking with her about your reasoning such as her safety etc so she has the opportunity to reply and alleviate your fears, so you can both come to some sort of mutually respectful solution.