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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

224 replies

OurNev · 16/10/2024 16:56

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

OP posts:
crackfoxy · 16/10/2024 16:58

I think this is really mean. Also when that inheritance comes I would be splitting it between both sons. Honestly some families are just awful!

Genevieva · 16/10/2024 16:59

I wouldn’t expect your older son to inherit a portion of it, but I would expect him to be able to stay there. Presumably it is sitting empty and he would cover his electricity costs.

SmellyScrambler · 16/10/2024 17:00

It does seem mean but what can you do? It’s her house.

I find the division of money less . People sometimes do this on the basis that your son has another side of the family to inherit from.

Ozanj · 16/10/2024 17:00

It sucks but it’s not on extended family to equalise things for your sons. It’s on you. So if your youngest gets money from the sale all you can do is make sure, when the time comes, that your son gets a bigger share of whatever you own.

Original poster
OurNev · 16/10/2024 17:00

It will be saved by my SiL and given to my youngest directly before or after university.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 16/10/2024 17:01

It hurts, doesn’t it? After 20 years of creating a blended family my son was not included as a sibling at his stepbrother’s wedding. They all had a role except him, the phrase “not blood” was used. It created a deep wound that will never heal, I’ll never see my stepson the same way again.

FamilyPhoto · 16/10/2024 17:04

We had similar, DH's stepmum's sister had a holiday home in Ibiza. Fil and SMIL had taken SMIL's grandchildren on holiday there many times and were excited for my DS to go with them for a long weekend when he was 10. The sister refused as he wasnt " family".
In our case SMIL ( who was his grandma, blood relation or not) never went there again and couldnt understand her sister's behaviour.

Chasingsquirrels · 16/10/2024 17:04

Not letting him stay seems odd.

I wouldn't expect him to benefit from the property proceeds though.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 16/10/2024 17:05

Provided that he isn't going to use it for raves and totally trash it, this is mean.

HildaHosmede · 16/10/2024 17:05

Not letting him stay and excluding him in that way is mean. I'd be furious and would absolutely expect dh to be furious with me and bring this up with his relatives.

However, I wouldn't expect your eldest to inherit from it tbh. I think it's odd that you would.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2024 17:06

I wouldn't expect your oldest son to inherit. Presumably he has his own paternal relations to inherit from?

coffeesaveslives · 16/10/2024 17:06

Not letting him stay is mean, but I wouldn't expect him to inherit any money from the sale of the house.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 16/10/2024 17:07

Unless your DH has adopted your son, I think the inheritance is fair enough to be honest. It might not be the case, but theoretically your eldest could inherit from his dad’s side of the family, while your youngest son wouldn’t.

But I’d be furious that he wasn’t allowed to stay, and if DH didn’t speak up and say that he IS part of his family, then I’d be furious with him too.

MounjaroUser · 16/10/2024 17:07

crackfoxy · 16/10/2024 16:58

I think this is really mean. Also when that inheritance comes I would be splitting it between both sons. Honestly some families are just awful!

The OP doesn't have any right to do that!

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 17:08

I agree with others, your oldest not inheriting is fine, but I can’t see what the issue is with him being allowed to stay there for a week. That feels like being nasty just for the sake of it.

cstaff · 16/10/2024 17:09

The inheritance is slightly different but people have their own view on adopted kids being entitled to this or not but the use of the house is just mean and no need for it.

Wellingtonspie · 16/10/2024 17:10

crackfoxy · 16/10/2024 16:58

I think this is really mean. Also when that inheritance comes I would be splitting it between both sons. Honestly some families are just awful!

You can’t steal the other child’s inheritance and split it. Thats not how inheritance works it would be illegal.

stichguru · 16/10/2024 17:10

It's odd and unkind, but it's their house and their money so they can do what they like with it!

Original poster
OurNev · 16/10/2024 17:11

My husband is laughing almost hysterically. He just thinks they’re being precious.

I do see how they would not want a step-relative to inherit but to not leave it to the second generation in order that it didn’t trickle down by default to my eldest is utterly calculated.

OP posts:
Wellingtonspie · 16/10/2024 17:11

It is a little bit mean to not let him stay there. I think the scout thing is different though they rented it so paid.

oakleaffy · 16/10/2024 17:13

BIossomtoes · 16/10/2024 17:01

It hurts, doesn’t it? After 20 years of creating a blended family my son was not included as a sibling at his stepbrother’s wedding. They all had a role except him, the phrase “not blood” was used. It created a deep wound that will never heal, I’ll never see my stepson the same way again.

That’s so hurtful to the stepchild- ( I am one!)
I had a supposed grandparent talk about my half brother as her first TRUE Grandchild
I never called her Granny
always by her first name.

SometimesCalmPerson · 16/10/2024 17:13

It’s mean that they won’t let your son use the home if they’ve allowed others who are students to stay with their friends. I would understand more if they hadn’t met your ds until he was older or if you hadn’t been married long.

The inheritance is different and there’s no right or wrong when it comes to including step children. Everyone gets to make their own choice, but people don’t have the right to insist that their step child is treated like a biological one by their extended family.

EmeraldIsla · 16/10/2024 17:13

OurNev · 16/10/2024 17:11

My husband is laughing almost hysterically. He just thinks they’re being precious.

I do see how they would not want a step-relative to inherit but to not leave it to the second generation in order that it didn’t trickle down by default to my eldest is utterly calculated.

Or they just feel that the second generation is financially secure and would rather help the next generation … ?

Original poster
OurNev · 16/10/2024 17:14

@Wellingtonspie I mention the scouts and an abseiling group because they are more likely to trash the place than my lovely boy.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 16/10/2024 17:15

The inheritance thing is fine.

Him not being allowed to stay in the holiday home is cunty. Remove yourself from the family since you’re not ‘blooooooood’. Ignore all get-togethers and tell them all to fuck off at Christmas.

And why is your DH laughing at it? Is he okay?

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