My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

[OurNev]

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

I don’t think your husband should be laughing while you’re so upset over this issue.

He needs to step up & explain to his family that excluding his stepson from this holiday home is not acceptable and will affect family relationships going forward if they can’t see the unfairness of it.

The will is different, in my opinion.

Why on earth should they include your DS in their inheritance? He's not their grandson.

However, not letting him use it is mean.

My adopted daughter doesn’t have my eyes or her dad’s smile but that doesn’t mean she isn’t just as much a part of our family.

I find it really sad that “blood” is considered so important in some families. It simply isn’t and has never been a big deal in mine. Both my birth and adopted child are treated exactly the same way as each other and their cousins. My parents ensured their wills wouldn’t (unintentionally) exclude our DD because she isn’t blood.

I don't see anything of me and my family in my grand-daughters but I smile at them just the same. They are both totally gorgeous. It sounds rather narcissistic to only love the bits of children that reflect you and your side of the family.

Sounds like you've benefited a lot from the holiday house over the decades whilst not contributing anything, whilst second cousin as 'worked tirelessly' to manage the property. Maybe she's fed up of grandchildren using it as a party house and her second cousin's stepchild and random friends are just pushing it too far - if you've never contributed to maintenance etc you are being quite cheeky.
Expecting an inheritance from a step grandparent is odd.

A parent has no legal power to redistribute an inheritance left to their child(ren)
So do the other grand children stay over in the house with groups of friends OP? It's such an odd reason for refusal I'm wondering is it the combination of 'not blood plus random university students' that's caused it?
Obviously your MIL knows your son well but does DHs second cousin?

That is so mean. I wonder if that is the real reason or if sister-in-law or whoever was told, misunderstood. It's possible, as they let to scout groups and the like, it is not available at that time, or other family members are staying and it's full.

I find it difficult to believe your son would be excluded on the grounds of being a step-child, especially as he has known the family since the age of two and you've been married for such a long time.

There’s no reason he should inherit, but it seems mean not letting him stay there.

I kind of see the point.

Obviously your son is your family and your DH's family. But the other owners are not close enough, and there are a few of them. That plenty opens the door to "if we allow him we'd have to allow xyz and abc", whether wrt this house or anything else in their lives that has consequences for other people. You also don't know all the back history for every single owner: what if they'd previously said no to someone who isn't an immediate member of the family? It muddies the waters when it comes to divorces, second marriages, children and grandchildren who don't get on - the matrix of this sort of relationship has the potential to be very complex.

I think you and your son are going to have to treat these people as the distant relatives they think they are to him and you. You know what your boys mean to you and your DH, and that's ultimately what matters (does your eldest have family through his dad?).

@thepariscrimefiles snd @ExperiencedTeacher I don’t ’only’ love the bits of my family reflected in my kids. I love that in addition to all the other bits of them, and of my fostered children.

Honestly it’s not hard. There is an extra connection when you see bits of your family in your kids. I see things I dislike as well. Half my family are arseholes. My dad, however, was lovely and is now dead so I do very much appreciate the occasional reminder of him in my son.

To deny that is just, impractical and a bit odd. It’s not a reason to justify poor behaviour, but it is an additional element.

I expect him not being allowed to stay with a group of uni mates in the holiday home is a lot more to do with them not wanting it trashed or complaints from neighbours about the noise. Even the loveliest groups of 18 year olds can be messy and noisy.

The inheritance thing is fair enough - not your money, not your decision.

I agree that it is mean to not allow your son to use the house, especially if other young adults members of the family have been allowed to go with friends in the past (you don't say if that is the case)

Whilst it would be nice if your son had been included in the list of grandchildren who the proceeds of the sale would be split between, I don't think it's that shocking or unreasonable for him to be excluded

I don’t know why they won’t let him stay I think that’s just mean.

I think I understand the bit about the inheritance- the family are taking steps to ensure it doesn’t filter to your husband for him then to share as he is likely to share it equally to all the children in his family. That’s mean - to go to that much effort? Will your husband still inherit something to pass down as he wishes regardless ?

Trust me this is why it’s been done so my eldest wouldn’t get a pitiful few grand in a few decades’ time.

This is a huge leap to make unless there’s a clear reason.

It’s normal for families who are lucky enough to have these choices to want to help the younger generation. Your DHs generation are already set up and won’t be leaving their legacy for a long while yet, so it’s common sense to have the money there so that the younger ones have a start in life.

I understand that it will hurt to have your two children being treated differently, but it was inevitable at some point.

How have they treated your son when you’ve seen them over the years? Are they fair for birthdays and Christmas? Have other family groups of students been allowed to stay in the holiday home?

It does hurt, a lot. After 17 years of created a blended family too my daughter was not invited to her stepsister's wedding either. No reason given, at least not to me. My daughter is still in touch, she even called her stepsister to annouce her pregnancy. Better than me, I wouldn't have bothered but my daughter still care for her.

Him not being allowed to use it is mean but I do see the point about him not inheriting anything from it

I wouldn't expect him to inherit either, but that's quite the presumption.

I find it difficult to believe your son would be excluded on the grounds of being a step-child, especially as he has known the family since the age of two and you've been married for such a long time.

Nowt so queer as folks.

Why does your dh laugh??

I see absolutely no issue with the inheritance, you can call it calculated but it doesn’t read like your DH has contributed to it (and maybe others in the second generation) so it’s possibly to prevent those who didn’t help just getting the reward too. The fact it’s only going to blood relatives isn’t unreasonable, if your DS’s dad was a millionaire would you expect him to make sure your youngest got a decent inheritance?

Its quite unkind to not let him stay because he’s not biologically their family though, I’d be hurt by that too.

I think they are mean not letting him stay for a week. However, the inheritance issue is a different thing. They can leave their money to whoever they want and I understand them wanting children who are related to the receiving the money over step children. Your son has his own paternal family who he may or may not inherit from. That's the joy of blended families.

this^ is my view as well

I suspect the DH laughing is part of years of bullying/scapegoating the OP’s son.

Otherwise why the guffaws? He’s enjoying it.

Agree with the majority. It seems mean not to let him stay, but very odd that you expect him to inherit from them.

presumably a long and sordid history of this kind of behaviour with your pathetic husband grinning inanely throughout