My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

[OurNev]

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

Are you certain your son is being refused because of the lack of blood connection? I wouldn’t lend my house to a group of 18 year olds. Scouts would be supervised by adults, and insured.

But that's a different scenario, isn't it?

If your child had their own child and a stepchild, would you cut your child out of inheriting and give money straight to your biological grandchild instead (to stop your step-grandchild from benefiting from anything you left your child).

I get that for some people it makes sense not to leave anything to your step-children, but cutting out your own children because they have a step-child seems rather more extreme to me.

You can't take money from inheritance from one named son and just decide to give it to his brother. Unless it is your inheritance it doesn't belong to you. It will have specified names of who is to inherit what. When your younger DS is 18 height decide to gift his brother half but that will be his choice once he is 18.

Of course you would, and I would have died for my foster children. I never could understand the people who would say ‘but of course you love your own more, you’d put your own first.’ etc.

That wasn’t true for me, though I know not all foster carers bonded with every child.

In many ways, a particular pair of foster children were more like me than my own DC. We shared a lot of interests and tendencies that my own didn’t as they were by and large very like their dad (apart from glimpses of my dad).

That doesn’t mean it isn’t true that an additional connection exists between people who are related. Like, I share a connection with my brother that I don’t share with my husband.

I really don’t understand what value there is in denying that.

I may massively prefer my Sister in law to my brother, but none the less, my brother and I have something she and I don’t.

I've not looked up previous threads. I assumed that the child in question was treated as a family member, as they have known him since the age of two and because of the OPs reaction to the situation - but I guess I expect other people to to go by the same moral compass as me.

As I said, to make it so clear that he is "isn't a part of the family', so won't inherit over such a paltry amount, is petty, vindictive and extremely controlling in my mind (but again, you do you). Why risk such a divide in the family over 'a couple of grand' unless to make a vicious point. Again, we are not talking about a 200 acre country pile with a title attached.

And yes, people are free to do what they want with their money when they're gone, I think it just shows who they are. Good for them.

Why does she get to keep it. Your his mum and dad you do as you see fit if you want to split it between the boys. What's sil got to do with your financial matters.

I've just seen pp about this being an ongoing issue OP. Just a thought but for your eldest sons sake please stop knocking on that door for them to let him in and accept him. Can you imagine the rejection he feels every time he gets wind of mum battling with in laws who don't want him. It just makes what they're doing more prominent to him. Yes they're awful people but just cut them out of his life as much as is practically possible and if they're that morally skewed think abiut how much you want them around your youngest too. Yes they're blood to youngest but do you really want people in his life who can see another human as collateral not worth protecting like they do your oldest. I wouldn't. Also you dh has to answer for why he allows his family to be so ingrained like this, it seems you'd do far better off by keeping them a very long arms length from your little unit and just accept and move on so the kids don't have to keep reliving this nightmare.

@Nazzywish As the house is owned by several family members, I'm guessing that it's held in a Trust and the SIL is a Trustee who's been instructed to sell the house in a couple of years and distribute the funds in accordance with the other Trustee's wishes. Perhaps the younger son's money will be held by the Trust until he's 18?

The OP and her DH absolutely couldn't access that money and split it between the boys, it would be illegal as it belongs only to their younger son.

Once he's 18 and has been given his money, HE can give his brother some if he wishes.

Bunch of cunts and I'd tell them so

OP’s youngest son walked out on her when she tried to ban him from seeing cousins that hadn’t included his brother in organizing an anniversary event. He knows his brother isn’t their grandchild and doesn’t expect them to consider him
one. Her husband also made it clear to her that he wouldn’t support her in that.

Op’s husband doesn’t expect them to assume those roles and never has. Op isn’t unaware of this, and it doesn’t seem like she ever has been.

Ah yes. Op should read the thread by the mother who’s terribly hurt her younger daughters who off the top of my head now adults pretty much hate her because she stopped them going to family events and such if their older half sister wasn’t invited.

Mother was over compensating due to her oldests family not being involved expected the new dh’s family to step in and take over and was out raged when the oldest was treated nicely but not as family. Now she’s paying the price because he younger children want that family and resent their mother for stopping the relationship. Her husman is also on his children’s side.

Blended family fun. You shouldn’t expect anything other than polite. They didnt choice to have a blended family they don’t have to accept a sudden new grandchild or niece or nephew.

It could be but OP could find out.

I'm sure OP will be totally fine with it if he doesn't...

I remember that thread. They also resented the older sister for being the reason they couldn’t have a relationship with their paternal family.

These threads always go the same way - resentment between siblings is a terrible outcome if it’s the eldest that’s resentful. If it’s the youngest? Perfectly acceptable, and also fuck the youngest because how dare they not share the opinion of their mother.

OP chose to marry someone when she knew her in laws didn’t consider her child their grandchild/nephew. She knew her husband respected the fact they felt that way and wasn’t going to cut off his relationship with them because of it. She then chose to have another child knowing said child would have a completely different relationship with their paternal family than her eldest had with theirs. Now she’s choosing to blow up nearly two decades down the line and alienating her in laws, husband, and youngest son.

I did wonder if that's why but was done!! And that's pure nasty.

With passing of our GPs and DPs the money has come to their children to be distributed how they deem appropriate.

Can't imagine have a 2yr old in family fir 15yrs and NOT treating them as family but that's an individual's choice I suppose.

We have birth /adopted/fostered and step kids and they are all treated the same.

Yes it’s always on the youngest to consider the older siblings feelings and to share and to miss out on things to be fair.

Rather than teaching the older siblings that it might not be fair but it’s also not the youngest fault or the step adults. The blame lays fully at their absent parents and their families feet.

The jealousy lays fully on the resident parents feet who rather than teach would rather blame and expect everyone else to bend.

Step grannies and grandpas and uncles and aunts owe no more than polite relationship with curtesy gifts and cards with acknowledgement of their birthdays and such.

They are not owed inheritance or to be included in every family thing that’s arranged via the step dad’s family.

Yes they should be invited if the whole household is but even then once they become an adult or move out I’d say even that is no longer a given.

I get it. I have a DSS and been married to his father for 15 years.

My side of the family also has some properties and other valuable heirlooms.

No way is anything that has been passed down from great grandparents to myself and my DC going to be shared with DSS.
These are family items and besides the money value they also have a sentimental value. If they were sold and split, again, it's great grand pa Hugos inheritance. My DSS would not have an interest or connection with this man. He's not part of DSS family history.

In MN terms that's cruel, but it's the reality, so just accept it.

As for staying & using the holiday home, I think it's mean but maybe there is something we don't know...

A startlingly high percentage of stories on here are about insensitive, narrow, self-centred people.

I have biological grandchildren and step grandchildren and apparently soon to be adopted step grandchildren and I still think blood is thicker than water. I love them all but the "blood" grandchildren are just precious. They will receive any inheritance from me.

Just out of interest if it suddenly transpired that your eldest grandchild was accidentally mixed with another at birth would you disinherit them? As they are no longer a blood relation? Whatever you feel for your step/adopted family it's not love

Depressing isn't it?

I think it's horrible behaviour if the house is empty. I've got a holiday home and I'd rather have someone staying there than it being empty. I let extended family, including former foster DC, stay there with their friends, and we let all our friends and my adult DC's friends use it for free too. I can't see the point of having a nice house that sits unused and empty half the time. Apart from anything else insurance companies don't like insuring houses that remain empty a lot of the time.

Values have changed, not always for the better.

My grandfather was in the army during the first World War, 1914 -18. My grandmother was left to cope with the children - and he kept producing them each time he came home on leave.

She was lonely and strayed, having two who were not his. Uncle Ray and (I think) Uncle Teddy. When I went to London to seek my fortune in 1962 before most of you reading this were born I stayed with my uncle Ray. He ran off at 16 and joined the Navy

After the war my grandfather brought all the chidren up as his own. He was the choirmaster in St. Anne's church in Sale near Manchester. Rumour in the family had it that he also had a child in Germany after the war.

Is there a chance they are just not keen for uni students to stay?

What if your husband said he wanted to take his step son there for the week?

A lot of the time this sort of issue is about communication. I think your husband should say to the cousin that she is being cruel and it’s causing sadness in his family. He should say that while his step son would never expect to inherit a portion of the cottage in the event if it’s sale, letting him stay in a cottage he has stayed in on family holidays and that is sitting empty is not only a harmless and kind thing to do, but is good for the house, especially at this damp time of year. He begs the cousin to reconsider.