My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

[OurNev]

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

I wouldn't want three teenage boys staying either tbh. My son is also very sensible but I wouldn't trust him and two of his friends to take care of the place in the same way I would. I also wouldn't expect a step child to inherit.

I am a bit 🙄 about the not letting him stay in the house. But we don’t know if that means they will lose rental income, I assume he is very welcome when the whole family is there from the OPs previous updates.

The OP hasn’t mentioned where her sons DF is, I suspect he is a shitty absent father, which is tough for her son - but equally not her DHs extended family’s problem either.

I also don’t agree re the length of time either, I have known some of my friends children for 10 years plus, but they are not in my will as we are not related. Likewise my step nephews are not in my will or my parents, it was my brothers choice to marry a women with 2 small children, not ours. They have a dad and a whole other family we are not part of, when we make plans and they are not with their father they are equally included which is all you can expect and ask for IMO.

Wow that is terrible and very petty about the stay.
My step MIL has always treated her step kids, my husband and his brother as equal as her own kids and our children as her own grandchildren. When her dad died each of the 4 kids got the same amount of money as a gesture. My FIL and SMIL are extremely generous.

Neither me or my DH has prior children, but I can't see either of us acting that way.

I think above all else, this upsets me because they are willing to exclude a family member (that they have known since he was two), because they are not 'blood' and make that person feel awful, not a 'real' member of the family, over a few grand. It's not like we are talking about a 200 acre country seat with a title. It's just quite cruel, petty and ultimately done to make a point.

And, if my partner brought a child from a previous relationship, into the family that I had known since he was two, and he was now a young adult - I would absolutely expect him to be treated the same. Especially if 'blood' is so important. He would be my partners child - so why would I not expect them to be treated the same?

That sounds illegal.

how so? breaking what law?

My husband is laughing almost hysterically.
you should start a thread about your bloody weird husband OP

How?

Friend's children are totally different.

My niece and nephew are not in my will either. But if that's the road you are going down - then I think you should include all fairly (if you have known them since they were tiny).

My kids will inherit everything we have - I am not related to either of them. But they are my family. I married my husband in my 30s, if he had a child from a previous relationship, they would inherit equally too. Because that step child would be a part of him.

What are you talking about? What if your kids look and act nothing like you?

My son is adopted and I'd die to protect his little toe.

Probably in trust as they don’t trust op not to split the money or the brother not to give in to op. Sensible really.

Mean family. Sad. But nothing you can do. I would get your son to have a holiday elsewhere with friends if at all possible.

It's only "fair" if OP's parents similarly skip the OP' generation with their inheritance.

Is mean but sadly often the case in second marriages. My dds haven't been invited to a family meal because they aren't family and we've been married many years.
It hurts

@Edingril @earlylunch I think what @fashionqueen0123 means is that if money/proceeds from a property sale is left directly to children A & B, the SIL can’t give any of it to other children in the family.

Even if they’re minors, the money still belongs to A & B. When they’re adults, they could decide to give some of it to other people, but no one else can make that decision.

My DSC aren’t inheriting from me, and I will have a lot more to pass on than DH, from my family. Honestly find it a bit odd anyone would expect them to.

They wouldn’t be using my family’s holiday home either, especially not with a group of student friends.

If you think that's bad, my sister is married to a man who is from his mum's first marriage. When he was 2 his mother remarried, had two more children and they were very much a family. The stepfather adopted him and BIL has his surname. When dsis and BIL had their first child all was good. When his sister (the bio child of both his mum and dad) had her first child, his parents announced that they were delighted to announce the birth of their first grandchild. BIL already had 2 dc by this stage. It caused so much hurt all round, but they didn't see it that way at all.

Ah yes that makes sense thanks, sorry yes you can't give someone else's money away

That isn't the reverse of the OP's situation, though.

He's not adopted- he's a stepchild. Enormous difference!
However, @OurNev , I absolutely understand your frustrated and upset at your son not being allowed to stay at the home. That's incredibly cruel, especially considering this blended family has been 15+ years in the making!!
My Mam was a single parent until she met my Dad when I was 5 or 6, and my (full blood) sister was 3 or 4. I call him "Dad" because even though he is not my birth father, he is the man that raised me. Never in a million years would he have let me and my sibling be treated as though we weren't family!
But! I have two more younger siblings. Technically they are half sisters, but I've never, ever considered them as such. When their grandmother and auntie died they had some inheritance but my other sibling and I didn't. I understand why - we were still technically stepchildren to them, despite how wonderful my Dad was bringing us up as his own.

One thing that stuck out was your comment about your husband "laughing hysterically," and thinking that your in-laws are "being precious". No - your in-laws are being absolute fuck nuggets. And your husband should be sticking up for your son!!!

Well if the son is named in the will then the money has to go to him. Not anyone else. They could spend it etc
The executors of the will have the responsibility of sorting this out. Problem is SIL could be the executor.. but you could probably make a legal claim for it.

The three big about step families is that they’re not families.

Perhaps they don't like the idea of a group of 20 yr olds staying in the house as they only know him - not his mates. [even if you say they will look after the place.]

You will do what suits you, same as the in laws will do what suits them. He’s family to them in the same way as OP is family - in law.

According to OP’s last thread they’ve never assumed the role of grandparents/aunts/uncles. OP has always been aware of this. Her oldest and they have a cordial relationship. Neither OP’s husband or youngest son support OP trying to force the issue.

OP blew up at them last year and they again made themselves clear on where they stood. They’ve definitively shut her down this time too They’re not going to provide what she wants, and she needs to stop expecting them to.

I'm sorry, I don't want to derail this thread but this post made me so sad for your DS and you @blossomtoes. That is awful.