My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

[OurNev]

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

I agree with this, Scouts would be presumably be supervised ?

They are being very mean not to let him stay. You are right to be angry.

If it's Reading Week are these new friends from uni? I wouldn't let them stay either tbh.

Thank you for all of your responses..

I regret mentioning my husband’s response. His ‘hysteria’ was as a result of shock not nastiness. He is supportive of me but doesn’t see the point of challenging as he doesn’t think attitudes will change.

That family have always been nice to my son but he is not treated like a grandchild.

I know that at least two of their grandchildren have made use of this house with their friends at a similar age to my eldest son.

No ‘Trust’ is involved with the house . It is owned by four people including MiL.

They apparently are going to sell in about 18th months, take 4 equal shares and three of them will distribute their share among their grandchildren. This won’t be split equally among them but proportionally. So my youngest son will get a third of his MiL’s share but his cousins will share a third with their full siblings.

I categorically do not expect money to come to my son directly, but I believe the decision to bypass a generation was to ensure he wouldn’t benefit indirectly down the line. DH believes this from conversations with his siblings.

Nobody has died so there is no inheritance. Mil will give SiL my younger son’s ’share’ to give to him after university. I totally believe this will happen I don’t for one minute think it won’t come to him.

I have no intention of evening up inheritance for my own sons. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my youngest less than his brother as I love them equally.

Thank you.

People who read my other threads. Son didn’t find out he wasn’t invited. He just accepted he didn’t go because of exams.

Interestingly my parents-in-law didn’t even mention him. We went to another event for them as I wanted him to be visible to in-laws.

People are calling them all sorts of names. They don’t present like that. They are a lovely couple as are the siblings in law. But they clearly have views on family and what family is.

That family have always been nice to my son but he is not treated like a grandchild

He isn’t a grandchild though. My DM is nice to my SDC and gets them gifts, but they are not her grandchildren.

These threads are always the same. Someone marries someone with kids, and down the line they’re upset that the family are nice to the kid, but don’t quite view them in the same was as their grandchildren/nieces, nephews etc. Usually even more upset if the child has no contact with his/her other parent/family, with an expectation somewhere that the in-laws would step up. The family didn’t choose the addition, it’s just how it is. As people always say, if you split, would they see your child again?

They are nice to your son, there appears to have been a lot of drama over the years, why are you surprised he’s not going to inherit? In practice what they’ve done is made sure it doesn’t go to you.

Why do you want him ‘to be visible’ to them? It’s been nearly twenty years and they’ve never considered him to be a grandchild. He isn’t their grandchild! He’s just about an adult man, or indeed an adult man, now, so I’m sure he’s well aware of that fact.

They’re not going to change their minds, and you trying to force it isn’t going to do anything but create further problems and distress for yourself. You need to come to terms with the reality of the situation, because it isn’t going to change to suit you.

and yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve chosen to distribute the inheritance the way they have to prevent you from having any say over it.

I categorically do not expect money to come to my son directly, but I believe the decision to bypass a generation was to ensure he wouldn’t benefit indirectly down the line. DH believes this from conversations with his siblings.

Ok, and so what?

That family have always been nice to my son but he is not treated like a grandchild.

@OurNev Perhaps it’s as simple as them thinking that as he has his own set of paternal grandparents, they don’t feel that they should act like his grandparents?

Rather than trying to push their relationship, it might be better to strengthen his ties with his paternal grandparents instead?

but I believe the decision to bypass a generation was to ensure he wouldn’t benefit indirectly down the line
Mil will give SiL my younger son’s ’share’ to give to him after university. I totally believe this will happen
They are a lovely couple as are the siblings in law. But they clearly have views on family and what family is

I believe you are over thinking this.

Your older DS isn't related by blood to your current DH.
You say the family have treated him well over the years, so they have clearly welcomed him into the family. There isn't an obligation to accept and treat him as a grandchild. He isn't blood or adopted, he has a different paternal family.

Just let it go, your boys are nearly adults, they know that they have different fathers and that they have a different paternal family.

Are you sure it's not that he plans to bring friends no one knows? As in massive teenage party?

I wondered the same, especially with it being Ibiza, but then why make up some nonsense about him "only" being a stepson?
Unless they've caught wind of something DSS hasn't mentioned at home and don't want to stir the pot?

Failing that, yes it sounds a bit mean ...

This.

The money is not hers to split, it belongs to the younger son.

I find this incredibly sad. Mainly because I am a step child who was taken into the fold and treated exactly the same as the rest of the children and grandchildren. As an adult, I look back and am incredibly grateful.
Does your DH treat his stepson as his own? If so, it’s up to him to challenge the behaviour and ensure that this is understood with his family. This is incredibly mean, coming from grown a** adults.

It is very mean not to let him stay there but I don't agree he should have part of the inheritance. He has another family for this, would you split your eldest's family inheritance with your youngest? I'm in a 2nd marriage and when my IL's passed away I didn't expect for 1 second that my children got anything left for them, and they wouldn't expect it either.

So I have siblings with different parents… so I feel I can speak about this.

its mean of them not to allow your son to stay there for that reason. I’d of respected the decision more if it was due to their age.. as I am gathering that he is around 17/18? But as for the inheritance - I wouldn’t expect my eldest son to inherit. Just like I wouldn’t expect to inherit from my siblings parents… my eldest sibling was brought up by one of my parents from 18 months… but they don’t expect anything when my parent I don’t share with them passes… x

Why can't you save it?
Put it in a trust fund.
What if they don't want to go to uni?

So would be worried about SIL holding onto the money for younger son as if she died then that money would go into her estate and not be earmarked for your kid.

the money for the younger son should immediately be put in some kind of trust as if SIL got into financial difficulties it could just disappear. Are the other people just getting their money straight away? Your younger son is blood so should be treated same way.

@lolapops1 @Welshmonster I agree that the current arrangement is problematic. It sounds as if there's a lack of trust towards the parents - i.e. the rest of the family don't think that the parents would actually give all the money to the younger son - they might split it between the two boys instead.
Hence the SIL is hanging onto it until he's 18.

It's a real shame that there's so little mutual trust.

Judging by this thread and some of the advice, they're not wrong are they?

Quite, @LadeOde. it’s a shame.

It’s not an inheritance though, is it? It’s an intended gift that the mother in law wants her daughter to be in control of.

Op isn’t in a position to demand it be handled any differently.

@InterIgnis No, she isn't, and the family clearly doesn't trust the OP/her DH to take charge of the money before the younger son turns 18.

a side point for you re this. Hope your family has had IHT guidance. If anyone classed as an owner (now) passes away within 7 years of the house sale it will be taxable. £3k can be gifted per year free of IHT. Also if your SiL is holding onto money then hopefully she is investing it and not plonking in a savings account? Perhaps suggest using investment JISAs for the grandchildren