My Son not allowed to stay in in-laws’ holiday home

[OurNev]

My mother-in-law is in her late 70s. She owns a house that’s been in her family since the 1930s. It’s owned by her, a couple of cousins and the daughter of a deceased cousin.

They have always been generous with this and we have enjoyed lots of holidays especially when the children were small. DH still has an annual trip with his siblings and cousins.

DH’s second cousin has managed this house and raised money for its upkeep.

All of the grandchildren have stayed there with their friends.

My son wanted to go there during his first reading week, but this has been refused as he is a step-child. DH’s second cousin has been completely open about this and no one is challenging it. The request went through my DH and she gave an excuse but told my SiL the real reason. Only family are invited. But scout groups have been allowed to rent it!

They have known him since he was two and we have been married for fifteen years.

My son is quiet and hardworking and while I have met only one of the two others who he wanted to invite they too are respectful.

They won’t challenge this cousin as she has worked tirelessly to stop this house being a money pit.

So just as I was at my lowest DH and his brother had a conversation and this house will be sold in a couple of years and money distributed proportionately among third generation with my youngest son inheriting a few quid but not my eldest.

I wouldn't expect him to inherit but so mean not to let him stay there. Ffs

feck em. Tell them to take the house, fold it up till its all corners and shove it where the sun don't shine.

IMO those not challenging the second cousin are as bad as her. If your DH stays silent, that will speak volumes about him

It’s crap. Similar step family situation here where the step mother acted like she loved her step children for decades. Kept photo albums of them, knitted them things, showed up for them then ultimately cut them out of her will. It makes you go back and reassess the relationship you thought you had all those years and think… wow I guess she never really liked us after all.

In a way it’s better when people have showed their true colours because at least then you know where you stand.

Yes, my son’s better than me too. He’s let it all flow past as if it never happened. It helps that his other two step siblings see him as their brother with no distinction.

Can your DH or his child just ask to stay in it for the week then just let stepson stay there instead?

Agree with this. Although I think I would call the cousin in charge and get her to tell me outright that my son was being excluded.

It sounds like, after the drama over the golden wedding and you kicking off at them, they’ve now firmly closed ranks against you and your son. You don’t like them, and they don’t like you. It is what it is, and it’s something you would be best served coming to terms with. Stop expecting anything from them when it comes to your eldest.

Instead of accepting their feelings you’ve kept trying to force them (and not just them, but your husband and youngest son as well) to feel the and act the way got want them to, but all it’s done is create ill feeling.

I guess utilities cost money, loss of opportunity to rent it out…cleaning fees… wear and tear. Maybe they don’t particularly trust a group of 20 year olds alone.
regardless it’s your mil’s plus a few cousin’s property, they are free to do with it what they like. Letting you use it for free is also very generous…
its a bit mean of them to refuse on the basis of he’s not related, I would never tell him that . It’s hurtful.

Agree. What does DH actually think about this? Its not that funny if its hurtful to both you and your lovely DS. .

But He should just ask if there is a reason why DS cannot use it.
and say to them that MIL (? or other relative?) was overheard talking about it and said it was because he was a stepson. He should face them with it.
However, it may turn out that the cousin/manager actually said no because it was booked and the other relative was just stirring. If that is the case he should say something about that to them too.

It must feel horrible OP but I hope your DH can find out what it is all about.
Teenagers often get a bad rap, when they can actually be lovely.

I don't know about the inheritance aspect, I guess it just depends on the degree of involvement/interaction perhaps.
I hope it doesn't set a precedent for how your DH's parents will leave things between him and his siblings.

Honestly I only posted on the “only on MN” thread hours ago about mothers expecting their new husbands family to add their kids from previous relationships into the family wills… it’s entitled and grabby.

I suspect the scouts and who ever they rent the house out to are paying customers.

Well you know who to invite to any weddings for your DS as they not see him as family.

nothing you can do about other people. I would ensure any money I give my 2 sons reflects the fact one has “inherited from the sale.” So if giving g money to oldest son for Uni, as youngest will get a few thousands for uni from this house, I would give him exactly that less.

My mum felt like this when I wasn’t invited to my step sisters weddings and I’ve always struggled to understand why. It didn’t bother me in the slightest, and when it was my turn I knew it wouldn’t have occurred to me to invite them either. By the time the oldest got married, we’d barely seen each other in years.

I had a good relationship with them both while we were children and are friendly on the rare occasions we see each other now, but there was an age gap and none of us asked for step parents or step siblings. The parents wanted the blended family, not us.

But her husband is not a new ‘husband. Her son has been a part of the family since he was 2.

It really is.

I understand feeling hurt about him not being able to stay there though. If it's about not wanting him to bring randoms, that's fair enough, but if so I'd have thought saying that would be less explosive than the blood thing.

He is not an 'adopted' kid, he is a child from OP's previous relationship.

Legally adopted kids are treated the same as birth children and quite rightly so.

All depends on OP's definition of 'part of the family' and what that means in practice. They've seen him and said polite hello's over the yrs or is he actively part of their lives i.e the extended family.

Also, what about @op your older ds's family? are they in the picture at all?

I've just read your other two threads about this situation with your in-laws.

You can't shoehorn feelings and ideas and notions into other people. It suits YOU for your DH's family to see your eldest son as part of their family; they evidently don't see things the same way. It sounds, from what you've written across the threads, that they've made efforts to be as inclusive and understanding as possible, and have made adjustments to the way they'd normally do things, whilst maintaining their values. They've told you this in words and by their actions and you've accepted the benefit of them.

At this point, you going on this way by being distraught and hysterical and threatening to confront people etc is likely to do more harm to your eldest boy than good. Obviously, you feel this way because you feel the inequality between your boys, and you want the best for both of them. But that's on YOU. It's not anybody else's duty to change their feelings and outlook - everyone is entitled to hold the views they hold. Bluntly, you chose to have two children by different men. This is your burden to bear for your eldest son's benefit, not your in-laws'. Your DH has also clearly drawn his line in the sand, and (unsurprisingly) it's with his biological son and not his step-son.

It sucks, I can honestly believe that. But for your boy's sake, you need to model the best of the relationship he's going to get from them, not harp on about the worst.

How was the golden anniversary weekend taken by your eldest boy? It was to this same house, was it? Presumably, the fact he's asked to borrow it with his friends suggests he wasn't overly upset about it?

It doesn’t matter how many posters try to themselves in knots to justify the actions of this family, it is a really shitty move to other a child to whom you are the only family they know, having known you since they were just two. I think it’s foul and I would be very sad indeed.

@OurNev what did you mean when you said your husband was laughing hysterically? That sounds odd. Is he on your side?

@Whatthechicken Is it common for stepchildren to inherit anything from their stepparent's side of the family? I genuinely don't know, other than my own experience. I didn't inherit anything from my late SM and I certainly don't expect to get anything from her wider family.

@CandyAppleChristmas The OP hasn't clarified whether her eldest has been adopted, I assumed that her DH is his stepdad and that he also has his bio Dad and paternal family as well.

Not letting him use the house is shitty though.

This! ⬆️

Let’s reverse this. If me and my DH split up and he met a woman with children and added them onto his estate as equal beneficiaries to our child together - I WOULD BE FURIOUS.

Prehaps a token gift would be nice - but to expect the same inheritance from a family your kid is not related to is obscene

And this is why I would never ever place someone else's child on the same level as my own child. You could know them from the day they were born and they could turn around and tell you that you are no relation to them and they would be right ! Sad for your ds but not surprising- blended families are never fair to the children, just the selfish adults involved.

Your SIL is a disgusting example of barefaced, shameless mean-spiritedness.