Bonfire night etiquette.

[herewegogogox]

My mother is no means rich but she does ok... she very kindly invited myself and my sister & our families (totalling 3 adults, 4 children) to hers for bonfire night ... she said there would be fireworks in her freshly renovated garden and pie & peas.. wonderful i thought as she has a habit of expecting me and my sister to provide her with meals when she comes to our house (often) and has never been the sort of mother to look after you at hers... to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.. she's also always been a bit like "if I do this for you.. you do this for me"

Anyway... at home we aren't the sort to go all out on bonfire night we get a few sparklers in for kids but nothing extreme.. so i thought how lovely it will be.

I'm not above contributing.. she is a divorcee on her own, but as she hadn't mentioned anything i assumed nothing was needed..until...

Today at mine (whilst eating the food I made her) she informed myself and my sister that she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy.. wonderful i thought...she then went on to say that myself and my sister would be expected to pay for all the fireworks...

I was blindsided... she never once mentioned this when we were initially invited? Fireworks are not at all cheap especially to entertain children 8 & over...I don't think I would have been angry about it if it wasn't delivered in a more "you don't might contributing?" sort of way.. it was expected & frankly I'm furious.

Do I say anything?? My sister is equally as shocked.

AIBU?

you've walked into it though by saying yes
so you either buy a cheap packet
or suggest you all go to a display then back to hers for pie

Just bring some cheap ones. You both need to get wiser to her. The tears are manipulative too.

Out of interest is “pack up” more a Yorkshire term? I’m north east and never heard that term before until I met my DH, who’s DM is from Yorkshire.
We also don’t do the pie and peas thing for bonfire night in the NE either.

If you're in Yorkshire the mint sauce should also have some finely chopped onion in it, we didn't do that in the proper side of the Pennines! What do the people darn Sarf eat at their bonfire parties if pie'n'peas is such a revolting thought?

It's the norm where I come from.....understanding regional culture and all that 🙄

By the vibe of your post you all sound like hard work. Just buy a few fireworks and enjoy your family evening or ruin it with stinginess and pettiness.

Ahh that old manipulator's party trick.
Let her cry.
She's the one behaving unreasonably time and time again.
She gets away with it because she isn't challenged about it.

To have a semi-decent display of fireworks will cost considerably more than the pies. If she was putting on a spread for many people and asked them at the point of inviting to bring fireworks each and the costs were split evenly, that would be fine.
The problem here is the history and that she's trying to lump the main expense after the point of inviting.

I'd just take your usual sparklers.

And if she cries, so be it. She creates these situations.

How do you order gravy?

Also having loads of fireworks in a garden is really old school and not safe - I didn't even like it in the 70s!!!

Ah ok we had jacket potatoes, Parkin, gingerbread treacle toffee ( I think)

To have a semi-decent display of fireworks will cost considerably more than the pies

Nonsense. Pies for 8 people v a selection box of fireworks & some sparklers from the supermarket? We spent about £20 on fireworks last year which was plenty.

As pp have said go to the local display then back to her house for supper. Is it a money thing? She just can't afford it? Maybe she's embarrassed about that? Or maybe she's just a bit odd...

Start charging her or asking her to bring something towards an event. If she complains, just say that as it works for her you thought you'd try it to stop people from fleecing you.

Don't invite her to yours or go to hers and see her in a park with a cup of coffee you bought yourself before she turns up.

Out of interest, what was her upbringing like? Were her parents similar?

I say ‘packed lunch’ but it was perfectly clear what OP meant when you read the rest of her post! As for those turning their nose up at the food, take a look at yourselves…who do you think you are?

It's still not snobbery to not know what pack up means.

That's how women like her control people.

I think, no actually I know, that I am a vegetarian and those pies sound revolting.

Cry back at her and say she wouldn’t do this if she cared about you.

Christ on a Catherine wheel, what is WRONG with people in Wakefield? 😂

Dahn sarf we mostly disapprove of fireworks dontcha know. Unless it’s Diwali in which case we say oh how lovely it’s Diwali. But when I was a kid, and dogs didn’t need tranqs and cows didn’t eat stray rockets and people ate carbs, we would have jacket potatoes, Heinz tomato soup and hot dogs.

The issue is obviously more about what she does than bonfire night. She should have said at the beginning yes but I don’t think she is being unreasonable asking you to bring something. I would have offered if it was my family, she has sorted the food and is happy for everyone to use her house so bringing along some fireworks even a cheap box is not too much to ask.

Shocked OP, shocked I tell you.

but only at the number of people who have never been to a bonfire as a kid and had pie and mushy peas. Mint sauce up here rather than gravy but even so. What miserable childhoods they’ve had!

ps I don’t eat that pink meat in the middle but I love a good water crust.

We used to have simmered peas and vinegar!!

Isn’t pie and peas standard bonfire night food? I’m northern, and we’ve had loads of massive bonfire parties over the years and pie was always the menu. We also provided Parkin and a huge vat of mulled wine. Friends always brought fireworks (the first couple of times we asked them to).

But this isn’t the issue here. You need to start putting your foot down, whether she cried or not. You had the perfect opportunity when she asked. You could have pointed out that she was there eating your food without being charged for it.. Stop enabling her.

Forgot to add - I think fireworks in gardens is wrong though. Thoughtless and dangerous.

Black peas are a bit like mushy peas when finished. I’ve never liked vinegar on them though.

Perhaps to you, not to OP. Different tastes, different regions, different traditions 🤷🏼‍♀️