Bonfire night etiquette.

[herewegogogox]

My mother is no means rich but she does ok... she very kindly invited myself and my sister & our families (totalling 3 adults, 4 children) to hers for bonfire night ... she said there would be fireworks in her freshly renovated garden and pie & peas.. wonderful i thought as she has a habit of expecting me and my sister to provide her with meals when she comes to our house (often) and has never been the sort of mother to look after you at hers... to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.. she's also always been a bit like "if I do this for you.. you do this for me"

Anyway... at home we aren't the sort to go all out on bonfire night we get a few sparklers in for kids but nothing extreme.. so i thought how lovely it will be.

I'm not above contributing.. she is a divorcee on her own, but as she hadn't mentioned anything i assumed nothing was needed..until...

Today at mine (whilst eating the food I made her) she informed myself and my sister that she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy.. wonderful i thought...she then went on to say that myself and my sister would be expected to pay for all the fireworks...

I was blindsided... she never once mentioned this when we were initially invited? Fireworks are not at all cheap especially to entertain children 8 & over...I don't think I would have been angry about it if it wasn't delivered in a more "you don't might contributing?" sort of way.. it was expected & frankly I'm furious.

Do I say anything?? My sister is equally as shocked.

AIBU?

We did meat and potato pies plus cheese and onion for veggie option.

Im veggie, you could eat bacon or steak around me all day and I wouldn’t miss it, but I do sometimes miss pies and puddings!

Spot on! I was brought up in Birmingham and moved to sarf end init 40yrs ago. ☺️

I’d never heard the term ‘pack up’ until we moved to the East Midlands, and I misunderstood what it was. I thought it was one of those cagoules that fold into a pocket. In fairness the context was a message from my dc’s school about a trip saying ‘don’t forget to bring a pack-up’.

Ugh why are people like this?? I can only assume it’s either a control thing or serious penny pinching. Either way it’s draining being around someone like that, let alone your own mother! I’d just come with a few sparklers and see what she says. Tell her that you couldn’t find any fireworks or some excuse. Either way do not pay for a big display. People like this need to learn that they can’t go on like this.

My mum carries on like this as did her mother before her, but honestly who cares. Unless you're on a very tight income, just buy some fireworks and enjoy slagging her off in the sisters group chat.

Once you make peace with the fact that the oldest woman in the room is the boss, you can dispense with so much wasted emotion. Soon enough it'll be your turn to be enjoy the unchallengable seat.

To me it seems odd that given your mum clearly has form, it wouldn’t have occurred to you that she’d expect a contribution. You should have just discussed it right at the start.

I'm in Cheshire Round these parts pack up/packed lunch is a picnic. Yes, even if you eat it indoors!

What’s wrong with pie, peas and gravy, snobbery at its finest

It's not the dark ages, we can do a cheese and onion pie for you

This….👍👍. Pies and peas? 😳😳. That's for football matches. lol ⚽️

I'm not sure why anyone thinks you'd spend £109s on fireworks when you can get a box for £20 so £10 each from OP and her sister. It will probably cost more than that to go to a public display
She obviously should have asked at the time of the invite but are you really surprised as you know what she's like?
Anyway you don't have to go or just go for food.

My mum was Scottish think she simmered them in vinegar- marrowfat peas - they were lush, might have to look it up!!

So looked it up, Scottish recipe is marrowfat peas boiled with vinegar ( better than it sounds) and I was brought up in Lancashire so did have black peas and vinegar at other people's houses too.

Being a cat owner I wouldn't be contributing to towards anything that terrifies innocent animals into thinking that the world is ending. Slightly off topic I know but I hate private fireworks now for this reason

Crikey, the snobbery on this thread is unbelievable!
Some people seem to know nothing outside their own little bubble.

Pie and peas with gravy and mint sauce, or no gravy and just mint sauce is pretty universal in West Yorkshire and South Yorkshire.

Some posters seem to be unaware that there are different regional foods in different parts of the country.

Maybe, as a southerner who is married to a Geordie and now lives in Yorkshire I have been immersed in more than one UK "culture" and tend not to have such a narrow minded view of local specialities.

Hendos anyone?

I'm northern and never heard the term pack up we'd use bait box.

I'm Lancashire and Scottish and not heard it. Not sure we said it a lot in childhood rather than picnic / I'm old - but fit my children was packed lunch

I wouldn't take my kids to someones house to watch bombs being detonated by non-professionals regardless of who pays.

Just blow it off and go to a safe regulated display hosted by highly trained professionals. You can invite her along then go back to hers for pie afterwards but regardless of who pays when someone gets badly injured it won't matter.

Really its insanity that literally explosives are available for just any Tom, Dick and Harry to buy and set off in residential areas.

I don’t want to speak for all of the south but we tend to have jacket potatoes with some form of topping like chilli con carne on top, on bonfire night

Never had pie and peas at a bonfire.
Didn't have a 'miserable childhood'.
You are aware that different foods are popular in different locations, right?

Oh same here.

The excitement would start days before as Dad started to build the bonfire and we made a guy. The fire was usually in our garden as we had lots of space, but our neighbours and friends would come round and we pooled the fireworks. The mums sorted the food out between them.

Only the dads set off the fireworks. No accidents ever happened!

Yes we had a pet. A cat. She stayed in the house and didn't seem at all bothered.

I've made Yorkshire parkin a couple of weeks ago, it improves the longer it's kept in a tin and gets stickier. No-one's mentioned red cabbage so far, one of the essentials too, especially with corned beef hash that I used to do. I do hope that the peas are properly mushed too, not just mashed on the back of a fork.

she cries and makes us feel guilty

Stop feeling guilty then! You know they are crocodile tears and she is manipulating you.

I was certainly a bit bemused by the pie and peas tradition when I moved from the South to the North but I didn’t fucking balk at it and call it revolting like some of the snobs on here. Christ.

and the thing is, it'll only get worse over the years.

You need to speak to her @herewegogogox preferably with your sister and say, it's easier for everyone if you know where you stand from the start, whether that's on cost grounds, or about catering.

You don't need to feel guilty if you spell it out that inviting you to Christmas lunch but not providing lunch, or to a firework party without fireworks, is not an invite. If she cries you tell her that it's not a crying matter, what is untrue about what you've said.

From now on you and your sister take charge of arrangements eg OK well, best if you meet us at time and place and we'll all go to the display at X, then back to yours, you get the pies in and we'll bring the kids some sparklers.

If she kicks back, you both reinforce that this is what works for you.