Bonfire night etiquette.

[herewegogogox]

My mother is no means rich but she does ok... she very kindly invited myself and my sister & our families (totalling 3 adults, 4 children) to hers for bonfire night ... she said there would be fireworks in her freshly renovated garden and pie & peas.. wonderful i thought as she has a habit of expecting me and my sister to provide her with meals when she comes to our house (often) and has never been the sort of mother to look after you at hers... to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.. she's also always been a bit like "if I do this for you.. you do this for me"

Anyway... at home we aren't the sort to go all out on bonfire night we get a few sparklers in for kids but nothing extreme.. so i thought how lovely it will be.

I'm not above contributing.. she is a divorcee on her own, but as she hadn't mentioned anything i assumed nothing was needed..until...

Today at mine (whilst eating the food I made her) she informed myself and my sister that she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy.. wonderful i thought...she then went on to say that myself and my sister would be expected to pay for all the fireworks...

I was blindsided... she never once mentioned this when we were initially invited? Fireworks are not at all cheap especially to entertain children 8 & over...I don't think I would have been angry about it if it wasn't delivered in a more "you don't might contributing?" sort of way.. it was expected & frankly I'm furious.

Do I say anything?? My sister is equally as shocked.

AIBU?

Live in York, love pie, and our children often have a pack up. But lived for a while in South Yorkshire, and often there people called packed lunch 'bait' which was a new one on me.

More generally, Some of these comments remind me of this Victoria Wood classic...

7

OP, I personally think it's normal to bring a contribution to a party or gathering at someone's house. But agree it should be a mutually agreed thing. However, your Mum crying and carrying on isn't normal, I don't think.

I really don’t see the issue for a family bonfire night.

Northern myself and the etiquette is that if anyone hosts bonfire night those attending bring a box of fireworks each.

Aldi sells a good selection at affordable prices

If I'm honest you and your sister are enabling this crap. Repeatedly. Stop allowing the tears and guilt trips to affect you. Grey rock. You'll get much better at it I can assure you.

In this instance. I would message her on a group chat to simply say that "Mum, Mary and I were very taken aback yesterday to find that you expected us to fund the fireworks when you had invited us and not asked this of us at the time. It's a bit like asking us to supply a bouncy castle to a bouncy castle party ! If they are significantly more expensive than you anticipated then I suggest we go to Park X and view the public display. For all of us it's broadly the same cost but we'll get 20 mins of fireworks rather than 2mins for £100. We can do some sparkers in the garden before we go and it will also keep down the mess in your new garden.

Going forward, I'd appreciate it if you could be more explicit in your expectations. Finances are tight and it's put me, and probably Mary in a difficult position as the kids are very excited and we don't want to let them down.

You might want to add [I think it would also be sensible if we talked about Christmas soon.]

This is literally a standard bonfire night tea is it not? We do it every year 🤯

This thread's hilarious. I adore (not being sarcastic, truly bless you because you are too pure for this world) the person who assumed it must mean lovingly simmered carlin peas. I mean, my great gran used to make those. In the 1940s. No mate it's normal mushy peas from the chippy and a tin of Ben Shaws

Oh did OP's mum order from the Chippie?? Oh I see <tired> 🤣

Not quite…

She cries to prompt you to feel guilt.

As you can, take a step back to consider:

Why is your mother taken to tears? Hurt? Frustration? Not getting her own way?
These are her feelings, not yours, so if your mother is so moved then so her tears fall.

BUT how is this down to you?
Unless you have directly & purposefully hurt her?

Then as she cries, it is not for you to feel guilt.

As she cries, ask her why she is so upset.
If it is because you cannot or will not do what she wants, then that is the beginning of an adult ‘please do this’ conversation. We can ask of adults & they are free to say no, nope, nada.

You cannot change your mother’s M.O., but you can change how you respond.

#GetTheeGuiltFree

Sounds exactly like my mum, she hosted Christmas last year but we all had to contribute a course, despite her coming to my house many times without bringing a thing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

PMSL, you are aware of satire right? Did you really think I was genuinely suggesting childhoods different from my own were miserable?

Mate, you must get your MN knickers in a twist an awful lot.

No…she ordered from the butcher.

Good back track.

Oh you get gravy from the butcher???

“This is literally a standard bonfire night tea is it not? We do it every year 🤯"

Not a tradition I've ever heard of in my neck of the woods. So... no, it is literally not.

But it is in many places, so it is sensible/polite when seeing someone talking about something you're unfamiliar with to respond with positive curiosity, rather than derailing the thread by rudely suggesting that the food is disgusting and no-one eats that combination anyway.

It's something that comes up often on MN and it's ironic that, while the average Mumsnetter probably considers herself worldly and sophisticated, she knows very little about the culture and customs of her own nation.

We used to do a big annual family bonfire party where we had a standard menu of pork pie and peas and chilli and baked potatoes, which hardly got touched because it was all about the pie and peas.

The pork pies came from a local butcher that was a bit nice/special so a bit of a treat and not every day affordable to most of our family, so something they looked forward to. After a few years I started asking if they'd like me to change the menu for variety and it was made abundantly clear that there would be a riot if they did not get their pie and peas!

Yes, they have lots of spare bones so it makes sense that they use them to make gravy with.

Lol, we had something similar a few years back, a family invited us and the whole class round to theirs for bonfire night (city folk but they've bought a farm). Then we got sent their bank details so that we could transfer £70 towards the cost of fireworks. Closely followed by another request to bring "a large green salad and coleslaw" for the pot luck supper.
The event got cancelled when their farm manager pointed out that fireworks and farm animals don't go well together.

You're mother sounds really grabby. Have you ever had a serious conversation with her about how transactional she is and how that makes you feel? Families are about love, not business.

In Northern parts, a steaming cup of parched peas are still a thing on bonfire night. Thank God for Booths!! It's one of the few places to still sell them.
Pie, peas and gravy on a cold night is bliss .

I think parched peas (Googling says this is black peas and vinegar) is a Lancashire thing only.

In Yorkshire it is mushy peas with optional mint sauce with a pork pie (served hot).

This sounds delicious (not Northern, but now very hungry).

No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them.

You and your sister need to stand up for yourselves.

I would say fireworks are expensive, we are happy to provide sparklers and bring dessert (toffee/chocolate apples)

https://www.lidl.co.uk/p/standard-fireworks-the-energiser/p10018578

Unlikely to exceed the cost of pies for you and your kids

Personally, living in Spain. We have firework fiestas regularly.. maybe once a week, it’s their (our) culture. But I’ve spent time seasoning my 3 dogs to the fireworks. Now they are fine.

Tell her that you are coming then cancel half an hour before!