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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bonfire night etiquette.

155 replies

herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:03

My mother is no means rich but she does ok... she very kindly invited myself and my sister & our families (totalling 3 adults, 4 children) to hers for bonfire night ... she said there would be fireworks in her freshly renovated garden and pie & peas.. wonderful i thought as she has a habit of expecting me and my sister to provide her with meals when she comes to our house (often) and has never been the sort of mother to look after you at hers... to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.. she's also always been a bit like "if I do this for you.. you do this for me"

Anyway... at home we aren't the sort to go all out on bonfire night we get a few sparklers in for kids but nothing extreme.. so i thought how lovely it will be.

I'm not above contributing.. she is a divorcee on her own, but as she hadn't mentioned anything i assumed nothing was needed..until...

Today at mine (whilst eating the food I made her) she informed myself and my sister that she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy.. wonderful i thought...she then went on to say that myself and my sister would be expected to pay for all the fireworks...

I was blindsided... she never once mentioned this when we were initially invited? Fireworks are not at all cheap especially to entertain children 8 & over...I don't think I would have been angry about it if it wasn't delivered in a more "you don't might contributing?" sort of way.. it was expected & frankly I'm furious.

Do I say anything?? My sister is equally as shocked.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2024 21:55

Ifailed · 13/10/2024 21:07

she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy

Anyone who offered that for food for an evening event doesn't deserve your attendance, let alone any pyrotechnics.

This. Sounds revolting. Although I presume, as you've used 'pack up' instead of packed lunch, that you are in the north. My husband's family are northern and every event is some combination of peas,pies and gravy.

Serene135 · 13/10/2024 23:48

That really is outrageous. She offers to host the event and then expects you and your sister to pay for it?! You will end up spending hundreds (they are not cheap). Also, who will be expected to take the risk by lighting them etc? You? Just say no and get some sparklers for you to enjoy with the kids. Cheaper and the kids will still have a lovely time.

JC03745 · 14/10/2024 00:04

AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2024 21:55

This. Sounds revolting. Although I presume, as you've used 'pack up' instead of packed lunch, that you are in the north. My husband's family are northern and every event is some combination of peas,pies and gravy.

Show quote history

to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.

I assumed this was a typo for back up? If not, what is a pack up???

ExtraOnions · 14/10/2024 00:06

My local firework shop, you can get a selection box of 14 Standard fireworks for £24 .. this notion of having to spend “hundreds” is nonesense

I’ve already ordered our pie & pies from our local pie shop, which will be dropped off on the day.

For our family .. one person buys the food .. one the fireworks.. the other the mulled wine. Fair distribution of costs.

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2024 00:30

I really don't think it's unusual to take a few fireworks each to share. You can buy some pretty cheaply from aldi or tesco. Surely in a garden its just a few to ooh and aah at and that's it, not a full on display. I would expect to take some along.

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2024 00:31

Also you can buy a box which contains a little display with just one taper to light, think it's called a cake.

Original poster
herewegogogox · 14/10/2024 08:56

Just to be clear I am not disputing sharing the cost.. however, I think that the sharing of the costs should have been made apparent before accepting the invitation.. not only that there is a huge discrepancy between the cost of pie and peas and fireworks (even the cheaper variety)

Yes I am in the north 🤣 we love pie and peas for bonfire night.

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 14/10/2024 09:03

@JC03745 a pack up is a packed lunch

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:06

You know what she’s like.

It will be fun for the kids

Buy a cheap ‘selection box’ each from Lidl and some sparklers

Just relax and have fun.

Lots of public displays are expensive anyway, or the food stalls are v expensive and not as nice as pie and peas.

The issues here are your overall feelings about your Mum. And yes, her behaviour is eye roll worthy.

But Don’t let it become so transactional on both sides (we’re not coming if we have to buy fireworks, nerrr) that it spoils an evening for the kids.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 14/10/2024 09:10

Is it possible that this is just a misunderstanding? You say she invited you 'for fireworks night' not 'for fireworks', maybe her idea all along was that you would bring whatever fireworks you normally had round to hers so everyone could enjoy them together? If so I think she could have been clearer about it, but I don't think she's done anything particularly wrong.

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:11

Lidl selection boxes at £9.99 or £14.99 (you and your sister could buy one between you…) or even £4.99 for 4 shooting banging things.

Rarebitten · 14/10/2024 09:16

herewegogogox · 13/10/2024 21:43

@LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome she cries and makes us feel guilty

Feeling guilty is your choice, though.

Either just bring a couple of packets of sparklers, or suggest going to a local display and then back to hers to eat.

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:16

When I was a kid I enjoyed our back garden fireworks so much more than public displays. The warm kitchen, clutching a hot dog, sparklers, the adults lighting fireworks and running back.

Much more fun than huge crowds, standing for ages, waiting etc.

MumonabikeE5 · 14/10/2024 09:17

why don’t you say you’d prefer to go to a planned and safe public display.

it’s safer.

not only will you be responsible for paying for the fireworks you will also need to be really for setting them up, lighting them and disposing do them.

Maybe it would be possible to have a fire pit with marshmallow s’mores at your mums, with sparklers.

Sunnyperiods · 14/10/2024 09:25

i presume it’s black peas. Traditional bonfire night fare (in the north at least) along with treacle toffee and potatoes baked in the bonfire. (Not sure about the pies and grave mind you).

DeliciousApples · 14/10/2024 09:28

She's a piece of work.

I'd defo be learning from this and asking prior at any future invites who is paying for what!! In writing by text preferably so if she pulls a fast one you can refer to the text. Ignore her tears and snotters. It's manipulative and childish.

If it suits you to get fireworks for the kids and have it at hers go ahead. Job done.

If not work out what you'd prefer to do and tell her, eg local display tenner each mum we are going do you want to? I'd pay for her if she's paid for my pie and peas BUT I'd make sure she had paid for those first before extending that offer. Hell I'd even phone the butcher to be sure....

Don't commit or shell out any money in future before you know what the true position is.

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:40

In our family if there was a family gathering like this, the first question we would ask when invited would be “what shall we bring?” (Drinks? Fireworks?), and at any bonfire night gathering would expect to bring sparklers, a firework etc.

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:43

DeliciousApples · 14/10/2024 09:28

She's a piece of work.

I'd defo be learning from this and asking prior at any future invites who is paying for what!! In writing by text preferably so if she pulls a fast one you can refer to the text. Ignore her tears and snotters. It's manipulative and childish.

If it suits you to get fireworks for the kids and have it at hers go ahead. Job done.

If not work out what you'd prefer to do and tell her, eg local display tenner each mum we are going do you want to? I'd pay for her if she's paid for my pie and peas BUT I'd make sure she had paid for those first before extending that offer. Hell I'd even phone the butcher to be sure....

Don't commit or shell out any money in future before you know what the true position is.

Actually, ask for a signed contract before accepting any invitation, and ask her to sign one before she comes to your house?

Can’t be too careful with family.

Newdaynewstarts · 14/10/2024 10:48

She wants the glory and adrenaline rush of people marvelling over her generosity…. Except it’s your generosity as well.

ObliviousCoalmine · 14/10/2024 12:35

Nothing worse than an amateur bonfire display. Expensive, normally unsafe and usually pretty shit.

Go to a proper one and stop engaging in your mother's batshittery.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2024 12:38

Ifailed · 13/10/2024 21:07

she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy

Anyone who offered that for food for an evening event doesn't deserve your attendance, let alone any pyrotechnics.

What's wrong with the food?

ilovesooty · 14/10/2024 12:41

JC03745 · 14/10/2024 00:04

to the point where if you visit bring a pack up as you are getting nothing.

I assumed this was a typo for back up? If not, what is a pack up???

Show quote history

Goodness. The snobbery.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 14/10/2024 12:42

Ifailed · 13/10/2024 21:07

she had ordered the pies, peas and gravy

Anyone who offered that for food for an evening event doesn't deserve your attendance, let alone any pyrotechnics.

You're clearly not northern!
This is standard party food round my neck of the woods!

Rarebitten · 14/10/2024 12:49

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 14/10/2024 12:42

You're clearly not northern!
This is standard party food round my neck of the woods!

Show quote history

I had to look up ‘black peas’ (not British) — I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of the type of peas used, though? Carlin or Black Badger or maple peas? How vinegary is the finished dish?

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 14/10/2024 12:58

I had to look up ‘black peas’ (not British) — I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of the type of peas used, though? Carlin or Black Badger or maple peas? How vinegary is the finished dish?

I'm not sure what peas are used as I've never made them...only bought them at local bonfires. You tend to put your own vinegar on too so the quantity is up to you! I like lots!