MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

Sorry, i voted yabu by mistake!
You are not.
He should have discussed this with you, particularly as you are trying to start your own family tradition.
I would just take my baby to my parents for the day and let him cook for and entertain his mother.

It’s a shame he didn’t discuss it with you first. But it sounds like he’s trying to do a thoughtful thing for his mum who’s life has been changed so unexpectedly.

Your baby won’t remember a thing about this Christmas anyway. So I’d make the most of the day with his mum as well and make her feel welcome.

Family are always welcome to come for Christmas as our house, that goes for both sides. I can’t imagine excluding a parent that has recently gone through a traumatic separation. Pretty shocking to me.

Tell him it's great he is hosting his dm this year and what is he cooking? Because you will be sat enjoying your dc's first Christmas...

He should have asked you, but if either of us were to ask the question the answer would be "of course" so it wouldn't be a big deal to just go ahead and ask if the topic came up.

The poor woman must be devastated so she does need to come first this year in my book, just as she would if she'd been bereaved.

A first Christmas isn't reason enough to duck out of this duty IMO. Just don't get into any routines that become set in stone down the line.

Take your baby to your mum’s… sounds like nobody’s communicating. You might as well just do what you want to do.

Invite your parents over too.

This. He can do the cooking and entertaining while you spend time enjoying your baby.

Your options are try and force him to disinvite his mother or invite your parents.

He cannot complain because it’s fair so very very fair that all grandparents are invited for babies first Christmas lunch.

Invite your parents over too. I'd remind him since he changed the plans first that he'll be cooking this year too.

He should have discussed it with you first. But it was kind of him to think of his mum who will be feeling terrible.
Your baby won't remember anything.

He wanted us to have lunch at our own house

So he wants you to not see your family like you usually do, but instead he’s invited his mum over for the day?! I’d be really cross he did this without asking!

Who does he imagine will be shopping for and cooking the Xmas dinner as well?!

Will his brother be coming as well if he’s on his own?

When DC come along Christmas traditions can change. If in-laws hadn’t separated would you still have been seeing them in the evening with the baby, and going forwards would it always be that your parents took priority.

Yes he should have asked you, but what were you thinking was going to happen with MIL on Christmas Day?

Tricky one. I do think it's a nice thing to do for MIL after what must have been a horrible shock.

But also as he had previously vetoed seeing your parents I do think this is a bit unfair. Maybe they could come over too?

You seem to have given him too much say in the past about opting out of Christmas and now deciding you'll stay at home. You have a say too.

I wouldn't really factor in new baby as they are pretty portable at that stage and won't remember it anyway!

There are other circumstances in other people's lives.
I cannot imagine dumping my raging narcissist of a mother onto my husband at Christmas.
Thankfully, she lives in another country 😊

OP, take this very seriously.
He made his song and dance about doing something new, that stops you seeing yoir family, AND has now without any conversation asked his mother to come to yours.
If you think this is normal healthy behaviour you are wrong.
It is controlling, manipulative and extremely disrespectful.

In your case I would tell him you will revert to the old way and be visiting your parents and he can host his mum.
Or do you have any say in your life?
Does he now think because you have a child he can treat you with zero consideration.
This is your life and marriage if you tolerate this.
So think long and hard before you decide your reaction.
i hope you are returning to work and keep your family and friends close.

I think it's lovely that he's thinking about his mother who God love her is having her first Christmas without her husband who'll most likely be spending it with his new woman. Why can't you all celebrate together, why can't she be involved in baby's first Christmas ? It's one extra mouth to feed, yes he should have ran it by you but in fairness it's October when you've found out, plenty of time to organise her visit. Maybe he thought you'd be fine with it and not need permission.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I have never hosted Christmas, I’m not equipped with any space so I’m not having everyone over here. My Partner’s Brother and Sister never step up for anything - we live the furthest away and (even when parents were together) my partner was taking my MIL out shopping, to Doctors appointments, he went over pretty much everyday.

I have a tainted relationship with my in-laws anyway so I know my feelings come from there. However, regardless of “baby not remembering anything” and “putting my MIL first” - the issue I have is that my partner is expecting me to host, after giving me loads of grief about starting our own tradition. I also know based off of my MIL’s behaviour that this will be a routine. I understand the situation is awful but she has a huge family that should step up, no? We always step up and even support her financially at times as she doesn’t work. I know it’s selfish but I really can’t wrap my head around it as I can just see the whole day becoming a mess.

I'd have invited his mother off my own bat to be honest. You know, because it's Christmas, and she's lost her life partner to another woman. She's family and she's hurting.

the issue I have is that my partner is expecting me to host

Do you mean he’s invited guests for Xmas dinner and won’t be cooking himself?

I would actually be so cross in that itself!

Can you go to your mum with the baby?

Aah thanks for the further info. She ought to be going to her Dr's appointments independently and should also manage to shop independently. Unless of course she's disabled.

I get the whole “she’s hurting” etc. It’s an awful thing, I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling. They were separated prior to this “affair” happening but they were still living together etc.

My MIL has always presented herself in our lives. She’s upset when she only sees the baby once a week (my parents both work so the only opportunity to see them is at weekend but we haven’t been able to arrange anything due to dealing with this). She tells me how to feed my child, how to parent them etc.

For clarity, she’s not disabled. She hasn’t worked in 10 years. Can’t use the internet (chooses not to learn) and doesn’t order her own prescriptions, book her own doctors appointments, attend them herself, pay for anything and just hopes that someone will pay for stuff like shopping, tobacco etc. She sleeps in until 2pm every day, she doesn’t do any housework etc - you can maybe understand why my relationship is so difficult with her, especially because my partner just does everything for her.

how do I even approach this conversation? I don’t want to be inconsiderate but I’m peed off that he gave me so much grief for not being sure about not seeing my parents for lunch (as I have done for years)

Also, in case it helps, I am only 24. So all these new life experiences I see as really important to me. Especially anything to do with my baby, who I tried so hard to have.

Ask him what he'll be cooking for Xmas Dinner.

Because you won't be.

As a widow, I am so glad my family always make sure I spend special events with them - it makes me sad to see so many people dismissing the needs of older people (particularly, it would appear, MILs). I say well done to the son looking out for his mum.

How old is she?

How much parenting does he do?