MIL for Xmas

[NavigatingAdulthood]

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split.

This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home.

Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family.

For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

So effectively dh has 2 x dw's?

But he doesn’t really care about offending you? You don’t have to fall out with him but you also need to explain clearly to him that this is not how he gets to treat you. I mean you would probably have been fine about inviting his mum, but he just needs to talk to you first. And DO NOT fall in to the trap to do everything at Christmas. Assume that you will share it all and act surprised if he questions it.

My dd is the same age as you. I would say the same to her.

Your DH and MIL sound really enmeshed and dysfunctional. This goes way beyond Christmas day OP. Unless she has disabilities it sounds like MIL likes to pretend to be helpless to avoid living as an adult.

Is this sort of dynamic normal for your culture? Most people here will answer from a white British perspective and I don't know how useful our advice would be for you situation.

We are White British, yes. She’s just always had someone to do that stuff for her so she’s chosen continuously to not learn to do anything herself.

Any chance you can all go to your parents? The plan for the quiet Christmas just the 3 of you has gone out the window now so he can hardly object

I’m older than your MIL, she’s a young woman. Stop doing everything for her.

@PleaseAskSomeoneWhoGivesAFuck FYI you can change your vote by just clicking the other option, its easy to rectify

my partner told me yesterday he was planning to invite his dad (We had the same convo) but then his Mum mentioned it when she came over and he forgot he invited her first.

That could have been awkward...

I'm not a LTB poster usually but if this is your DH's normal and he is oblivious to how messed up his relationship with his DM is you've got to consider your future with him. This is going to affect everything unless, sorry to be blunt, MIL dies.

At the very least keep being selfish and doing what suits you.

You to learn to be comfortable with upsetting your DP tbh.

You are worried about being ungrateful and unkind. Do you think he worries half as much as you about being ungrateful and unkind towards you?
Like has he ever said
’Gosh, @NavigatingAdulthood has had a hell of a lot on her plate recently. Being a first time mum, doing everything in her own so I can continue with my work/hobbies as I want is a lot. And I know I haven’t been present in the last few months and probably grump, what with my dad’s affair etc… I know Christmas means a lot for her. And I dint want to be unkind towards her seeing the last few months. So I will ….’

No?
Thats because he is taking you for granted and thinks that whatever he does will go (see also he is working 365 days a year so doesn’t spend Christmas morning at home. I mean this year is fine. But next year and the one after? Will you be happy for him to just bugger off when your child will be all excited about Santa and his presents? But somehow youve accepted that too).

I agree with PP.
You need to do something now. You need to accept there will be an argument. Otherwise you’ll end up living a life on his terms, missing out of important things for you. And it will just end up in a divorce a few years down the line.

Oh, thank you!

Firstly, is he your partner or your husband? Next, do you both own the house that you're living in or does it belong to one of you and not the other?
Both would be factors in my suggestion but I think above all of this, you need to have a discussion about what your relationship is and how one person in it doesn't get to make blanket decisions for both or for all of your family.

I've read all of your posts and this really isn't about Christmas Day at all to be honest. It's about how your partner makes blanket decisions for you or that affect you and it's all about dancing to the tune that his mother is playing.

He needs to get his siblings more involved in looking out for both of their parents. They need to step up and organise doctor's appointments/prescriptions/be more involved in her life so that you (both you and your partner) can be more involved in the life of your child.

Make a decision that NO MORE MONEY is to go to his mother without it being a joint decision. That's money for your child that he is siphoning off to his mother. Not going to happen any more.

He needs to stop running around after his able bodied (and by the sounds of it not elderly) mother who really should learn to be self sufficient so that she is less reliant on others to do things that 1000's of other women without assistance do on a daily basis.

Then you need to:

1. You (collectively) need to decide now what way Christmas Day is going to work for your (you, your partner, your child) for the time being. If that does involve including his mother for Christmas Lunch, then that's fine but she gets to go home afterwards.
2. Suggest to your partner that as he has a brother who is married and they have a large family perhaps for this Christmas, Brother could have Mother for Christmas day and you'll revisit this the following year and take turns on where Mother spends Christmas day.
3. You (collectively) set up whatever you need to, to be able to make decisions like this much easier for each other going forwards. Something like "Oh, I'll have to check with X to see what our plans are and then I'll get back to you" might be enough but if you don't do it now, when things crop up in the future you'll find yourselves in a lot of uncomfortable situations where you'll have to either spread yourselves too thinly or you might end up missing out on things you really want to do/take part in etc.
4. If one of you owns the house and the other is not on the mortgage/deeds, then they do have a slightly larger say in what happens under their roof, so going forwards you would want to balance that out more.
5. If he is a partner and not a husband, then you equally can make a decision to go to your mother's house and let them fend for themselves, I'd recommend taking your child to your mother's house and then return to your place later on on Christmas Day. (This may be an unpopular suggestion but you're not tied to having to spend Christmas Day with him, nor he with you, and I'd think that you might only need to do something this drastic once for the message to sink in).
6. Lastly - you actually don't have to do any visiting on Christmas Day at all - this might be a new thing to you but you can visit people throughout the Christmas time and not just on the one day.

Lots to mull over and I do hope you manage to come to some sort of agreement with your other half on this.

You have an enormous DP problem. Why is he working 365 days a year? Why doesn't he help with DC and the house? Why are you grateful to him for supporting his family whilst you're on mat leave - DC is equally his? Why are his and his mum's needs important and not yours?

why does he work 365 days/ year? THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

If he's chosen to have a child with you, he reallly should be working out how both of you can share the parenting. It sounds like he does nothing at all, and wouldn't even know how to deal with things (if you suddenly found yourself ill, for example) due to his self-inflincted lack of experience.

I don't see what he contributes to your life or self-esteem. If all he does is supply money, then you'd be better off single (with him paying chiild maintenance from his high earnings). I know you call her your 'MIL' but are you actually married to this cocklodger?

Based on what you've written here, I have close to zero sympathy for his mother. She sounds like an extremely selfish, needy individual, and to be frank, I can understand why her husband left her. If they'd already 'separated', he's done nothing wrong in starting a new relationship with someone else. It isn't an 'affair'.

Can you not just have MiL over for dinner then either leave her at yours with the tele while you visit your folks, or take her with you? I honestly think Christmas as your 'own little family' when you havd a baby that age is better in theory than reality. It's basically trying to combine cooking a dinner with your usual childcare tasks. At least MiL is another pair of hands.

I'd put a stop to her learned helplessness. It turns into a weapon that she can use to great effect (by her) in years to come.

If you can, find out courses that she could attend locally to her that show her how to use the internet for things - shopping, banking, making doctor's appointments, booking hair appointments, that kind of thing and perhaps sign her up for one of them!

Tell her by doing this, by the time your child is of an age where they will be using technology, Grandma (whatever name she wants to be called) will be a dab hand at it and will be able to teach your child about it rather than the other way around and it will be too late by then! Flatter her ego. Sell it to her and she might just surprise you.

You are being unreasonable… 100%

He doesn’t want his mom alone at Christmas and you are trying to find every excuse under the sun to justify your opinion!

He should of asked but he didn’t- so say you could of asked but that is fine

OP I’m sorry to say from what you say it sounds like the relationship your DP has with his mum is fully co-dependant and there is no room left in his life for an adult relationship with you.

I’d consider saying baby and I are going to my parents for Christmas lunch since apparently you were just lying when you said we had to do our own thing this year. We will be heading off at about 11, I may not even get Christmas off next year so I’m quite relieved.

Why do you assume there will be a fall out if you ask him to respect your feelings and what you want to do?

I agree this is a dh problem.

I'm mid 50s and would be so embarrassed if my adult dcs had to do everything for me. She needs to grow up it's shocking.

I'd definitely do this. Although probably wouldn't go back!

Oh dear...

Have you read ALL the OP's posts?

Who will be doing parenting/household chores when you go back to work?

She is in her early 50s, you could have this for the next 40 years. My DM is in her 90s and widowed 8 years ago. It is only in the last year that we have had to really step up with helping her, she has been reasonably independent before then with just some help from us.

You need a serious chat with DH to sort out what all your futures and workload look like